Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Archive for the month “November, 2012”

You Guys are Craptacular!!

I work in the construction industry, and a large number of my co-workers are men.  In fact, almost all of them are men.  Trust me, most of the time I have no problem with this, as men are much quicker to forgive than women, and don’t tend to be backstabbing, conniving whores who think you’re trying to steal their job/significant other.

The downfall of working mostly with men is the smell. The question at the forefront of my mind most days is, “Don’t you ever shit at home??” I swear these guys save their shit so they can do it at the office. I understand that every once in awhile you’re going to have to take one of those out of the ordinary kind of craps. You know, the ones that sneak up on you after you put the two taco lunch you had at the local Mexican eatery on top of the numerous beers you had the previous night while playing shuffleboard with the guys after work? But every day of the week??

Guys, is your gut built different than women’s? I don’t know about the other ladies out there, because most women don’t sit around and talk about poop like I obviously do, but I am a once a day kind of girl, and my preference is to do it before I get in the shower. Most women don’t even like to shit in public places, and will only do it as a last resort and if they’re seriously going to crap their pants before they make it home. It is clear, after studying male pooping habits, this is not the case with most men, and they do not share these “poop-phobias” with the fairer sex.

The guys at the office will sometimes spray to try to cover up the stench, and even leave the fan running as a kind of courtesy, but we work in a trailer, so it really doesn’t help much. The walls are paper thin in this place; you can hear them reeling the damn toilet paper off. When I hear this sound, I have a learned reaction now–I know I need to light the candle.

Maybe for Christmas this year I need to buy the guys kind of a group gift as a tribute to all the crap-tacular dumps they leave in that nasty ass bathroom of theirs.

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The Fucking Ice Queen

Some days are better than others.
What is it that weighs on me?
What is it that pursues me and
won’t let me be satisfied,
or happy,
or content. . .

You fuck,
you have been knocking at my door the last three days.
I don’t ask you in.
I never actually open the door,
but you are able to get in anyway–
through the keyhole, through the crack at the bottom,
like a winter wind come to chill me to the bone
and turn me into a fucking Ice Queen
who has no patience for the simple people
and their drivel
and bullshit.

Be gone with you stupid peasants!!
Lest I turn you into ice statues!

 

God has a Facebook page?

I just noticed on my Facebook ticker that a friend of mine “liked” God’s photo.  God has a Facebook page?  What the fuck?  Do you really expect me to believe God has internet service??  And a camera he takes pictures with and uploads them to Facebook so he can keep everyone apprised of the happenings in his life/death/ spiritual existence?  What the hell do you post as a status when you’re God?

I am certain that some people will read this post and think I am being blasphemous, but technically aren’t all the folks who are “liking” God’s Facebook page, and plastering bumper stickers all over their cars being more blasphemous?  You might also ask, what do I know about God?  A whole lot of nothing.  I have had my experiences with religion and spirituality, but consider myself to be agnostic at this point in my life.   But what does anyone really know about God?  Not much, but I sure as hell hope God has a sense of humor when it comes to this crazy shit!

I mean, really, how about the douche who started this Facebook page? ( You know it wasn’t really God, right?)  Someone was so full of themselves that they thought they could speak for God??  How pompous can you be?  I so don’t have to worry about being struck down for all the crazy ass stuff I’ve done in my life, if I’m standing next to this guy! Here’s how it would go down:

God: Oh, I know you Fat Bottom Girl! You’ve drank tons of liquor, and fornicated with a bunch of dudes out of wedlock, and you’ve cursed, and you’ve taken my name in vain, and you think I shouldn’t strike you down?

Fat Bottom Girl: (points to the guy standing next to her) Ummm, yeah, but this douche claimed he was you and made a Facebook page!

Bam! Douche is struck down, and I’m all good and move on to heaven! What? You think that’s a stretch??  Well, so is God having a fucking Facebook page!!

Lip Service

So did you do it?
Did you do what you said you were going to?
What you promised you would do?
I didn’t think so.
You can’t be counted on.
You’re just like all the others.
Oh, you don’t want me to classify you?
To lump you in with all the rest of them?
What the hell is so different about you?
You say you’re different, but all you’ve given me so far is
the same old shit.
Lip Service.
All I’ve gotten is
fucking lip service.
Don’t you realize your actions say all I need to hear?

Stranded At The Drive In

I got stood up for a blind date tonight. I guess he had a good reason; he got called in to work. I was unaware he worked in an on-call position. I found out about the time I was ready to head to the bar. I had never spoke to this man, it was set up by a friend of mine and her boyfriend.

Am I upset? Yes, but not because I was stood up. I am upset because I wasted a good make-up job, a good hairdo, and perfume. I was perfectly happy sitting at home today in my pajamas. Yes, all fucking day I sat around in my pajamas. I rarely do that, and it was quite enjoyable. I got out of those pajamas, and made myself look presentable for about 2 hours. Then I came home and washed the presentable off, because there was no meeting.

Is it so terrible that I don’t want to do this anymore? Don’t want to keep searching for the love of my life? Don’t want to keep being stood up for blind dates, or ignored and avoided after having a date? Is it so bad the I just want him to be here already, sitting beside me on the couch and sleeping in my bed?

I am so exhausted by all of it.

For Sure, Totally

I have no problem admitting it; I love the movie Valley Girl.  It’s one of my favorites because it’s totally tubular and bitchin’.  Okay, so it’s no wonder it didn’t win any awards, but Nic Cage looks freakin’ hot in this movie.  This was before he became creepy.

I am sitting here with color on my hair, watching it right now, as this morning I am still stuck in 80’s chick flick mode.  Here’s what gets me about this movie:

1.  The Soundtrack — You can’t go wrong with kick ass music like, “A Million Miles Away”, “Johnny Are You Queer”, “Eaten By the Monster of Love”, “She Talks in Stereo”, and the piece de resistance, “I Melt With You”.

2.  Nic Cage has his chest hair shaved in a pattern.  If he had as much hair on his head now, as he had on his chest then, he wouldn’t need abad  toupee.

3.  Classic movie lines:

Randy:  [to Julie after she dumps him] Well fuck you, for sure, like totally!

Fred Bailey:  Do you believe a girl should pet on the first date?
Girl: Who are you, Bozo the Clown?

Fred Bailey:  [warily surveying party food] What you got running here, a bait shop?
Suzi Brent: Like, it’s sushi, don’t you know?

Julie Richman:  Yeah, but Tommy can be such a dork, ya know? Like he’s got the bod, but his brains are bad news.

I could go on and on, because there’s just so many of them, but I need to wash this damn color out of my hair soon, so I need to finish up.

 

4.  The Click — The last, but most important reason I love this movie?  Is because of “the click”.

Some of you know exactly what I’m talking about, because you’ve experienced “the click”.  Julie and Randy experience “the click” in this movie, and that’s why I keep coming back to it.  I like to be reminded what “the click” feels like—“like I feel connected to you somehow. . .it’s like we’re linked”, and then he moves in for the kiss.  Yes, I have been lucky enough to experience “the click”, and more than once.  It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, I have a hard time walking away from it, just like Julie and Randy do.  I will chase “the click” to the ends of the earth, I will drop everything for it and drive hours to feel it, it’s like a drug and I can’t get enough of it.  I have never been able to walk away from “the click”, and I usually end up making an ass out of myself because of it.  “The click” is like a high, and I can’t get enough.

When was the last time you felt it?

There is Fun in DysFUNctional

I often wonder why I don’t have a boyfriend, because most days I think I am fairly fabulous.  Holiday time with my family makes me think all potential suitors must have seen video footage of the dysfunction, and this is the reason they all suddenly can’t return text message, phone calls, or emails.  I sat in the chair today, flipping through the waste of paper that is Black Friday circulars, imagining what it would be like if I brought a man to a holiday dinner, and what he would witness.

The meal began with us attempting to “give thanks”, everyone going around the table and saying a couple of things they are thankful for.  I tried to start this tradition a few years ago, because we really don’t have any traditions in our family, unless you call eating great food and getting slightly sloppy on cocktails a tradition.  The “thanksgiving” started out well, the junior niece saying “family and food”, and then my son, the comedic orator began. . . . .”Pants, I am thankful for pants, shouldn’t we all be thankful for pants?”  More than one person is an audience to him, so my brother shut him down; tradition denied!

The meal continued, my son continued talking on numerous subjects–weed being one of them, of which he knows absolutely nothing about, but thinks it’s quite funny to talk like a stoner.  I tell him for the umpteenth time to stop talking about something he knows nothing about.  Senior niece says, “My dad does, because my mom told me they did it together!”  I in turn have to cover my mouth with my hand to shield my laughter and not spit my “fauxtatoes” all over.  Meanwhile, junior niece is interjecting throughout all the chaotic conversation, “PIE”, but she’s saying it more like a southern belle, so it’s coming out “pah”.  I can’t help if I make the most kick ass apple “pah” for miles around and this is all she’s worrying about consuming.

As dinner comes to a close, my brother informs our mother that she needs to de-fur his back.  Yes, I just said de-fur.  My brother takes after my dad in that his head might lack for hair, but his back doesn’t.  However, he can’t reach to shave it, or use the damn depilatory, so he must enlist help.  (Every year when I blow out my birthday candles, I secretly wish for the perfect woman to come along for my brother to help him with his back grooming.)   So, before “pah”, my mother applies the stinky hair remover cream to my brother’s back.  Senior niece, junior niece, and my son are all there to watch.  They don’t want to miss a minute of it.  My brother informs my son he will probably inherit the back hair, and my son vehemently denies the possibility, but decides it’s a good time to inform everyone that he now has pubes, and might even know the possible number of how many pubes.  Senior niece seems to think everyone has pubes “down there” and under  your arm pits too.  Grandma goes on to inform her that, the reason they’re called “pubes”, is because it’s pubic hair, and for christ’s sake, doesn’t she know where the pubic region is??

Meanwhile, I am sitting in the other room, trying to choke down my faux pumpkin pie, that I have drowned in half a can of whipped cream because it tastes so shitty, knowing that I love the shit out of these people, and they make me laugh, sometimes to the point I almost piss myself.  Also knowing, that if some guy I bring home to this doesn’t think this shit is just as funny as I do, that we probably don’t stand a chance, and he might as well take his fucking turkey to go.

Happy Thanksgiving Bitches!

Are you all prepared to get your glutton on?  We have once again come to that special day of the year when it is not only acceptable, but quite encouraged, to indulge in gluttony!  Do you have your big pants on?  Are you prepared?  Turkey, ham, stuffing, pies. . . .they’re calling your name!  Fucking go big or go home!

My fat bottom girl butt is much smaller this year than it was last, thanks to my new low-carb lifestyle.  Sounds terribly boring, doesn’t it?  But, I will still be eating me some turkey, and some faux pumpkin pie, and trying to convince my mind that my twice-baked cauliflower is actually creamy mashed potato goodness.  I am also trying to come up with something really good to use to trump my brother in our favorite holiday game we like to call, “Let’s See Who Can Gross Out Mom the Fastest at the Dinner Table”.  Have you played before??  If not, try it out here, and hit me up with your contributions!!

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving Bitches!!!

 

Do they make a patch for that?

You’re worse than the cigarettes.
I gave them up 2 years ago,
But I still want one every day.
The thought crosses my mind for a fleeting second or two.
Not so much with you,
You’re more of a constant.
Like an addiction too,
But harder to get rid of.
Why you?
Why not someone who would be here?
Is my craving for you,
Or can I not deny the jones for unavailable men?
And if you were here?
Would you,
Could you,
Ever fulfill that deep-seated longing?
That bottomless pit
I always seem to be standing on the edge of.
There’s a convenience store down the block.
Maybe all I need is just one more,
Then I’ll be able to walk away.

Good To Be Bad – Adler

I listen to all kinds of music.  Music sings my life.  I can’t get by without it, and am unsure how I lived for so many years without Sirius radio.  One of the best things about Sirius, is the fact I get to hear a lot of new songs, and today it happened to be, “Good To Be Bad” by the band Adler.  The album doesn’t come out until November 26th, so unfortunately, I don’t have a link to share with you.  I am interested to see what the rest of this album is going to be like, but if this song is any indication, it’s going to rock!  Glad to know Adler has been doing much more productive things with his time these days, than just being a celebrity rehab experiment for Dr. Drew.

Adler, the new band led by former Guns N’ Roses drummer Steven Adler, has made its new single “Good To Be Bad” available on iTunes via New Ocean Media. The single features current Rob Zombie/former Marilyn Manson guitarist John 5 and is available at this location.

The debut album from Adler, ‘Back From The Dead’, will be released in North America on November 26 via New Ocean Media. The album is available for pre-order worldwide via Core Revolt at www.corerevolt.com/adler.

Recorded in Los Angeles with producer Jeff Pilson (Foreigner, Dokken) and mixed by Jay Ruston (Anthrax, Stone Sour), the CD consists of 11 tracks, ranging from adrenaline-pumping rockers (“Back From The Dead”, “Own Worst Enemy”, “Another Version Of The Truth”) to arena-rock anthems (“Good To Be Bad”, “Blown Away”) to powerful, heartfelt ballads (“Waterfall”, “Just Don’t Ask”). The album features a guest appearance by Adler’s former Guns N’ Roses bandmate Slash.

Adler is comprised of Steven Adler, frontman Jacob Bunton (Lynam, Mars Electric), guitarist Lonny Paul (Adler’s Appetite), and bassist Johnny Martin (Chelsea Smiles).

“The process of making this record was incredible,” states Bunton. “Our musical influences are all over the place and this record is a perfect reflection of everything that we love about rock ‘n’ roll.”

“I’m so proud of this record,” adds Adler. “This is the record I’ve been wanting to make for over 20 years and now I’ve finally found the band with the perfect chemistry to make it happen!”

‘Back From The Dead’ track listing:
01. Back From The Dead
02. Own Worst Enemy
03. Another Version Of The Truth
04. The One That You Hated
05. Good To Be Bad (featuring John 5)
06. Just Don’t Ask (featuring Slash)
07. Blown Away
08. Waterfall
09. Habit
10. Your Diamonds
11. Dead Wrong

Courtesy of www.sleazeroxx.com

 

 

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