Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Archive for the month “January, 2013”

Relationship Lessons – Volume I

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
―    Kahlil Gibran,    The Prophet

That Kahlil Gibran, he was one smart motherfucker.  Can I say that??  Is that really appropriate to say about a poet?  Probably not, but since when am I appropriate? I think this passage is the perfect bit of advice when it comes to relationships.  However, I have never really put it into practice.  I have said even people who are in love need time to themselves, but I have only paid it lip service.  After last night, and a chat with my “Knight on a Paint Horse”, it is time to actually do it.

See, it seems I had been doing the same thing I always do when I get into a new relationship–smothering.  I wanted to be with him all the time!  Yes, like all the fucking time.  I wanted to see him after work, and before work, and sleep in the same bed (yes, it has moved rather quickly), and spend all our time together on the weekends!  So I led, and he followed, until he couldn’t follow anymore, and he finally said something about it.   I took it well, because I know I do this.  Hell, I think I know why I do this; I am half a bucket full of crazy.  That’s not quite the reason, but it’s close.  I do it, so I can keep him close to me, because I have an extreme fear of losing him.  What??  Yep.  It’s true.  After being left more than once by a man, I seem to have packed up this nasty little bag with abandonment issues.

But what better way of making sure a man never abandons you for another woman, if you have him in your sights constantly?  Oh, wait, you don’t think that’s the way to keep a man?  You think it’s better to let him have his space?  You think I shouldn’t focus all my attention on him, and keep some of it on myself?  You think I need to keep a sense of myself, because a relationship will never work if I don’t remain true to who I am, and if he doesn’t do the same?  Do you think there should be spaces in our togetherness?  I agree.  Did I just say I agree?  Yep.  I do.  But I can’t say it any better than Kahlil Gibran said it, so read it again.  Then maybe read it again.



Travel Lessons

I have learned a few things from this trip.  I do like learning lessons, even if they’re painful at times.  Life is a journey and if we can’t learn things along the way, what is the point of it all?  Here are a few things I have learned on this trip:
1.  I have been reminded of why I dislike flying.  I am slightly claustrophobic, and have to be doing something on small planes in order to convince my mind I am not in an enclosed space, ass to elbow with a bunch of other people, who will practically trample you in an attempt to disembark first from the tiny tube.
2.  I like staying in hotels, but more than 3 nights is one night too many.  San Antonio River Walk is amazing, but a couple of days down there is more than plenty.  I know there are other things to do, but after forking over a year’s worth of savings for a hotel, I wasn’t interested in renting a car to drive anywhere.
3.  Hangovers suck regardleess of what state you’re in!  But in what other state could you go to a country bar, pay a $10 cover, and see a musician who has a hit song or two?? 
4.  My life is okay.  I bitch about it, but when I am away from it I miss all of it terribly.
5.  I don’t like traveling alone.  I want that constant man there with me, experiencing things and doing new things together. 
6.  Going away on a trip when in a new relationship is really hard.  I imagine it might be even harder for him than it is for me.  Of course I am speculating about this, since I haven’t spoke with him since yesterday morning.  It has been driving me crazy that he and I haven’t talked. 
7.  Always have an alternate plan.  Shit happens, and this trip didn’t really go as planned, but I ventured out on my own and had some good experiences. 
8.  Never forget to pack the ruby slippers!! 
All in all, it hasn’t been terrible.  I have spoke with a lot of nice people, seen some cool stuff, and learned some more things about myself.  I thought I knew myself pretty well, but I am certain after this trip, that I am bat shit crazy.

Hey Mind!! Go fuck yourself!

I miss you.  I haven’t talked to in 24 hours, and it is almost painful.  I am guessing there is a very good reason why you haven’t answered my calls, or returned my calls or my text messages.  At least I want to believe there is a good reason.  I keep telling myself you are a good man with morals and that you wouldn’t just leave me hanging.  Unfortunately, my mind gets away from me and twists and skews what truths I know.  I want to tell my mind to go fuck itself.  Fuck you mind for making me doubt him.  I will fly back tomorrow, I will drive home from the airport and I will go to his house, and everything will be fine, and he will tell me how he dropped his phone and it broke, and how he felt so bad because he knew I would be worried and freaking out. 

Texas Travels Installment #3

I am doing a mighty fine job of holding down my hotel bed today.  I am feeling like hammered dog shit today.  I got overserved in a Texas country bar last night.  It seems Texas country bars aren’t much different than Kansas country bars.  I am ready to be home.  I don’t want to travel alone again, because it’s not much fun.


I have been thinking I wanted to travel, to mark some things off my bucket list.  I thought this until I got hundreds of miles away from home.  Right now I feel lonely, miserable, almost sick to my stomach, because I only want to be home.  I am in a new relationship and all my old anxieties are surfacing.  Even though he has told me he will be there when I get home, I don’t believe it.  He hasn’t answered a call or a text message for the last five hours.  It is making me crazy.  I am allowing it to make me crazy.  I want to be able to soothe myself, and know that all is well.  How in the fuck do I do that??  I miss him.  I want to hear his voice.  I want him to make me laugh like he always does, then I will know everything is fine.  Why do I feel like I am testing myself?

Texas Travels Installment #2

San Antonio is like a whole different world compared to Kansas.  It’s amazing to me how you can get on a plane, fly a few hours, and be in a different place where it’s 40 degrees warmer.  It’s fun to visit the city, but I couldn’t live here.  At heart I am a small town girl, and think I actually would prefer living in the country a few miles from town.  Give me a porch, preferably with a swing, or a good rocker, and an unfettered view of the sunset.  Give me peace…with it comes piece of mind. 

Texas Travels

I am holed up in a hotel room in San Antonio right now.  This trip isn’t going to plan, but sometimes it’s better that way.  I am so exhausted I don’t know if I can work up the energy to get ready to go out and explore.  I am determined to have fun even though I miss my kid, my cowboy, and my house.  Daytime TV will drive a person to drink though, so I think I must go in search of other entertainment soon.


I am certain that you don’t want me to change…you like me just the way I am…you can relate to my kind of crazy…please help me remind myself that I only need to be exactly who I am…and you only need be who you are…maybe we both have met our match…wouldn’t that be lovely…

Knights on Paint Horses

I have been absent, exploring new possibilities.  I have been acting like I am 18 again and losing out on a lot of sleep. The reason is laying at the other end of my couch right now, feet in boots, propped on my coffee table, sleeping and snoring off and on.  He is country.  He is old-school and knows how to work hard.  He gets me, and we make each other laugh until our guts hurt and tears run out of our eyes.  He talks tough, and has been brave enough to get on the back of a bull, but speaking of his son, or his grandpa, almost never fails to bring a tear to his eye.  He drinks Bud Light like it’s water, but never raises his voice at me in anger.  He looks at me like he can’t believe he was lucky enough to meet me.  It was instantaneous.  The day before I met him I had told my mom and a friend of mine that the internet dating thing was making me sick, and that I needed a simple man who had some fucking morals.  There he was the very next night.  He didn’t ride a horse in, but he does own one. 

One Shakespearean Sentence

Me thinketh you doth drink too much
That you drown whatever needs drowning in numerous cans of Bud Light
Often until you slur the expletives pouring from your mouth

Jovial you are
Storyteller you hold my attention
You bring laughter to my life

You scare the shit out of me

Are you one big, walking red flag?

Should I turn and walk the other way for fear
You are just like him and one day the laughter
Will have turned to harsh words spoken on the breath of beer
Unable to control the disgust you feel for me
Because I am strong and you are weak

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