I lived in a walled fortress most of the time. . . with a moat. . .and a dragon. But no knights. My life doesn’t currently have, and has never had a knight, or a true partner. Mind you, I know knights don’t exist in anyone’s world except Walt Disney’s, and truth be told, after the shit relationships I’ve subjected myself to, I should probably come with a warning label.
If any man ever happens to express interest in me again, here is what I would want him to read on my label:
- I don’t trust you. Most likely I will probably never fully trust you. If I come to trust you, it will be because you’ve backed up your words by deeds.
- Don’t ever think scaring me is funny. It’s a trigger for me, and you might possibly be met with a slap to your face or a knee to the balls because I will feel as if I need to defend myself.
- No yelling. EVER. Yelling sets off an immediate panic attack in me, and then when the yelling is done, I immediately dissolve into a puddle of tears.
- PTSD. I have it, though I hate to admit it. There’s no shame in having it, but I constantly try to minimize the situations I was in and deny that I have it. It will rear its ugly head, and you will need to love me through it, or you will need to leave.
- Touch. I will need to sense your presence before you touch me, or I will be startled, even if you’ve never put your hands on me in anger. I can be a very affectionate person, but it will take a little time.
- Jealousy. Don’t get psycho jealous with me, because I’ve been there and I won’t do that again. It is possible I might experience some jealousy and read something into situations which are harmless because I’ve been cheated on numerous times and lied to too many times to count. See #1 for further clarification.
- Guilt. Because I’ve been told numerous times that everything that goes bad in an asshole’s life is my fault, I still have a hard time believing that it isn’t, so I will always feel like shit is my fault. I will always assume worst case scenario in every situation and will prepare myself for the blame, so don’t be an asshat–you own what’s yours, and I will own what’s mine, and we will forgive each other and move on.
I think this about covers the basics. If you’re still here and have an interest in understanding more about me, then maybe you give a shit and you’re interested in sticking around. If not, that’s cool too, and I get it. The rollercoaster isn’t for everyone.