Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Archive for the month “February, 2014”

Migration of The Heart

geese

I hear them before I see them

A-hink-a-honk-a-hink-a-honk

I run outside and tilt my head back

searching the sky for them

I see their familiar V shape formation

I know where they are going

they are flying to you

I am instantly jealous

I want to be flying to you too

I want to bring you spring on my wings

My warm breath upon your face

My smile like sunshine to your eyes

so bright it makes you cup your hand over your brow to cut the glare

BAGGAGE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You didn’t know me before. . .

Before
life seemed to drive me to be jaded, untrusting, wary, fearful

Marked now
with scars and bruises
some evident
others not noticeable to the naked eye

So much history
packed away
stashed
concealed
camouflaged and ensconced
in the baggage I carry
(we all tote something)

suitcase
duffle
backpack
carpet bag
steamer trunk

If you were to say to me,
“Set them down babe,
the burden of what you carry could cause Atlas to collapse from exhaustion,
take each item out when you’re ready,
I’m here to help,
I’m not here to judge”

And if I actually find the courage
to take out the key
and turn that key in the lock
and throw open the lid
would you really stand there
while I release my own type of Pandora’s boxed goods

Because if you did. . . .

I might need you to hold my hand
take my elbow to steady me
on my feet
when my knees threaten to buckle
from the weight
of some of it as I lift it out

I may need you to dry my tears
and pull me close
and tell me you appreciate
all the things I’ve carried
because they’ve made me who I am today

I may need you to crack jokes
so that I may laugh
to purge myself of all the negativity
and misconceptions
I’ve pulled from inside these vessels of wounds

I may need you to love me

Welcome To The Big Top

Desperately, she wanted to know how much he cared, because at times, her insecurities drove her to doubt everything.

Patiently, as always,

He replied thus,

My dear, if the circus came to town, I would don tights and a cape and climb the ladder all the way up to the tiny platform where I would then walk the tightrope without a net just for you.

To which she replied,

My dear, there would be no need to fear a fall, as I would be there to catch you.

He replied thus,

My dear, I would climb inside the cage with a lion and stick my head inside the fierce beast’s jaws whilst holding a greasy double cheeseburger between my teeth!

To which she replied,

My dear, after you removed your head from the lion’s jaws I would wipe the beast’s slobber from your pate, and kiss you on it.

He replied thus,

My dear, I would recite dirty limericks and sing you bawdy love songs whilst riding a unicycle and juggling knives.

To which she replied,

My dear, if you happened to drop a knife and cut yourself after hitting a bump, I would doctor your wounds with Batman band-aids and balance the unicycle while you got back on for another go.

He replied thus,

My dear, as you sit in your special reserved front row seat with the velvet cushion, I would have a corn dog and a funnel cake delivered to you so you could snack on them while watching me put on this show for you, my biggest fan.

To which she replied,

My dear, I would clap and wolf-whistle and cheer loudly, because I will always be the president of your fan club, and will be the first in line to buy a ticket to any of your performances, and always hand you a Route 44 Cherry Limeade when you are done.

He replied thus,

So, my dear, if you don’t now know how much I care, I might as well tear down the big top.

To which she replied,

Don’t you dare! It’s clear you adore me and my quirky ways, as I adore you and your quirky ways, and we have years of performances ahead of us!

 

 

big top

Cozies for Nether Regions and an Item Which Makes it Look Like Your Head is Popping Out of One

It’s cold here. Not like “I need a cozy for my cock because I walk out the door and have icicles dangling from my balls and am sure I’ve been teleported to Canada” kind of cold, but fucking cold nonetheless.  Which by the way, if you do need a cozy for your cock, may I suggest a hand-knitted delight like this trouser snake special I found over on etsy. Sort of frightening, yet suggestive at the same time.

cozy

The seller does note the following in the description:  You will receive a random shaft colour combo in the standard 7.5″ unless you specify 2 colours/custom size in your Message To Seller. Do your cock a favor guys, and get out the ruler.  Do you really want your meat stick swimming around in this dick scarf because you lied and told the seller it was an 8 incher instead of the 5.25 inches that it is?

I think the cock and ball cozy is an amazing idea.  The turtleneck, on the other hand, not so much.  Seriously, whose fucking idea was this?  Did the fashion designers of the early 20th century get together and say to each other, “It’s Ice Age cold outside.  We need to design a shirt that comes all the way up the neck and feels like it’s garroting you.  You know, sort of like auto-erotic asphyxiation, but a lot less pleasurable.”

I’m certainly no fashion plate, and tend to stay far away from the catwalk, but I thought these things went out with the”OMG your thighs are going to rub together and start a forest fire” corduroy trousers with bell bottoms and clogs with wooden heels. Which by the way I miss terribly. The clogs, not the corduroy pants.

My suggestion?  Try a scarf.  Try a snood.  Try a micro-fleece neck warmer. Try anything but a turtleneck, because no matter how good you think it looks, it just doesn’t.  It makes your head look like it’s popping out of your mother’s vag on your birthday.  The last guy that looked good in a turtleneck?  Ron Burgundy.  And we all know you can’t look better than him, so just give it up.

ronburgundy

 

 

 

 

 

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