He dwells in the past as if it’s a house he’s rented with a lifetime lease. I ask him why he does it, why he can’t let go. His answer? “I have.” But it’s quite obvious he hasn’t. He harbors resentments, anger, ill will. They all rear their ugly heads at one time or another: when he speaks of his parents not supporting his bull riding dreams, when he speaks of being laid off from a job in 2006 which pays more money than what he makes now, when he speaks of women who left him years ago, and most often when he speaks of the mother of his son kicking him out, because it’s the freshest and in the forefront of his memories.
He still carries a picture of him and his son’s mother in his wallet. It bothers me. We only have one picture of the two of us together, and it’s not a good one. She still has her own ring-tone on his phone. As far as I know, I don’t have a special ring-tone on his phone. When we go to pick up his son, or drop him off, I have to wait somewhere else and can’t be in the car. Should these things bother me? Am I being shallow? Am I being juvenile? The truth is, some days it really bothers me, and other days it doesn’t bother me at all. These things are no reflection on me as a person, but it does worry me that these things are having an influence on our relationship.
A friend told me last night not to let it bother me, because it’s not that he can’t let go of her specifically, it’s just that he “can’t let go of the past” in general. I think she hit the nail on the head. Many of us have things we can’t let go of, whether they be people, situations, feelings, addictions. We all have to deal with them in our own way, in our own time, and let go of them when at last we decide the burden of toting them is too great. I know one thing though, it sure makes me glad I have a forgiving nature. I can’t imagine carrying around that much anger for that long. It must be exhausting.