Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Archive for the month “October, 2012”

Mars and Venus, or is it Uranus and Venus??

So I get it, men and women have two different styles of communicating.   Women communicate and men don’t.   Okay, so that wasn’t exactly fair.  Let’s say men communicate long enough to get a woman hooked and then they’re done, and the woman is left wondering what happened to stop it.

Guys, be sure and chime in here if you think I’m wrong about this.  This is something which is quite perplexing to me and I am always up for learning more about the male mind and what makes it tick.  Let me just throw a scenario at you—new guy, been talking almost two weeks, finally met last Friday night.  We have touched on numerous subjects, and he has shared many, very personal things with me.  This surprised me at first because he was so open, but I can roll with it.  I tend to have that effect on people, and I figure the more comfortable he feels sharing things with me, the better off we are if this is headed towards “relationship” status.

Anyway, lots of personal information, seems very honest, etc, we meet last Friday night and the chemistry was all there in person too, and we even touched on being open to exploring a relationship.  I talked to him Saturday morning before he went to work, we texted a bit on Saturday night, I sent him a text on Sunday, to which I received no reply, and called him and left a message.  Basically, I haven’t heard from him since Saturday night.  I’m thinking WTF??  Is this normal?  We totally click, and agree on this fact, even in person all the chemistry is there.  (For those of you who internet date, you know that sometimes you can click over messages and texts, but have no chemistry in person.)

I am at a loss. I am now refusing to text him, or call him.   Yeah, I’m really tough like that.  Oh, hell!  Who am I kidding??  This guy seems so great that when he does get ahold of me, I will probably act like it’s no big deal that he hasn’t talked to me for days.  Which to him, maybe it isn’t a big deal.  Maybe he doesn’t think anything of it.  He does have an extremely demanding job, which he is on call for and usually only gets about 12 hours between shifts.  Friday he managed to not get called in, so he hopped in his truck and drove the hour and fifteen minutes to come meet me in person.  I am in no way making excuses, I just know how guys can be extremely one-track minded.

I do think this guy likes me and is interested in me, so why am I getting so freaked out by the lack of communication?  At my age I don’t really want someone up in my shit all the time, and I am sure he feels the same.  Plus, we aren’t officially dating at this point, so should I expect him to have daily contact??  Maybe I only expect the daily contact because I got that the first week.  Seriously, if I’m dating someone, then yes, I do expect to have daily contact with them.  But for now I think this thing is supposed to be casual, though I think if we were about 15 years younger, we would be so up this shit it would be unbelievable!!

I am going to attempt to play it cool.  He is aware I am quite interested in him, and I believe the feeling is mutual.  At this point what more can I do?  I have to stand back, let go of my control issues, and let him take the lead.  He is the man after all.  And what a huge, smokin’ hot, hunk of a man he is!! 😉

Like I said—please comment and let you know what you think!!  I would love to hear everyone’s opinions!

 

 

 

 

Strings and Things – A Bit of Rambling

What happened between then and now to make me this way? I was just thinking that I don’t remember ever worrying about whether my ex-husband, before he was my husband, would show up for something, or whether he would call. I am sure I got excited thinking about him calling, and even wished for him to call, but I don’t think I was anxious about it.

Something happened between then and now.  I would like to think if I figure out what happened, that I could change it, but I don’t know if I can.  My trust in men has been demolished.  I wonder if there’s a man in this world who is worthy of my trust.  How will I know if he’s worthy?  Maybe it’s just me.  Maybe, because I can’t seem to trust myself–my judgement, my reactions to certain situations–maybe I will always remain anxious.

I feel like a thread.  Pulled so tightly between two points.  There is barely any give on it when the wind hits with a gale force.  How can the string remain so taut for so long?

Why can’t I relax and let things progress at a natural pace?  We had a great first meeting, and all I can wonder is if he will end up cutting contact off with me.  Why is this one different?  Why does it constantly bring me to the verge of tears, or past the brink?  I would never want him to see me like this, so weak, so vulnerable.  Why did I open myself up to him the way I have?  What was it about him?  Other men may have had glimpses, but for him my heart is on my sleeve.  I am exposed and not comfortable with it.  I try to express my feelings to him, but get tongue-tied and feel like I’m not getting my point across.

I overanalyze.  I subject myself to what-ifs, and make up shit in my head when I don’t know what the reality is.  Oh god, what is he thinking?

Sing. . . .

My body tells a story.

Every scar, every wrinkle, every stretch mark, every tattoo, every gray hair,

Reminds me of who I am and where I have come from.

It tells me that once I was a daredevil on roller skates and a bike,

That I have laughed millions of times, and that my face has been salted by tears.

It shows the marks of a mother’s love,

one whom I have had the pleasure of loving intensely and close-up,

and another from far away who will never understand the limits of my love.

See my love for nature, and my birthplace, and one of the most beautiful flowers I know because of its wildness and simplicity?

And my longing for water because it soothes the turbulence in me?

See my desire for flight from all that binds my soul?  My longing to cast off others’ ideas about me and my quest to be beautiful in my own right and to love freely?

My need to feel balance in my life which seems so off-kilter at times because of my intense passions?

Oh, and there’s that graying hair,

Peeking through the fiery red I have applied which represents my personality so well.

I will never let the world see my true age, at least in my hair, because I feel younger than my 43 years.

Do you see my story?

Look closely.

My body?

It sings my song. . . .

Hard to Handle

Yes, I am.  That title is relevant to my update this evening.  Remember the man I wrote about last night?  And about him cutting off contact with me?  Well, today I decided I would text him again.  I hadn’t called, or texted, since my phone call yesterday morning when I left the message asking him to please just be honest with me.  So this morning, right before lunch, I thought I would send a text, and keep it light and humorous.  I find myself quite humorous, and it’s altogether possible he might find me humorous too.  Here’s how it went:

Me:  Is it because I like disco??  I know that turns a lot of guys off, but I can’t help myself. . .when a good disco song comes on I just have to dance!  🙂 (Smiley for good measure, right?)  I tried to keep it a secret for the longest time, but just couldn’t!  LOL

Him:  It’s because you freaked me out.  😦

Me:  (after about an hour, because I went to lunch and didn’t realize he texted, and plus I wanted to be sure what I was going to text back) Would you be willing to give me a second chance?

Him:  (after about 29 agonizingly long minutes)  Maybe.  I’m sorry I stopped talking to you.

Me:  I have missed talking to you, and I am sorry you felt the need to stop talking to me.  I know I can be intense sometimes. . .I think the Black Crowes wrote that song, Hard to Handle, about me.  LOL  (I know it’s a guy singing, but I am still hard to handle dammit!)

Him:  🙂

We exchanged some more text messages after that, I asked how he’d been, we talked about working out, you know, basics.  I wanted to keep it kind of light.  He told me he was going to try to catch some sleep, and I told him to sleep well and that was the end of the conversation.

I know some of you might wonder why I would ask for a second chance.  The only thing I can say is that I really think this guy is different.  He tells me he’s different, and he truly seems to be different.  This means I need to be different too.  I don’t mean that I need to be a different person, I just mean that I need to be different in the sense that I have to back off.  I have to stop being so intense right up front.  It was like someone had flipped a switch in my head, and I just started pouring it on.

While discussing this yesterday with a friend of mine, she said, “You’re pushing him away.”  WTF?  Whatchoo talkin’ bout Willis??  I said, “What do you mean I’m pushing him away?”  “You’re pushing him away with all your insecurities.”  she said.  Wow, that was a pretty smart thing for a 29 year old to say.  So I thought about it, and she was right.  My fear of losing someone I thought of as wonderful, and a potential partner, led me to push things too quickly, and basically throw myself at him by driving over three hours to meet him while he’s staying in a motel, away from home for work.  My fear manifested, set off a chain of fear, because then he got fearful, also known as “freaked”, and he began to pull away.  I push. . . .he pulls.

It’s like I’m screaming at him. . .”See me??  See how wonderful I am??  I am going to show you how wonderful I am and drive over 3 hours to meet you for the first time when you’re stuck in a motel away from home!!  I don’t care if you don’t know what your schedule is, or how long you’re going to be there, I want to come see you!!  Don’t you want me to come??””

And he’s sitting over there in his chair going. . . “Ummm. . . how do I say this without hurting your feelings?  No, I don’t think it’s a good idea if you drive 3 hours to come see me crazy lady who I’ve never met before!!  I don’t really trust you yet, and even though I like you, and find you interesting, and want to meet you at some point, that point is NOT today, so why don’t you just back the hell off??”

And then I stop screaming and I’m like. . .”Ok, I understand, because you do seem to be wiser and kinder than the average man I come across, and okay, I can get a little out of control, but please understand me, and men have treated me badly, and please be honest with me, and be understanding of where I’ve come from, and. . . ”  on and on and on ad nauseum.  Truly, it makes me sick when I think about what I told him on the phone that night.  No wonder the poor guy didn’t want to talk to me!

But maybe. . . .I think I can work with maybe.  Maybe he already likes me enough to continue communicating until we can meet at some point.  Maybe I can keep it together this time and not let my insecurities come flying out.  Maybe he really is the great guy he seems to be.  Maybe with time and patience, I will find out all I need to know.

Oh yeah, this song totally rocks too, so have a listen!!

 

 

I’m impulsive, reckless. . .

Remember when I said I didn’t want to write about the new guy I had been communicating with because I was afraid I would jinx it? Well, I guess I should have just wrote away, because I think it might be over before it’s even begun!  I have absolutely no clue what happened.  Which, is quite surprising considering how much time I’ve been giving the whole subject over the last two days!

I am going to try and recap this whole thing as quickly as possible, so here goes. . . .I message him, because in his main profile pic he is dressed up like a clown, and I wonder what kind of guy this is, and think that he must be fun if he is willing to do this, and I am so tired of the same old douche bag guys on the Plenty of Freaks website. . . he almost immediately messages me back and we message back and forth for the better part of a day and a half, then he gives me his number, and says I can call if I would like. . .I loved the fact that he said to call him, and offered me his number, because I wasn’t planning on offering him mine. . .I don’t call him right away though, but I do text, and we text for another half of the day, and before he goes to get on the train—this is his job right now—he calls to let me know that he has to have his phone off while he’s on the train, and he just wanted to let me know so I wouldn’t think he was ignoring my texts. . . so what do I think??  well, of course I think–how fucking sweet is that??  Can’t remember the last time a guy was so courteous, and I literally about shit my pants because the guy has done this. . . .yes, I have been with some real loser men who weren’t very considerate. . . so that night, I go to bed wondering about this guy. . .we had really seemed to hit it off, and he actually calls to tell me this. . .maybe this might be something good, even though I know the odds aren’t in my favor. . .he gets on the train, I go to bed, and wake up to text messages in the morning. . .he can’t sleep, so we text while I am getting ready for work, and then we email during the day also. . . .he sends me a couple more pics, and then we talk on the phone again on my drive home from work. . . .he tells me there’s something he wants me to know–that he’s got PTSD(he is retired military and has been to Iraq more than once and numerous other places), but he says he wants to assure me that he is not violent, and that he doesn’t have anger outbursts, that it only affects his sleep. . . I am truly not surprised by what he has shared, and we discuss it a little more and move on, we talk about the fact he is separated, and not divorced yet, we talk about his kids, we talk, and we talk, and we talk, until he has to get on the train again. ..he sends a message in the middle of his train journey, and then I don’t hear from him again until nearly 4 the next afternoon, when he gets up and says he has slept almost that whole time, which doesn’t surpise me, because he takes medication to help him sleep, and he hadn’t slept well the day before…his schedule is not exactly conducive to developing a good sleep pattern, but he also seems to need a job that’s somewhat exciting after all the stuff he has done in the military–I think this is probably pretty common, especially with guys who have been in a lot of combat, or very stressful situations. . . .we talk and text on Friday night while he is at supper and having a couple beers with the railroad guys, we talk when he gets back to him room, we go to sleep, and I text him when I wake up, he replies, and then texts again while they’re waiting outside to get into the station, once he’s in, he calls and we talk while I drive a little over an hour. . .I am visiting friends, and he is going to watch football, and says he will be really focused on that, but then he starts to text me again. . .wants to know if I’m sure I don’t want to come see him since he is going to be in a little longer than he thought, I tell him I can’t, thought I want to. . .next day he is stuck in his “away” town, and thinks he will be there until Monday, so I tell him I am driving out there to meet him. . .this sort of freaks him out, and he wonders why I would drive 3 hours out there to meet him, because he says I don’t know him that well, etc, reminding me he is a former MP, and that I should be more careful. . . I tell him I am a smart girl, and am not planning on putting myself in a dangerous situation, and he says he would be more comfortable if I didn’t come, and would rather I wait, and he will drive to where I live to see me within the coming week. . .I agree this is probably more logical, we talk my entire trip home, about 1 1/2 hours, and everything seems fine, he keeps saying he’s sorry he told me not to come, and that he didn’t want to upset me, and I tell him to stop apologizing, because I appreciate the truth. . .I feel ridiculous about even considering it, but know that I totally would’ve done it, and he says he’s not like other guys in that respect, and I tell him that’s fine, because I’m pretty tired of the way most guys seem to think and operate, and I appreciate the fact he kind of put the brakes on the whole thing. . .we each go work out, and he grabs something to eat, and then I text him later to tell him something. . since he’s back in his room I ask if I can call him before he goes to sleep, and he says of course. . we end up talking for another hour, I tell him maybe too much stuff, about how I am guy-shy about men, and untrusting, and I even admit he is the only man I am talking to right now, because I want to see where this goes, and he says he understands. . .I am a little emotional, overtired, and should’ve shut my mouth, but it was already said, he tells me he totally understands, we say good night. . .I go to sleep that night not knowing when he will get back to his “home”, but I text him in the morning, get no reply. . . I text him a couple hours later asking if he is stuck “away”, and he says that he got home almost an hour before, and is going to the gym and going to get some sleep. . .I call since I want to talk to him before he goes to sleep, he seems a little rushed, and the next thing I hear some guy talking to him and he tells me he needs to go because his neighbor wants to talk to him. . .I text him later that evening around 8 asking if he is still sleeping. . when I get up the next morning he has returned my text about 10:20, saying, “not anymore, just got called for work”. . .that is the last time I have heard from him. . . yes I have texted a couple of times, yes I have tried to call a couple of times. . .this morning I called and actually left a message just asking what was going on. . .I told him I am quite confused by this, thought we had hit it off really well, and that I hoped he can be honest with me and let me know what’s going on. . . I don’t tell him that I am crushed, I don’t tell him that being the foolish dreamer and silly heart that I am I have cried. . .oh yes, I have cried. . .I know, stupid, huh?  I have only known him a few days, and have never even met him in person, but it was just one of those things. . . I just knew it when we started talking that there was something there. . .one of those connections that only come along once in a great while. . . I thought it was going to be really good, and he seemed to reciprocate that with what he was saying, and now just. . . nothing. . . fucking nothing. . .and I don’t know how many more times I can do this. . .how many more times I can pick myself up. . .I usually keep that wall up, but I let it down and let him too close, and when I let him in, all my insecurities came flooding out. . .I am such a fool. . .have I pushed him away with my impulsivity, and recklessness and insecurities?? . . .

The Bad Bard

Poetry. Used to write tons of it. I don’t know if any of it was worth two shits, but I poured my heart out in verse in spiral notebooks.  It’s been years since I’ve written a poem, but Jason, over at Jasonwrites.com, has inspired my muse.  Also, a sense of sadness has come over me this afternoon and I can’t seem to shake it.  I am quite aware I am probably being overdramatic and worrisome, but it has to do with the new guy not contacting me all day.  But that’s best left to another entry regarding my insanity.  So, here goes!

Who are you,

and where did you come from?

Do I know you,

are you like all the others who have come before?

The ones who have

cheated

lied

deceived

abused

manipulated

and then just left. . .

Left me here

alone

To pick up all the

pieces.

Can I

finally

believe

there is one good man

who is

everything

I have ever desired?

Mind Fuck

The old mind fuck.  A little game I like to play with myself.  Been playing it for years, and I’ve had a big round of it going today!  I had debated whether to write about it or not, because of the reason I’m doing the mind fuck.  Yes, it has to do with a guy, but for some reason I’m feeling kind of superstitious about not writing about him.  I know, sounds weird, but I have this silly notion that I might jinx it if I write about it on here.  The reason is, because he seems so fabulous.  I would stress the “seems”, because I haven’t even met him in person yet.  His work schedule is quite hectic, and we are trying to figure out a time.

The mind fuck began last night.  Now mind you, this was after he and I had spoke on the phone at least twice yesterday, for at least two hours.  Didn’t make any difference though, because I had told him something that made me feel exposed and vulnerable.  And the mind fuck begins.  I guess at the basis of the mind fuck is self-esteem issues, which have been around for years, but are really still in excess since I only seem to be able to have relationships with guys who cheat on me, or who are emotionally abusive, which leads to trust issues, which is what led me to blabbering on like an idiot to him last night.  I really don’t want this guy to think I’m a total nut job and that I need medication, but I think a man who “seems” to be the genuine article and a potential partner needs to know a few things about me.  So I have told him about the abusive ex, and I have told him about the cheating exes, and he seems very understanding of where I am coming from when I tell him my wariness about certain situations.  But, it still starts the mind fuck for me.  Even considering a relationship, even with a guy who “seems” amazing, is a source of extreme anxiety for me.  I don’t want to be this way, but I don’t know how to stop it!!  Why can’t I just enjoy it?  Why do I have to start the constant barrage of questions in my head about why he hasn’t texted enough, or why didn’t he call right when he got off work?

It’s all kinds of crazy, because I had a life before he came along, and he had a life before me too.  I have to continue to live my life, and he has to continue to live his.  If it’s going to work, we will figure out a way to mesh them together.  I have to stop the old tapes in my head. He is not the men that have come before.  He is his own person, and I have to allow him to be whatever he is.  I do hope what he is, is the wonderful man he’s shown me so far.

I have to remember that I am a wonderful woman, and he would be lucky to have me.  I have to remember I am a competent, smart, talented, humorous, sexy, strong woman, and to stop acting like some simpering little bitch.  Basically, I need to remember that I am a fat bottom girl and I need to rock it!

 

 

Technicalities

Ok, so I have a dilemma.  Wait.  How can I call it a dilemma when it isn’t even a thing yet?  I only started talking to him a couple of days ago, and things seem really awesome, but I haven’t even met him in person at this point, so why am I worried about it?  Well, I’m worried about it because I already like him and he seems to be interested in me too.  We seem to click.  We seem to have similar interests.  We seem to get each other’s jokes.

What could the dilemma be?  Well, he’s still married.  Not as in married, still living with his wife married, but married, as in we’ve been separated for an extended period of time and haven’t gotten divorced yet married.  So I ask if there’s going to be a divorce at some point, and he says there is, but they haven’t discussed specifics.  There will be no reconciling, and they have been separated for almost two years.  There are children involved, which makes things more difficult.  He stated right in his profile that he was separated, so he isn’t trying to conceal anything.  He said he didn’t want to mislead anyone by stating anything else.  He says he did notice that my profile says not to contact me if you’re married.  Separated is still technically married, but not necessarily emotionally married.

He says he understands if I don’t want to continue speaking to him.  I tell him I do want to continue speaking to him, and he says okay, I will call you when I get to my destination.

Is it really a dilemma?  Or is it just a technicality?  I think it’s just a technicality.

 

 

 

Frogs and shit. . .

So you know the old saying about, “you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince”?  Well, in the world of internet dating, I think a lot of these guys must think the saying is, “you have to screw a lot of guys who aren’t looking for any sort of relationship before you find a prince”!  Grown ass men we’re talking about here!  Just think I’m going to put out for the hell of it?  I haven’t even met some of these guys, they haven’t even bought me a drink, and they think I’m just going to drop trou for them??

Here’s the scenario that spawned this thought in my head–been chatting with this decent looking guy from larger city about 3 hours north of me, fairly innocent conversation, no sexting or anything like that, only communicating through POF, have chatted back and forth for about a month or so, even talked about me going up there to visit in a couple of weeks, the other day I’m at work and we have messaged each other a couple of times, I was having a bad day, he sends me a message in the afternoon wanting to know how I’m doing, better I say, I ask what he’s doing, he says relaxing and taking nude pictures of himself, lets me know if I show him mine that he will show me his and gives me his phone number, I tell him I am at work, he says everyone has one on their phone, I tell him not me, he says go in the bathroom, I say this is work time not personal time, he is not pleased.

When I got home I sat down and sent him a message.  I told him if he was just on POF looking for sex that was cool, but why wasn’t he just honest about it?  He could have saved a lot of time and energy if he would’ve let me know that.  I am not in the habit of texting men I barely know pictures of my anatomy.   I thought maybe we would hang out and get to know each other before that was even a consideration.  Guess what?  I haven’t heard a word from him.

He was definitely a frog, and I didn’t even have to kiss him to find that out!

 

 

Silence Is Golden

I am pretty much an open book. I don’t know if this is a positive thing, or a negative thing in the dating world, and just in the world in general.  I have no filter most of the time.  It’s just who I am, and always have been.  I am better now about not putting my two cents in on every subject, but I have a hard time hiding my feelings about things.  I am curious, I will question people until they might become exasperated by all the questions, but I have a need to know what makes people tick.  But, I am perfectly willing to share information about myself.  Well, except for a couple of things.  There are a couple of things that I won’t tell a date, or just people in general, about myself.  These things are very personal, and I keep them close because when I do choose to share them with a person, they usually get a big reaction.  Sometimes this reaction isn’t altogether positive either.

I guess I am bringing this up because it happened last night–the telling, and the bad reaction–leaving me feeling like a huge pile of shit, and quite alone.  I don’t know how to be okay with it when the bad reaction happens.  It will take me days to get over it, to build up my confidence and self-esteem again.  I know these things, which I rarely reveal, are a part of me and always will be.  I can never be rid of them.  They say you are the sum of all your parts, that everything that happens over the course of your life makes you the person you are today.  I am a good person.  I am worthy.  Maybe, your bad reaction to my very personal information, has taught me all I need to know about you.  Maybe you are not worthy of me.

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