Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Archive for the category “Awards & Shit”

Willy (Wonka) Envy

Look but don't touch!

You can look but you can’t touch!

I had to admit it to My Man.

Like Charlie standing outside the sweet shop without money to buy a Wonka Bar, I was envious.

My Man had gotten The Golden Ticket of blogging. He had been Freshly Pressed.

 

GOLDENTICKET

I think this is what it was like for My Man to get Freshly Pressed.

My Man was excited, and rightly so. This was something he had been striving for since beginning blogging.

I admire him, because unlike me, he actually has blogging goals. I just kind of post an eclectic mess, in an extremely random fashion, thinking that maybe one day I’ll hit some sort of blogging payola.

My Man on the other hand, strives for a certain number of subscribers and views, and usually posts a certain number of days a week. He’s dedicated to his craft.

I’m just hanging around like Veruca, screaming every once in awhile like a spoiled brat, and licking the damn wallpaper.

 

That means immediately!!

That means immediately!!

And not only did I have to admit to My Man that the little green monster of envy had bitten my fat bottom when he was FP’d, I also had to admit to being visited by that damn thing called jealousy.

You know why? My Man has groupies.

I mean with a blog like his it’s to be expected. Every naughty little Catholic school girl for miles flocks to worship at his altar, led there by the search term, “What would Jesus Christ do?”. Wait. Maybe it was the search term, “What would Johnny Cash do?”. I always get that mixed up.

But Man In Black groupies, or “Sisters” with bad habits, either way, they adore him. They want to prostrate themselves and profess their undying devotion to his particular brand of religion. They’re willing to flagellate themselves in order to wash his feet, and kiss his ring, and open their mouths for him to place his “communion wafers” so delicately on their salivating tongues.

Me, purple with jealousy, because of all the Mary Magdalene's standing around my man.

Me, purple with jealousy, because of all the Mary Magdalene’s in training, standing around my man.

Bless him, I think, as I make the sign of the cross while kicking bitches out of the way to get to him, My Man is understanding of my envy of his Freshly Pressed status. As writers we all want to be acknowledged in that Golden Ticket way, and he doesn’t think I’m a slimy Slugworth to admit my envy of that status.

The jealousy he gets, but tells me it is quite unnecessary, as I am the only fat bottom girl who will lick his lolly.

And I’ve learned, that regardless of the female masses who adore him, at the end of the day, and the beginning, and in the middle, he’s My Man. He’s my Everlasting Gobstopper. He’s the one who every day, makes me feel like I’ve stolen a sip of a Fizzy Lifting Drink and that I can achieve new heights just because he’s there holding my hand.

***This is written all in good fun, as My Man is quite aware I am extremely proud of him, and adore his wicked sense of humor, his sexy brain, and also the python in his pants. He’s very talented, and I only hope I will have the pleasure of riding his coattails, and maybe a part of his anatomy, into a life filled with fame and fortune! And he is always there, supporting my writing, and as my muse. Some day, hopefully we will collaborate on a writing project, because we’re a dynamic duo and will kick some literary ass!

63,113,852 Seconds

"Happy Birthday to Me!!" Photo Credit:  graphpaperpress.com

“Happy Birthday to Me!!”
Photo Credit: graphpaperpress.com

That’s 2 years in case you’re not a math geek. As you could probably tell, I am not even close to being a math geek. Geek, yes, but not in a mathy sort of way. Just the other day Word Press, in it’s “let me keep track of every little annoying milestone sort of way”, reminded me that I officially registered with them 2 years ago. Yes, thank you, I hear your little golf clap coming from the back of the room; thanks for the enthusiasm. To tell you the truth, I can’t get very enthusiastic about it myself, because when I look back on the last two years, it doesn’t seem as if I have come very far.

I started this blog not only because I enjoy writing, but also because I have found writing helps keep me sane. Those of you who read regularly know this hold on sanity is tenuous at best, but dammit I do try!! So, a cousin of mine had a blog, pointed me to Word Press, and another blogger was born! The beginning of my blog also happened to coincide with the ending of a relationship. Of course being my life, it wasn’t a simple parting of ways, but a Jerry Springeresque ending, with another of his “girlfriends” contacting me via text message to let me know I wasn’t the only one he had on the string. In hindsight, I knew something hadn’t been quite right with the relationship, or him, and after some research, concluded that he seemed to be a classic narcissist. Which, in itself, was a great relief to me, because I thought I was going crazy, but he was simply employing some very common gaslighting techniques. Just coincidence that his favorite band is The Gaslight Anthem? I think not!

I took to the blog with vengeance for the narcissist, and was met with some kindred souls who had also encountered some of the same kinds of slime bags. It made me feel so much better. Always makes a girl feel better to know that she’s not the only one who has been duped! After spewing the poison I needed to, in order to rid me of that relationship, I jumped back into the murky waters of the dating pool. I shared experiences about my disastrous dating life along the way, and last December started sharing about the latest in a long line of losers, The Fuck Stick. And you all know that ended badly!

Anyhoo, got me to thinking about the bullshit from men I have allowed myself to be subjected to over the last two years. And now I am asking myself, “What the fuck?” No, not just “What the fuck?”, but, “For the love of fucking fuck’s sake, what in the motherfucking bloody hell am I doing, for fuck??” Obviously, I am doing everything all wrong. Yes, even though these guys are big douche bags and fuck sticks, maybe I am attracting them because of. . . .ME. Yep, I said it. I think I have to change me. In order to attract the kind of guy I want, I am going to have to change some things about myself. I’m not saying drastic changes, not like my personality or anything, because we all know that totally rocks, but things like, not being so generous with someone who doesn’t deserve it, or not putting up with a man who isn’t respectful of me, or, not giving up the things I want to do in order just to hang out with a guy if he isn’t willing to do the same. Basically, stop setting aside my needs, and my happiness, for everyone else. What the fuck did you just say?? Yes, I said it. Gotta do it. It’s time to make ME, a priority in my life. Holy hell, I’ve got my work cut out for me. I hope you will continue to read as I try to cut this new path for myself.

Much love to all of you!! Now excuse me while I blow out some fucking candles.

Don of All Trades Does It Again!

I know, you’re saying to yourself, “Oh shit, what has Don done now??”.  Well, he won one of those damn award things, and has passed the thing on to me, amongst a few others.  It’s not that I’m not grateful, it’s just that I totally suck at passing these things on.  There are numerous blogs I try to keep up with, and many deserving of awards, but when it comes to all the pasting of links, and making up questions, I get lazy!  Actually, it’s more the fact I have a limited amount of time in each day, and I choose to get my whopping 5 hours of sleep as opposed to handing one hour over to typing up shit for a blog award.   I know, sounds quite superior and bitchy of me, doesn’t it?

Seriously, I do appreciate it so much when a fellow blogger passes on an award to me.  It’s nice to know that Don enjoys chuckling over my “relationship train wrecks” so much, that he felt I needed an award!  Words hurt Don.  I am officially teary-eyed over here now.  Just kidding.  I do kind of feel like punching you in the throat though.  Just kidding about that too.  If you haven’t checked out Don of All Trades, get your ass over there and do so!  Not only does he help keep the mean streets free of crime, (I think maybe he has a night gig as Batman) he is also one funny mother fucker, who every once in awhile will throw a story in that tugs at your heart strings and makes you tear up a bit.

Without further adieu, I will now answer the questions Don has asked of his nominees, because I know he’s dying to know more about what makes this Fat Bottom Girl’s milk shake bring all the boys to the yard!

So now here are 11 questions for my nominees:

  1. If you could introduce your husband or boyfriend to someone and had to tell his occupation during the introduction, what would you want that occupation to be?  That Magnum uses his penis to make the molds for their XL condoms.
  2. Pancakes or waffles?  Waffles all the way!!  Pancakes are fucking syrup suckers that piss me off!  There’s never enough syrup for a damn pancake, regardless how much syrup you put on there.  WTF?
  3. Favorite professional sports team?  Ummm. . . .no.  I have much better things to do with my time than to worry about shit like that.  I do know the Royals seem to be starting out the season rather well though. 
  4. City in the USA not named New York, Boston, LA, Dallas, Chicago or Miami that you’d like to visit?  Right now my list includes Austin, New Orleans, and Savannah. 
  5. Vacation time!  Where do you go if it can be anywhere?  Someplace with beaches and clear blue water.
  6. What’s a regret you have that sometimes eats at you?  That I pissed away my voice.  I loved singing, and was pretty good at it at one time, but just let it fall by the wayside.
  7. You can change one thing about your husband/boyfriend.  What is that thing?  It would be nice if he were more spontaneously affectionate.  He’s not very touchy-feely, and outside of the bedroom there’s limited physical contact besides a slap on the ass once in awhile.
  8. When’s the last time you were drunk?  Last weekend??  lol
  9. What would you do for a Klondike bar?  I think the better question is, what wouldn’t I do for a Klondike bar??
  10. If you could…if Jesus insisted that you murder one person, who would it be (I’m excluded please) –  The man who molested my daughter.  That was an easy choice.
  11. Best thing you’ve ever eaten?  I’m kind of a foodie, so I can’t answer this one without making a list a half mile long! 

It’s Getting Hot In Here

Ummm, yeah, that’s because I’ve just been roasted by some Beastie Boy looking motherfucker named Adam over at My Right to Bitch.  Well, for now that’s the name of his blog, but he is currently in transition.  No, not that kind of transition, but a transition to a softer, gentler, more pussy whipped, feel good, kind of blog.  It quite possibly is the result of his impending pregnancy, and all I can say is, take your folic acid and give up those damn cigarettes for the sake of that baby!!

On the serious side, I find Adam to be an extremely talented writer, and love going tit for tat with him.  He is a great supporter of my blog, and for that, I am forever grateful, and do feel truly blessed to have earned a spot in his roast.  Just for the record, I do find time to shave my shit, and even occasionally am able to hide my crazy, but usually only in public places.

Read on dear followers and feel the burn!!

The First Inaugural MRTB Roast

Dragon’s Loyalty Award

Dragon's Loyalty

 

I guess this must be my award season!  For the second time this week, I have been nominated for an award, this time by Kira, over at Wrestling Life.  She is a great supporter of my blog, and like me, seems to feel that poetry can be quite cathartic.  She also said some very kind words about her nominees, like that she has drawn strengths from their posts and their encouraging comments.  I always hope that something I write can help someone, either through laughter, or just by letting them know they aren’t alone.

I have to admit I am terrible at passing these things on though.  It’s not because there aren’t many deserving bloggers out there, it’s because I get lazy.  In general, I am not a lazy person.  However, when it comes to making that damn list, with all the links to the blogs, I just don’t want to do it because it takes too much time.  Piss poor excuse, huh?  But, that’s the reason.  Of course at some point, if I’m not feeling lazy, I can always pass the award on right?

With that said, it is still so nice to get the awards, and know that people are reading and appreciating my ramblings!  And in the spirit of the award, and just because I like lists in general, I will share the seven unknown facts about me.  Are you ready??

1.  I shave my arms.  It’s not that I am overly hairy, but I just don’t care for having body hair in general.  Weird??  lol

2.  My idea of dress shoes is a good pair of cowboy boots.  I will put on a dress every once in awhile, but I am more comfortable in boots and jeans.

3.  My favorite place to spend time is by the water.  There is something about water that soothes the savage beast in me.

4.  I have ADD.  I have tried medicine for it, but I really don’t like taking pills if I don’t have to, so I just try to deal with it the best I can.  I drive my mother crazy sometimes because I rarely finish one project without diving into another.

5.  I wish I had enough money to get a tummy tuck.  I think my tits still look pretty good, but it would be nice to have my tummy fixed after my recent weight loss.  Plus, if I did, I could fit into another size smaller jeans.  Feel badly for me and start taking up a collection, please.

6.  I believe laughter can cure pretty much everything.

7.  Even though I am a very competent swimmer, I have a fear of drowning.

 

*I reserve the right to pass this award on when I don’t feel so damn lazy.

 

 

You Are My Sunshine!

 

You Are My Sunshine!

Wow. . .I haven’t felt much like anyone’s sunshine after the week I have been through, but Kirsten, over at Kirsten H. Whyte, has so kindly bestowed the Sunshine Award Nomination on me.  I really, truly, can only hope that something I write might inspire–well, at least inspire laughter, in someone.  I honestly believe that laughter is the cure to all that ails society.  Over the last week, even though I have cried numerous tears, I have managed to have much laughter.  If you can’t laugh at yourself, then go to Walmart, and you will see plenty of shit to laugh about!!

I do have to tell you that I chose this particular picture to accompany this entry, because it looks like a sunflower, and I am a Kansas girl!!  However, the picture I really wanted to use, can be seen at Drawn2Life.  I couldn’t use hers, because I didn’t have permission, but it is her amazing watercolor interpretation.  Go check out her work, because it is beautiful and inspiring!

Now to answer my “sunshiney” questions from Kirsten!

 

  1. “The sun has got his hat on, hip-hip-hip-horray. The sun has got his hat on and he’s coming out today.” Did the sun come out for you today (either physically or metaphorically)?  It was kind of sunny here today, enough so to help me put on a happy face.  I LOVE the sun!!
  2. Do you wish that you could walk on the clouds?  When you’re looking out the window of an airplane at cruising altitude, it appears as though you could walk on the clouds, but I imagine it would be kind of like walking in one of those stupid blow-up things.
  3. When the Sun burns out, do you think that a) Humans will have evolved so that they don’t need the Sun, b) Humans will have invented a Sun substitute, or c) the world as we know it will shrivel and die?  I think if the sun burns out, the world should shrivel and die.  I know I wouldn’t want to be around to see the end to the sun.
  4. Have you seen the 2007 British science fiction adventure thriller film, Sunshine, directed by Danny Boyle?  No.  I am not much of a sci-fi fan.
  5. ‘Good Morning Sunshine!’ or ‘Grr, leave me alone until I’ve had coffee’?  During the week I am up before the sun, and most weekends too!!  I am a morning person!
  6. It’s an unexpectedly sunny day and you have the whole day to yourself, what do you do?  Work in the yard, or just lie around and bask in it, reading a book and drinking beer!
  7. The sun is always depicted in Children’s books with a smiley face. Do you think the sun is always happy and is he/she friends with the Man in the Moon?  It’s yin and yang, isn’t it?  Aren’t they just really two sides of the same coin??
  8. The sun always shines on TV, true or false?  False.
  9. Sun bathing – good or bad?  Good!!  I think it’s a must for people to be healthy!  You can over-do it though.
  10. Would you like to live somewhere where the sun always shines, 24 hours a day?  No, because I would have a difficult time shutting my body down.

I have to say, I don’t have the time right now to pass this award on.  I haven’t had a chance lately to really delve into the blogs I follow on a regular basis, or to check out new ones.  Hopefully, I will be able to bestow the nomination on some others real soon.  Thanks again Kirsten!!

 

 

I Never Win Nothin’

Liebster Blog Award

That just happened! Not sure how, or why, but Rob aka Radar O Nelson, (or is it O’Nelson and he’s a wee bit Irish??, or maybe the “O” stands for “as in the “O” face??), over at Seasons of Insanity, has nominated me for the Liebster Blog Award. I can’t remember how I stumbled across Rob’s blog, or he stumbled across mine, which in turn led me to his or what, because all of this shit is just like a big ‘ol blog orgy, and one leads to another, which leads to another, and in the end garners lots of mutual satisfaction. Either way, I want to thank “O-Face” Nelson, who took time out of his busy Zombie Apocalypse preparation schedule to nominate me for this award. I also want to thank you for being a downright pervy bastard who isn’t afraid to just throw shit out there, like the fact you’ve had a 3-some! Sshhh. . .did you hear that? That was dudes everywhere giving him a big fucking high-five for that shit! Seriously though, most of all I want to thank him for his service, and giving up 20 years of his life to serve our country. I am a proud supporter of our military, and get to spew my own personal brand of bullshit on this here internet because of guys just like you. Sending you much love my man. 🙂

Now, on to the task at hand and answering all these fucking questions and coming up with some clever new ones, as if I didn’t have enough shit to do with fucking Christmas only being a week away! Just kidding!! I can now sit here and have another cup of coffee instead of getting busy doing what I really need to, so this totally rocks!

These are the rules:

When you receive the award, you post 11 random facts about yourself and answer the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure you notify the blogger that you nominated them!)
You write up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
You are not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated your own blog!
You paste the award picture into your blog. (You can Google the image, there are plenty of them!)

Eleven Random Facts About Me:

1. I went to college on a vocal scholarship.
2. I love pork rinds. Even though some guys probably think it’s totally gross for a chick to eat pork rinds, I just fucking love them.
3. I once quit drinking for 13 years.
4. I worry I will be alone for the rest of my life.
5. I have a collection of milk glass and cream pitchers.
6. Even though they are not overly hairy or dark, I shave the hair on my arms and knuckles because it grosses me out.
7. Even though I wore braces for 2 1/2 painful years, when I got my wisdom teeth removed, the space between my two front teeth returned. This pisses me off.
8. I have slight hoarding tendencies paired with ADD and OCD. Yep, I am pretty much fucked. I tend to look like a hamster running around on a wheel most days.
9. I like to take old things and make them new again.
10. I miss talking on the phone to people.
11. I still believe in big love.

Radar’s Questions for me:

1. Where were you born? In a tar paper shack. No, not really. I was born in a hospital. . . in a small town. . .in Kansas. . .which shall remain anonymous to protect others.

2. What is your favorite place to visit? I never go anywhere really, so I couldn’t say, but my favorite place to “be”, is near the water, preferably the lake.

3. What is your favorite celebrity? Carol Burnett

4. What is your favorite holiday? Halloween

5. Have you traveled outside your own country of origin? Yes, my ex husband is in the Army, and we lived in Germany for 3 years.

6. What is your favorite color? Right now it seems to be turquoise, but that could change.

7. Do you like to dance? Love to dance!! My favorite type is country couples dancing, but will cut a rug to just about anything.

8. What is your favorite type of music? I can’t choose just one, because I love music too much.

9. What is your favorite band? One of my faves is AC/DC.

10. What is your favorite meal? Ribeye steak.

11. What is your favorite Christmas feast? Nothing traditional. I prefer doing steak or different types of soups.

So now I guess it’s my turn to spread the love around! Can I come up with 11 people to bestow this honor on?? I realize some of these people have probably been nominated for this award already, so if you have, forgive me, I guess you can toss it aside, or skip the questions, or just do whatever with it. Currently my blog roll is only so big, and I can’t even nominate the person who nominated me, so that cuts down on my choices too! So, without further adieu, I hereby nominate the following:

1. http://jasonwrites.com/

2. http://fromtimbertotide.com/

3. http://stealingpesosoutofmybrain.com/

4. http://excitementontheside.com/

5. http://righttobitch.com/

6. http://adlibb3d.wordpress.com/

7. http://betterlikeme.com/

8. http://bensbitterblog.wordpress.com/

9. http://mccrabass.wordpress.com/

10. http://truthaccordingtotom.wordpress.com/

11. http://35andonlinedating.wordpress.com/

I guess I am supposed to notify all of you that you have been nominated, so I will try to get to that sometime today. Here are your 11 really important questions:

1. How do you like your steaks cooked?

2. Favorite movie?

3. Do you recycle?

4. Do you read?

5. If you do read, do you still prefer the feel of a book in your hand, or have you gone “techno”??

6. One word for the reason why you blog.

7. Do you hang the toilet paper to roll over, or under? (Before you answer this, just know that if you hang it under, you are a total freak of nature.)

8. Favorite season?

9. Cats or dogs, or both?

10. When was the last time you did something nice for someone, with no expectation of return?

11. Do you believe in Karma?

There they are, in all their glory. Like I said, answer them, or don’t answer them. Pass them on or don’t pass them on. Cuss me or thank me. Just remember, I didn’t start this shit, I am merely being generous in this wonderful season of giving.

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