Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Archive for the month “December, 2012”

Vodka Drink Leads to Untitled Post

I don’t do resolutions. In fact, I’m not really doing New Year’s at all, unless you want to call buying the “good” vodka a big celebration. Here’s the reason I don’t do resolutions–because I break them. Fact is, I feel like a big turd dipped in glitter most of the year anyway, so making a resolution and then not keeping it, kind of just adds to my issues. Basically it makes me feel like a turd with a lot of the glitter worn off.

I got to thinking tonight, (who knows, maybe it was the good vodka) of some of the things I would like to have in 2013. Here is my list of what I want the universe to bring to me in 2013:

1. More sex. That’s right, I want to get laid more often. Hell, I just want to get laid!! Seriously, I love sex. Would I like to be able to have lots of rockin’ sex within a great relationship? Yes, that would be ideal. So if the universe can bring me all of that, it would be much appreciated.

2. Time. I want just a goddamn minute. I want a minute to be able to complete a task, without feeling like I have to steal time from other shit.

3. Vacation. Really? In almost 6 years I have not taken off more than 2 days in a row. Could you give me a fucking break? I need to stop being such a workaholic, and being loyal to a company who couldn’t give two shits about me and mine. Fuck you people, I am taking some time off in 2013.

4. Laughter. You can never have enough of some shit in life, and laughter is one of those things. And if it comes along with #1, in a relationship, that would be the ultimate.

5. Satisfaction. I think this is an impossibility. I don’t think I can ever be satisfied. Can I be content at some point? Yes, I think if I have lots of #1, #4, and some of #2 and #3, I can be content. But if I reach a place of satisfaction, I would imagine I would give up trying to do better, and that’s just not me.

6. Built-In Asshole Indicator. When you’re dating I think this is a must! At the very least, I just would like the ability to know sooner, rather than later, that a guy is a total douche and a waste of my time. I am kind of a hard ass when it comes to the dating thing though, because shit like penis size really matters to me, which means I am probably a shallow bitch.

7. Readers. Don’t get me wrong, I am fucking happy as hell that I have as many followers as I do! I by no means, think I am that funny, or witty, or sarcastic enough, to garner the readership I do have. You who read, obviously see something in me I fail to see in myself, so thanks for wearing those fucking beer goggles 24/7. Keep reading and send all your friends too.

8. More shit. Like I said, I am never satisfied. I am satisfied that this year has almost come to a close. It flew by. I hope you get some shit you want in 2013.

Lazy Asses – Installment One

If there’s one thing that irritates the shit out of me, it’s lazy people. I’m not talking about taking a day off every once in awhile to just veg on the couch in your jammies all day kind of lazy. I’m talking about the stupid kind of lazy. The kind of lazy where you wonder how it is that these people manage to breathe they’re so fucking lazy. Welcome to the first installment of Lazy Asses!
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It is snowing here in Kansas. If it continues to snow tonight, it will be the most snow we have seen this winter. Right now I think we’re about up to 4 inches. The cold sucks, but I don’t really mind the snow. I especially wouldn’t mind the snow if I had someone to snuggle on my couch with. But I digress. My point is, for us rednecks here in Kansas, this is quite a bit of snow considering we’re in a drought. No big deal to most of us non-lazy people though; brush your car off, scrape your windows, scoop your walk.

What do the lazy people do? As little as possible. They go out to get in the car, the lazy asses only clean off one little circle on the driver’s side of the window. Why the hell would they bother cleaning off the back window?? Hell, all they have to worry about is seeing directly in front of them right?

Here’s another totally lazy ass thing–snow blowers. We don’t live in fucking Alaska people, or even Colorado! Get that damn snow shovel out and scoop your fucking driveway. Maybe it will help you work off that beer/Cheetos gut. I sat here today and watched two lazy ass guys unload a snowblower from the back of a truck, and spend almost 15 minutes trying to start it, all so they could blow the snow from the neighbor’s sidewalk. They could have had the damn walk shoveled in the time it took them to do that! Lazy asses.

What the hell is this world coming to when people can’t shovel 3 inches of snow? Get those lazy ass kids of yours out there walking the neighborhood, and asking people if they need their walk shoveled. Their lazy asses might even make a buck or two doing it!

Wishes do come true!!

easy bake

Ha!  You thought I was going to tell you I met the man of my dreams today, didn’t you??  Well, no such luck, but I did get a wish for Christmas this year–the Easy-Bake Oven I had wanted for over 30 years!  What was it about this thing that made me long for cooking equipment?  Was it the picture of Betty Crocker on the box, with her Aqua-Netted hairdo?  Was it the idea of all the tasty morsels coming out piping hot?  I still can’t put my finger on it, but there was some sort of marketing genius involved; that shit worked so good I kept wanting the stupid thing even after I was a grown-up, going so far as to commisserate to friends about not getting one.  So this year said smart-ass friends, come across one at a yard sale, snatch it up, and keep it until Christmas when it is wrapped and given to me.  I laughed my ass off when I opened the thing.  I only wish they had been there when I opened it.  Little did my 7 year old self know, that the Easy-Bake Oven wasn’t all that “easy”, and most items take forever to cook, if they even end up cooking at all, because it uses a damn light bulb to “bake” the stuff!  Once again, quite like most men, it was much better in my mind than in reality.

 

Fool for Your Love

I have spent the better part of the last 12 years of holidays alone.  I don’t mean alone without my son, or family, I mean alone without a special man in my life.  Maybe you’re thinking I should be more grateful for what I do have.  Maybe you’re right; maybe I should.  But I am still left wondering if I will spend the rest of my life alone.  Should I resign myself to loneliness?  Should I give up hoping there is that certain guy out there, who is wishing for me, like I am wishing for him?  I can’t seem to stop hoping.  I want to give up.  I think it would be easier if I could give up, but I can’t.  I am a fool.

Bursting Bubbles over at Seasons of Insanity

I just had the pleasure of doing Radar over at Seasons of Insanity. Oops, I meant to say, I just had the pleasure of doing a guest blog over at Seasons of Insanity. Silly me, I am quite confused!  But after the week I have had–Liebster nomination and guest blog–given to me by the only guy I know who has made perversion a true art form,who wouldn’t be??  You might think I have been giving him sexual favors or something. Not true!! I don’t put out for anything in return, I do it for pure pleasure. 😉 I know I am so full of shit, but just go over and take a read. Check out some of that zombie shit while you’re there too, because after tomorrow you’re going to need it!

Gum, Balloons, Bubbles. . . Things That Burst

I Never Win Nothin’

Liebster Blog Award

That just happened! Not sure how, or why, but Rob aka Radar O Nelson, (or is it O’Nelson and he’s a wee bit Irish??, or maybe the “O” stands for “as in the “O” face??), over at Seasons of Insanity, has nominated me for the Liebster Blog Award. I can’t remember how I stumbled across Rob’s blog, or he stumbled across mine, which in turn led me to his or what, because all of this shit is just like a big ‘ol blog orgy, and one leads to another, which leads to another, and in the end garners lots of mutual satisfaction. Either way, I want to thank “O-Face” Nelson, who took time out of his busy Zombie Apocalypse preparation schedule to nominate me for this award. I also want to thank you for being a downright pervy bastard who isn’t afraid to just throw shit out there, like the fact you’ve had a 3-some! Sshhh. . .did you hear that? That was dudes everywhere giving him a big fucking high-five for that shit! Seriously though, most of all I want to thank him for his service, and giving up 20 years of his life to serve our country. I am a proud supporter of our military, and get to spew my own personal brand of bullshit on this here internet because of guys just like you. Sending you much love my man. 🙂

Now, on to the task at hand and answering all these fucking questions and coming up with some clever new ones, as if I didn’t have enough shit to do with fucking Christmas only being a week away! Just kidding!! I can now sit here and have another cup of coffee instead of getting busy doing what I really need to, so this totally rocks!

These are the rules:

When you receive the award, you post 11 random facts about yourself and answer the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure you notify the blogger that you nominated them!)
You write up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
You are not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated your own blog!
You paste the award picture into your blog. (You can Google the image, there are plenty of them!)

Eleven Random Facts About Me:

1. I went to college on a vocal scholarship.
2. I love pork rinds. Even though some guys probably think it’s totally gross for a chick to eat pork rinds, I just fucking love them.
3. I once quit drinking for 13 years.
4. I worry I will be alone for the rest of my life.
5. I have a collection of milk glass and cream pitchers.
6. Even though they are not overly hairy or dark, I shave the hair on my arms and knuckles because it grosses me out.
7. Even though I wore braces for 2 1/2 painful years, when I got my wisdom teeth removed, the space between my two front teeth returned. This pisses me off.
8. I have slight hoarding tendencies paired with ADD and OCD. Yep, I am pretty much fucked. I tend to look like a hamster running around on a wheel most days.
9. I like to take old things and make them new again.
10. I miss talking on the phone to people.
11. I still believe in big love.

Radar’s Questions for me:

1. Where were you born? In a tar paper shack. No, not really. I was born in a hospital. . . in a small town. . .in Kansas. . .which shall remain anonymous to protect others.

2. What is your favorite place to visit? I never go anywhere really, so I couldn’t say, but my favorite place to “be”, is near the water, preferably the lake.

3. What is your favorite celebrity? Carol Burnett

4. What is your favorite holiday? Halloween

5. Have you traveled outside your own country of origin? Yes, my ex husband is in the Army, and we lived in Germany for 3 years.

6. What is your favorite color? Right now it seems to be turquoise, but that could change.

7. Do you like to dance? Love to dance!! My favorite type is country couples dancing, but will cut a rug to just about anything.

8. What is your favorite type of music? I can’t choose just one, because I love music too much.

9. What is your favorite band? One of my faves is AC/DC.

10. What is your favorite meal? Ribeye steak.

11. What is your favorite Christmas feast? Nothing traditional. I prefer doing steak or different types of soups.

So now I guess it’s my turn to spread the love around! Can I come up with 11 people to bestow this honor on?? I realize some of these people have probably been nominated for this award already, so if you have, forgive me, I guess you can toss it aside, or skip the questions, or just do whatever with it. Currently my blog roll is only so big, and I can’t even nominate the person who nominated me, so that cuts down on my choices too! So, without further adieu, I hereby nominate the following:

1. http://jasonwrites.com/

2. http://fromtimbertotide.com/

3. http://stealingpesosoutofmybrain.com/

4. http://excitementontheside.com/

5. http://righttobitch.com/

6. http://adlibb3d.wordpress.com/

7. http://betterlikeme.com/

8. http://bensbitterblog.wordpress.com/

9. http://mccrabass.wordpress.com/

10. http://truthaccordingtotom.wordpress.com/

11. http://35andonlinedating.wordpress.com/

I guess I am supposed to notify all of you that you have been nominated, so I will try to get to that sometime today. Here are your 11 really important questions:

1. How do you like your steaks cooked?

2. Favorite movie?

3. Do you recycle?

4. Do you read?

5. If you do read, do you still prefer the feel of a book in your hand, or have you gone “techno”??

6. One word for the reason why you blog.

7. Do you hang the toilet paper to roll over, or under? (Before you answer this, just know that if you hang it under, you are a total freak of nature.)

8. Favorite season?

9. Cats or dogs, or both?

10. When was the last time you did something nice for someone, with no expectation of return?

11. Do you believe in Karma?

There they are, in all their glory. Like I said, answer them, or don’t answer them. Pass them on or don’t pass them on. Cuss me or thank me. Just remember, I didn’t start this shit, I am merely being generous in this wonderful season of giving.

Impotence

No point in voicing my opinion
Everyone feels the need to weigh in
To attempt to make sense
of something that will never make sense
Everyone thinks
their way
is the right way
No matter what
it is done
and there is nothing you can do
Impotence
It’s just these sorts of things
Which make you realize how weak you are
The slippery slope that is this life
we try to live every day
Grasping
What is always just out of our reach
As an individual
As a nation
As a world

Every Storm. . .

I want to be humorous, but I just can’t. This shit has got me down. The holiday, my job, the state of my fixer-upper house. I don’t have the fucking energy to be funny. Of course I don’t think anyone has that expectation of me; to be funny all the time. I’ve never intentionally tried to be funny every day, because that’s not what this blog is about. This blog is about me, being me. Some days I am funny, at a minimum I am sarcastic and bitchy, and other days I am just downright rude and socially unacceptable. Tonight, I am tired and bitchy, my job offers me no challenges, I ain’t been laid in so many godddamn fortnights (I just found out what that word actually means last week, so I’m using it in a fucking sentence) I can’t even count, and it’s fucking Christmas in a little over a week.

Could things be worse? Definitely. Should I be more grateful? Probably. But if there’s one thing I know about me, it’s that I have to ride the waves, whatever type of waves they might be. Eventually, the water will be calm again, and I can have a little peace.

Gary Allan says every storm runs out of rain. . .sing my life. . .

 

It’s been how long??

Trying to figure out how long it takes to reach “born-again virgin” status.  Not that I am striving for it or anything, it’s just something that is happening naturally.  I don’t see sex in my near future, and that really pisses me the fuck off.

USA–Hell Yeah!!

Programmed to bleed red, white, and blue. . . .a great tribute to our men and women in uniform.  Fuck yeah, ‘Merica, fuck yeah, Kid Rock!

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