Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Archive for the month “August, 2012”

Drunk Texting

So it seems really fun while you’re doing it, but the next morning you go back and read through your texts and decide most of the shit you said probably wasn’t the best shit to say.  There really should be a breathalyzer app where you have to blow in your phone, and if the thing reads even “slightly intoxicated”, it should shut down text messages to all your love interests on your phone.

But, go figure, my phone doesn’t have this fucking app.  So, you have the courtesy of sharing in my drunk text to The Zen Master tonight.  He’s in bed asleep, and probably hasn’t read them, but I am up, and a bit drunker than when I wrote them, so forgive the typos, etc.  Let me set the stage–I call him earlier today, just to let him know I am thinking about him, and decide to call him again this evening after I get home.  I tell him I am having a “pity party”, and I know that people aren’t usually invited to these, but the more the merrier, I have beverages and a fire pit, and come on over.  He doesn’t call me back.  I start the fucking party without him.  I take a picture of the fire burning, and the moon in the background, and send it to him.  Told him I was having the deluxe redneck pity party, complete with fire, moon in the background, and I can hear two footballs games from my backyard.  You gotta love that shit right?  I tell him I am considering getting drunk and blogging later. . .hot time in the old town tonight!  He answers both those texts with, “Sounds nice, I am off to bed”.  I text, “Can you call me?”.  Of course he doesn’t text back, and doesn’t call.

Well hell, let’s call him.  I call him, and am pretty sure he has shut off his phone because it goes to voicemail on the second ring.  I don’t leave a message and hang up.  I chastise myself for not leaving a message, and call back.  I leave a dumbass, rambling message this time, and tell him that I am not sure what’s going on, I have offered him an invitation and he told me he was going to give me an answer by tomorrow night but hasn’t responded, so I am not sure what’s going on, and. . . on and on and on. .. what the fuck did I say???  And as if that wasn’t bad enough, I send him a bunch of fucking texts, because I think I can’t seem to get my message across by speaking.  So, the following is the actual text messages I sent him:

I know that was the longest, most rambling phone message you’ve probably ever received.  I express myself better through writing I think, but still say too much when I could say less (no shit, just wait until you see how long this goes on!)  Here’s my deal, said without fear, because I have had a couple beers. . .I like you, & I am really interested in getting to know you, I feel drawn to you for some reason & don’t know why.  I am sorry if that bothers you, but I haven’t felt drawn to a guy for years & it’s only happened a couple of times. . .wasn’t even drawn to my ex-husband.  Probably one of the reasons my marriage didn’t last!  Anyway, I am quite aware you probably don’t feel this way, & I don’t expect you too.  And, it’s not that I expect you to make me a priority or anything, I just want to know if you’re aware this is what I am thinking?  Also, I would kind of like to know what you’re thinking too. .. if you want me to back off, if you’re seeing someone else, if you’ve decided you’re not interested (do you like the way I give him excuses for his behavior?  I am such a good enabler!)  whatever the reason, I just wish you would share it with me. . .I can hear anything you have to say, I just can’t stand it when you don’t talk. . .plus, there’s something about your voice that totally soothes my soul and makes me feel content (which is so fucking true). . .I know I am all kinds of crazy, but I am loving, & fun & creative & passionate & a million other things! 🙂  (Why am I trying so hard to sell myself to this guy??)  Oh, and impatient… I would really like to improve on that, but it’s so hard, especially with the passion thing in there it’s damned near impossible.  I am also quite aware I am a total pain in the ass, because my friends tell me that all the time, but I am sooo totally worth it! 🙂  (more drunk selling)   .. . .There should be a drunk text shut off on this phone!!  LOL

Will he find it humorous?  Will he think it’s stupid, fucking crazy?  Hell, I don’t know.  After a couple of beers I am probably even more honest than when I am sober.  Feel sorry for the people who have to hear about any of my feelings whe I’ve had more than a couple of beers.  Well, I guess now that would include all of you, because I have had more than a couple.  And if you’ve had more than a couple, don’t even think about picking up that phone and texting some dude!  Go to bed!!  That’s exactly where I am going!


P.S. Sorry for any typos or grammatical errors.




Sunday Mornin’ Comin’ Down

I went to church today.  Yes, I consider myself to be agnostic.  I am not sure what I believe in.  I believe there is some force at work in the world whether it be God, Buddha, just a general universal energy, whatever in the hell you want to call it.  I am a bitter, cynical bitch at times, but I am not so close-minded that I won’t venture out of my agnosticism and go to church.

I chose this particular church because The Zen Master goes there.  From the way he speaks of his belief in God, and how open-minded he was when he and I discussed religion, I figured I would go and try it.  Like I said, this guy has got me thinking.  Not only thinking about me, but also about my son and raising him to be a well-rounded individual.  I think it’s only fair I present religion to him, so he can make informed choices about his beliefs, and know there are many options out there.

I almost didn’t make it to church this morning.  My son and I were all ready to go, went out and got in the car, and nothing.  The damn battery was dead.  Now what the hell do I do??  I called The Zen Master–twice!!  He didn’t answer, and he didn’t call me back.  I called my mother and she came and picked us up and dropped us off.  On the ride over I thought maybe we shouldn’t be going, that maybe someone was trying to tell me something.  However, I am not usually one to listen to anything, or anyone, telling me not to do something when I have my mind set on it, so I didn’t listen this time either.  I do have to say I am glad I didn’t.

I would call this particular church “new age”, because they have a band and the atmosphere is very casual, which I can really appreciate.  I still wore a skirt today though, because I am always concerned with first impressions.  Everyone was very nice, and welcoming.  I was just amazed it didn’t rain fire and brimstone down on me as I walked in!  Truthfully, I know I am not a bad person.  I believe I am a genuinely good person.  I just feel really lost anymore though.  I am not content, and I have been seeking something to help me feel more peaceful, and more loving.  Trust me, I don’t want to lose my sarcastic side, but I also feel as though there is more out there for me.  I just don’t know how to go about finding the “more”.

I really enjoyed the pastor, but I couldn’t even tell you what his name is as I did not hang around to meet him.  I am very uncomfortable with things like that, and he actually touched upon that very thing in his sermon today.  He spoke of fear–fear of love imparticular, and trust.  These two things really hit home with me today.  So much so, that I found tears coming out of my eyes.  You know I didn’t used to be fearful of loving people.  I just did it, and if they didn’t love me back, it was okay.  I always believed that me loving someone never diminished me or made me look foolish, it just made me a loving person.  If a person didn’t want to accept my love, that didn’t make me stop loving them, I just loved them from afar and moved on.

And trust?  When was the last time I really, truly trusted someone?  I have major trust issues.  I can’t even fucking trust myself!  I feel like I have failed myself.  The pastor said today that religion can get in the way of your relationship with God–too many rules, and do’s and don’ts.  That right there is why I have so many issues with religion.  But how does it apply to me?  I have let my trust issues get in the way of my relationship with myself, and with other people.

I have a lot of work to do to get back that loving, happy person I used to be.  I don’t know what the future holds for me and this church.  I can’t say that I walked out of there a believer.  I can only say I walked out of there thinking I might go back.




“You ain’t done nothing wrong. . .”

“. . .you’ve just been lonely too long.”  That’s a line from a song.  Maybe you know it, maybe you don’t.  Music sings my life–it always has, and it always will.  I could dig deep into my brain and come up with a song for pretty much every situation in my life.  That’s the song my brain pulled out tonight, because I am lonely.  I am lonely, and I feel stupid.  Dammit!  I just called myself stupid, and I said I was going to try being nicer to myself!  I would never think of calling anyone else stupid,  yet I call myself stupid all the time.  It’s unacceptable, and I need to stop.

Anyway, back to lonely.  Loneliness leads to sadness, which leads to self-pity, which leads to doubt, which leads to. . . .too much texting of The Zen Master.  Foolish girl!!  I say to myself. . .have you really stepped in it this time?  You’ve already worried once this week that you stepped over the line.  Thankfully, he didn’t think so.  But now tonight, it’s like you thought you needed to text all this shit to him to get a response?  A reaction?  Yes, both.  Both, because he rarely texts, and when he does it’s a few words, and usually not more than a couple of texts at one time.  So, did you just try to call him then?  Because when in doubt with him, you should always call him.  Yes, I tried to call, but he didn’t answer.  Lately when I try to call him he never answers.  Is it just bad timing, or is it something else?  So, you didn’t get the reassurance you were looking for?  No, I didn’t, so I texted him again.  And?  Still no response.  Hmmmm.  My son and I are supposed to go to his church tomorrow.  Wait a minute!  You don’t go to church!  Yeah, I know, long story, we’ll discuss it later.  Anyway, now I am feeling like maybe I shouldn’t go, but I told him I was coming.  But I also texted him and told him I was feeling like maybe I shouldn’t come.  Well, if you told him you were going to be there, then why wouldn’t you go?  Well, because I am feeling like an ass for all the text messages I sent him that went unanswered, that’s why!  I am tired of looking like an ass when it comes to men, and I am afraid I am going to wind up looking like an ass again!  Why do you think you always have to push past the point of reason?  You know if you would stop worrying about everything under the sun, you probably wouldn’t push past that point.  Yes, I am aware of this.  You’re not telling me anything I don’t know.  I just get on these tangents, and it’s like I can’t stop myself from the texting, because I want to know.  I want to know right now if he likes me, or if he wants to see me, or if he thinks I’m crazy, or pretty, or. . . .Fuck, it’s no wonder I don’t have a boyfriend.  Maybe I am certifiable.  Maybe, you just need to stop worrying so much about what he thinks about you.  Either he likes you or he doesn’t, and even if he doesn’t, you will live.  You have survived worse.  Much worse, in fact.  You know what?  It would be his loss if he doesn’t.  I might be my own special mix of bullshit and crazy, but I am an awesome person!  I am loving, and passionate, and I am creative, and funny, and I can cook a great meal and keep a house, and I can do lots of other cool shit.  So basically I just need to stop trying so hard, huh?  I need to stop acting like I need to sell myself to him all the time?  Yes, you do.  Be nice to yourself.  Plus, maybe he’s not even the guy for you.  Maybe he’s not good enough for you!  Remember your own value.  Stop selling yourself short.  Be kind to yourself.  You are a good person.  You have this amazing passion for all things you care about, and not all people will understand that.  If The Zen Master doesn’t get it, then he’s missing out, because you are capable of loving the shit out of him!


I need peace. My mind is never quiet. Even when my mouth is quiet, my mind is still having a conversation with itself.  I gave you a taste a couple of days ago of the chaos which is my mind.  Either no one read it, or if you did read it, you have decided I am rat-shit, bat-shit crazy and you will no longer be coming to this blog because you have a fear of osmosis.  Is there a phobia for that?  I bet there is, but if there isn’t, there should be.  SEE??  I just did it again, off on some other tangent.  Squirrel!  Shiny Thing!

Back to the topic–peace, contentment.  Since meeting The Zen Master I have been mulling all of this over in my mind more than usual.  Why?  Because of this feeling of utter contentment I get when I am with him.  It truly caught me off guard.  Because not only was I utterly content when I was around him, I also had this strange feeling of exhiliration.  It would seem as though those two should never meet, doesn’t it?  Which is why I think it caught me off guard.  (I will be doing a follow-up entry to this specific combination of contentment and exhiliration in a coming blog.  I was googling soulmates today, and strangely enough this combination was mentioned.)

As I was saying, I can’t remember the last time I felt so content.  Right now I don’t feel content, I just feel tired, but I am speaking specifically of the time I was in the presence of The Zen Master.  Which led to me wondering if this feeling of contentment, if we at some point date and have a relationship, would continue.  If we were to be together would I feel this way in say, 5 years from now?  Or 10?  Will I always feel this when I am around him?  I just can’t ever remember feeling content.  The Zen Master seems to really be messing with my mind.  I want to see him again, so I can find out if that feeling of contentment is still there.  I have to see if I just made it up in my mind.  I don’t think I did though, because I even kind of get the same feeling when I talk to him on the phone.  He quiets my mind.  He brings me peace, and that’s quite a feat.


Hurricane In My Brain

I don’t know what’s wrong with me today. I have no focus. I can’t keep my mind on anything for a length of time. I tried to get on some painting projects and I can’t even stay focused long enough to put some damn spray paint on something!!  I called The Zen Master this morning.  I hadn’t talked to him since Wednesday, so I took a deep breath and pushed the damn button on the phone.  I get all kinds of nervous and shit when I go to call him.  I don’t understand it.  I can be cool any other time, but when it comes to men I am a total nerd.  Don’t get me wrong, I can work it, I can flirt, do all that stuff, but when it comes to really putting myself out there, I feel like a total loser.  You know what it is?  I think I like him.  I think I might be able to really like him.  I liked the way I felt when I was with him.  I liked the way he made me think.  So now I feel greedy, like I want to feel that great all the time.  That’s not his problem though.  I am not his problem.  At this point he hasn’t really decided how much time he wants to spend with me, so he’s not willing to carve out much extra time for me.  Which, at some point will present a problem if he really is interested in getting to know me.  I will just leave you with a small tidbit of what my ADD brain is like.  Right now, my head is doing this crazy shit to me:

So, he says he’s interested in getting to know you, but is he really interested in getting to know you?  Doesn’t do any good to say it and then have no time to actually do it.  When is he going to be willing to do it?  And why are you always so damn willing to give up your time for a man?  Do you just want it more than he does?  Are you always more interested than the guy?  Do you think about this shit too much?  Why can’t you just let it go and do something else, think about something else?  What is wrong with you that you get obsessed with this kind of shit?  He told you the other day pretty much what he was doing the rest of the week, and this morning he told you what he was doing.  Do you not believe him?  Do you have any reason to doubt him?  Do you think he’s lying to you?  No, I don’t think he’s lying. . . my gut isn’t telling me he’s lying, so fuck you head!!  Is he going out of town to see some other woman??  So maybe he is.  What if he is??  Well, if he is I hope he thinks about me the whole time.  I hope he thinks about how wonderful he thinks I am.  Well, he doesn’t know me that well, so how can he think I’m wonderful?  Is he interested in finding out how wonderful I am?  He’s going to have to spend time with me if he ever wants to know how great I am.

Yep.  Welcome to my fucked up world.  Aren’t you glad you’re not me??



Adventures in Dating (Part 2 of 2)

First let me give you a little update.  You remember “M”  that I talked about in First Dates?  Well, I am starting to think there’s not going to be a second date.  Last time I had any contact with him was last Friday, and that was by text.   Of course that’s the way we always communicated, except by messaging and email when we first started talking.

Anyway, I am on the Plenty of Freaks today, checking some dumbass message, when I notice “M” is no longer in my inbox.  His pic and our whole thread of messages are gone.  WTF?  Did he delete his account?  And why?  So I text him, ask him why he’s deleted his account.  No response.  Told him I was wondering how he was doing since I hadn’t heard from him the last couple of days.  No response.  My final text to him was, “Getting the feeling you don’t want to talk to me anymore and wondering, if that’s the case, why don’t you just come out and tell me that?”  No response.  Really?  Are we fucking adults here??  Are we forty-something year old grown people who should be able to tell another grown person that they no longer want to have contact with them??  What the hell does he think I’m going to do??  The stupidity of it just amazes me.  The best thing I could think of to call him today was “uber-douche”.  So, another one bites the dust.  But, maybe everything happens for a reason. . .

Now, let’s talk about “The Zen Master”.  How do you like that nickname??  Really, it just came to my mind because of the way this guy makes me feel.  The Zen Master and I have been communicating for awhile–first through messaging on the POF, and then he gave me his phone number so I could text him.  He is not a great texter though, which is fine, and I think he actually prefers to talk on the phone.  Which is totally fine with me, because The Zen Master’s voice is amazing–like buttah!!  I noticed this the first time we talked on the phone.  It’s music to my ears, and when I hear it, it’s like I am instantly calm.

Anyway, I was actually starting to think The Zen Master and I might never meet.  He had some family issues he was dealing with, and some projects he needed to finish up, and he kind of started slacking in the communication department a couple of weeks ago.  I was really missing our messaging through POF, because we would do questions back and forth, and I had started being really intrigued by this guy and his mind.  After a few days of no communication, I wrote him a message, and just came out and asked if he’d decided he wanted to stop talking, and to tell him that’s what I was assuming, unless he let me know any different.  He wrote back and told me no, that wasn’t the case, told me about the family stuff, etc. and that he hoped he hadn’t turned me off by that.  I was so intrigued I told him that he hadn’t, but to just keep me posted on what was going on.  Everything kind of fell by the wayside for a couple of weeks, during which time I had the date with “M”, and that kept me kind of occupied during the post date euphoria and consequential crash a few days later.

About a week and a half ago I texted him just to see how he, and his mom, were doing, and he replied everything was better and we would talk more during the week.  Well, we texted a bit off and on, and then he actually called me one evening and we chatted on the phone for about 15 or 20 minutes.  Buttah. . .dammit. .. that voice. . .like music, like a fucking siren song I tell you!!  We decided we would try to make a plan and meet sometime over the weekend.  Original plan was Saturday, but that ended up not working, so Sunday rolled around and we talked again.  He asked if he could just come by the house.  I know—big no-no.  I warned him that I could be some black widow, crazy woman who kills men and buries them in the basement, but I guess I didn’t scare him, so he came over.  He was very cool about it and stood at the door and made sure I was comfortable with him coming in, and I said I was, so he walked in and properly introduced himself and gave me the biggest, best hug ever!  Then he made himself at home on my couch and we chatted for awhile about what we’d done the day before, and the issue with my daughter, and numerous other things.  We were both feeling nappy and I told him like to take naps on my floatie in the pool, and he said, “let’s get in the pool!”  He had shorts in his truck, and I was totally game and ran upstairs and got my suit on.  WTH??  I just threw a swimming suit on my nowhere near to perfect body and hopped in the pool with this semi-stranger and I was totally relaxed and more comfortable than I would be around a lot of guys I’ve known for years???  Holy shit. . .something isn’t right.  So we floated, and we talked, and we talked, and we floated, and he touched . . . my hand, and my leg, and he always wanted eye contact with me, and held my hand a lot of the time so I wouldn’t float too far away from him.  He said he was perfectly relaxed, and I told him I felt perfectly content, and it scared the shit out of me.  Oh Zen Master, you scare me.  You truly scare the shit out of me. . .how do you make me feel perfectly content and exhilirated at the same time. . . what have you done to me??  Do you have this effect on all women?  You definitely need your own post, so we will continue this chat later and I will talk more about The Zen Master.  I will leave you with a song that I was listening to earlier, which also makes me very relaxed and peaceful. . .and let my thoughts right back to The Zen Master. . .





What is it he tastes like in that movie?  Orange tic-tacs?  That has absolutely nothing to do with this post.  What this post has to do with is teen pregnancy–me being the pregnant teen.  Well, being the pregnant teen 27 years ago.  First of all, if you’ve never been a parent, biological or otherwise, or never wanted children, you might not relate to this post at all.  But, it has to be written.  It has to be written because of what happened last night between me and my biological daughter.

Let me give you a little background, hopefully a short synopsis so you will kind of understand where I am coming from.  I got pregnant in high school, considered abortion but just couldn’t bring myself to do it, so after much soul-searching, decided to put my baby up for adoption.  There were many reasons I made this choice, but just a couple of them were the fact I was only 16 and still had two years of high school left and wanted to go to college, and the fact that it’s extremely difficult to raise a child with a two parent family, let alone being a single teenage mom.  I mean really, they have that dumbass program on MTV now about teen mothers, and most of those chicks don’t do so great at it.  Plus, I had seen a couple of girls from my high school try it, and it didn’t seem to work so well.  I also knew the last thing I ever wanted to do was to resent this little human I was carrying around inside of me.  And last but not least, money. . .where in the fuck was the money going to come from?

Let me just say, hands down, one of the hardest things I will ever have to do in my life.  I have lived through some other hard things, and they were a piece of cake compared to this.  You don’t realize the agony, the depth of soul pain, that went along with this decision.  The day she left the hospital was one of the worst days of my life thus far.  A piece of my soul left that day, and a couple of years ago I thought I might finally be getting it back.  Either that, or I was determined to finally get some closure on it.  It’s pretty hard to walk around with a piece of your soul missing for 24 years.  I know most of you haven’t done it, or maybe you have, just not in this sense.

She and I had very limited contact over the years.  I would send gifts for her birthdays after she turned 10, and receive letters from her mom updating me on how she was and what was going on in her life.  About 3 1/2 years ago, I decided it was time for some closure on the whole thing.  I knew I wanted to meet her and possibly have her be a part of my life, but Ihad no idea if she felt the same.  I sat down and wrote her a letter.  Yes, I put pen to paper and wrote an actual fucking letter.  I mailed it off to her mother and waited for a reply.  I didn’t get a letter in return, but I did get a Facebook friend request.  We chatted a bit, and coordinated a meeting.  Everything went great, saw her mom who really seems to be a kindred spirit, and even met her dad that day too.  It was all very casual and comfortable.  Was invited to her wedding a few months later, and the whole family went.  All seemed well, and we continued to keep in contact and see each other periodically.

Fast forward to 2012.  She came to see me yesterday.  We shopped, we dined, we got our shit-kickers on and went to the country bar for some beers and dancing.  We came home and ate a bite, and while sitting here discussing some things that were going on in her family, she got really pissed off at me.  I guess she felt like I was trying to say her parents didn’t know what they were doing regarding a situation with her brother.  That wasn’t what I was saying, but she didn’t understand that, and wouldn’t listen when I tried to explain to her.  So she threw all her shit in a bag, threw on her tennis shoes, and took off to drive 2 hours home at 3 in the morning. . . .oh, but not before she told me exactly what she thought of me.  Don’t you love how alcohol acts like truth serum?

Prepare yourself. . .I wasn’t prepared for it, and it was like a punch to the gut.  She told me I was irresponsible to get pregnant in the first place, and that along with that, I totally fucked her life up by sending her presents through the years, which confused her, and that I don’t really care about her, and that she never should have met me because it has just made everything worse for her.  Wow. . . .just wow. . . I was actually speechless for a short period of time, which almost never happens.  I tried to tell her some things about how I felt, but what’s the point.  She doesn’t get it, and I don’t know if she ever will.  I don’t know that she wants to get it.  She is so ungrateful.  Does she not understand that if I hadn’t been that irresponsible teenager, she wouldn’t be here?

I do know one thing.  I know I love her.  I have loved her since the day she was born, and even before.  She is my child, just like my son is my child.  But I will not stand for disrespect from my son, and I refuse to suffer it from my daughter.  I did the best I could at the time, and I am still doing the best I can.  But if my best isn’t good enough for her, I will have to let go.



Adventures in Dating (Part 1 of 2)

“iwantyourjuices”. . .”drivingfool”. . . “mrgdog”. . “PepeLepew”. . .”horny”. . .”platnumdikk” —Oh my god!  What am I getting myself into??  Do I really want to do this again?  I have never had much luck with it.  I converse with a few guys, and then never usually end up meeting them.  Do I want to put myself out there?  Yes, just do it, just look, see what’s out there.  Surely, some of these guys have to be decent.  You’re on here and you’re decent, so it only makes sense that some of them must be decent!

“I like movies cooking and making my own scented candles”—-Really??  You’re a guy and you like making your own scented candles?  You are going to have all the girls messaging you.  What do women, who like guys that make their own scented candles, look like??

“Hello, I am Bob. I am from (insert city here). I was wondering if you have a nice and smelly pair of feet that need massaging, kissing, and smelling? I also like to suck gently on the toes before slowly savoring my way upwards. If this appeals to your senses, let me know!!”—Totally grosses you out doesn’t it?  Makes you feel all kinds of skeevy?  Well, I guess unless you like having your toes sucked!  This people, is an actual message I received from a guy on the POF–which stands for Plenty of Fish, if you weren’t aware, or as I lovingly refer to it, Plenty of Freaks!

Let me tell you, the toe sucking thing?  Tame compared to some of the stuff I’ve gotten from 20-something year old guys!  They’re looking for cougars, wanting the hook-up, and I was just amazed.  Most of these guys were totally hot too!  What the hell do they want with me??  Experience, that’s what!  😉  Sorry about their luck, but I turned most of them down.  Except for this one really cute 29 year old.  He seemed like a really nice guy, and was kind of funny, so I met him, and we have hung out a couple of times.  I think 29 is lonely.  I get lonely too, so I understand.  Some days you just need a hug.

I told you I have had one date with Mr. M.  Right now I am not really sure where that stands.  I have texted him a couple of times over the last couple of days, but have heard nothing back from him.   I debate if I should just write him off, or if I should be patient.  I REALLY liked him!  He is funny, and we can talk about everything, and I feel like he accepts me just the way I am.  However, he doesn’t know everything about me, and I don’t know if he really wants to know me.  I say I debate writing him off, but I can’t.  I just can’t do it yet because I like him too much.  I will just wait and see what happens.  That does not mean I will not keep looking while I am waiting to see what happens.

Which led me to accepting a “meet for a drink” kind of thing with this other guy off the POF.  Which I would have gone to tonight, after work, but he cancelled on me.  Here is what he wrote me as his reason for cancelling, “But, I did see that other woman I was talking with on here again today and I really believe she and I have made a connection. While I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with a couple of near strangers having a drink together, somehow this doesn’t pass my “guilt test” and I know that if it’s something I really wouldn’t want to tell her about then it’s probably not something I should do.”  So first of all, kinda had to chuckle about this guy doing this, because this was just like something I would do!!  I tend to kind of put all my energy into one person before I even know if that person is worth any of my energy.  (I sooo would be doing this very same thing over Mr. M this very minute, if I wasn’t forcing myself to do the exact opposite of what I usually do!)  So, I told him that was fine, after messaging back and forth a couple of times I hadn’t been sure we had a whole in common, but I was willing to meet him.  However, I understood his not wanting to, and wished him luck with his new lady friend.  I also told him I appreciated him letting me know, instead of just not showing up, like so many other men might do!


I Can’t Make You Love Me

Yeah, I know it’s a Bonnie Raitt song, and a kick ass one at that, but, it’s also very true.  I want to fall in love, and I want to be in love, and I want a man to be in love with me.   I tend to make bad decisions when it comes to love. My brother tells me all the time my “picker” is broken because I don’t seem to choose very well.  And I can be impulsive about it, and quite impatient.  I guess it’s because I want it so badly.

Which leads me to telling you about how I got my jets cooled today.  I know,  strange expression, but it’s one of those things my dad has always told me, “cool your jets”, and it was the best euphemism I could come up with to explain how I felt.  It’s pretty close to having the wind knocked out of my sails, and it has made this day go agonizingly slow.

So over the last few days, soon after the “afterglow” wore off, I have kind of been feeling like this guy that I went on the date with on Sunday, let’s just call him Mr. M, has been really slowing down the communication.  Prior to the date, it was texting all the time, and questions back and forth, and fairly long answers.  After the date, it was not so much texting, and very short, sometimes one word answers.  So, the longer it went on, the more anxious I got.  And I got this feeling almost like I was bothering him when I would text him.  So, I cut back on the texts drastically during the day, and only texted in the evenings.  The evening texts were a bit short too, so I kept having that feeling like I was being a nuisance to him or something.  So, last night, I just came out and asked the question. . .I wanted to know if he had thought about our second date.  Yep, stepped in it.  I am guessing in the “rules of dating” guide, that this must be one of the big fuck-ups.  But how would I know, because I don’t date!!  And he didn’t text back, just long, awkward silence, so I texted him this morning to ask if I had said something wrong.  He said nope.  But, I didn’t stop there.  I went on to tell him that I didn’t know how this dating this is supposed to go, and that I’m not really sure what I am supposed to be doing at this point. . .yeah, I know, stupid!!  And I asked him if he could just tell me what he’s thinking.

So this is how he answered crazy (crazy being me!):  “Look. . . I liked you. .. we had a nice date. . .when I have time again. . .I would like to go out again. . .I’m busy this weekend and Sat of next. . beyond that. . .I don’t know what to tell you.  I’m in no hurry. . sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear”.

So I told him I appreciated his honesty, and I apologized for not having any patience, and I told him it was the best date I have ever had.  What I should have said was it’s the best date I’ve had so far. . .because it appears as though it won’t be my last.  Maybe it was the last one with him, and maybe it’s not, but either way I can’t rest on my laurels.  I can’t let the bastard get me down, and I have to keep believing there is a man out there just for me.  And I do have to have a little bit of patience.  Is it possible that just like anything else, dating takes practice??  That thought is quite depressing. . .   Sing it Bonnie, and I’ll really try to listen this time. . .

Crazy Bitch, Crazy Bitch, Crazy. . . Bitch

Yep, more than just lyrics to a song, it’s what I’m feeling like over here.  As I sit here over-analyzing absoutely everything now since the date.  I wasn’t doing this before, so why do I have to do this now??  Anyone??  Can you throw me a bone here and let me know why??  I am sure it has to do with the expectation thing, but for christ’s sake, how do I stop?  Sometimes that’s why I hate the texting thing, because you text, and it takes them forever to answer back, so you wonder why it’s taking so long, is it because they’re texting someone else, or are they just ignoring you, or. . . .see what did I tell you?  Crazy bitch!  I have been trying to not text him so much, but I want to talk to him, I want it to be just like it was before the date.  But it’s not going to be like it was before the date, because we have met, and that changes everything.  I can only hope that it changes things for the good.  I know I am obsessing over this whole thing, but this is one of the few outlets I have to get rid of these thoughts.  Can someone just take the fucking phone away from me??  Take it away Buck Cherry. . .

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