Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Archive for the tag “insecurities”

Life Goes On

You’re engaged, and my stomach didn’t drop to my knees when I found out.

I experienced a momentary twinge of jealousy that it wasn’t me, then I remembered you asking me to send you dirty videos last June, shortly after you and she had done the “grown-up” thing and announced your relationship on Facebook, and the jealousy flew out the window to be replaced with pity for her.

 

Pity, because you’ll do the same thing to her that you did to me, and all of the other women who came before us. Maybe, you’re already doing it to her.

Soon enough she won’t have all the strokes your ego needs.  Her arm will be tired from patting you on the back all the time.  Her throat will be sore from constantly having to tell you what a great guy you are.

So then you’ll go in search of someone else to fill you up because you’ve never learned to do it for yourself.

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Battle Weapons

sing me to sleep

your arms wrapped around me

 

kiss my cheek

my brow

as passionately as you kiss my lips

 

show me that hands are made for kindness

and words are meant to elevate

 

and maybe, just maybe

my sharp edges will be smoothed

I will lay down my weapons

 

and allow you a glimpse inside

 

before you turn tail and run

 

Hazardous Waste

Photo Credit:  nutracenter.com

Photo Credit: nutracenter.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

like a broken thermometer
so many tiny balls of poison(my insecurities)

scattering
rolling

hither and yon

hurry
gather them before anyone sees
the malignancy
dividing
growing

it seems impossible to contain them
just when I think I’ve got them all gathered
the pieces shatter

into more pieces

the number seems. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . infinite. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

hurry

run and fetch the eyedropper
to suck up the toxic little balls
before they infiltrate
what’s good

sprinkle the sulfur and contain
every minute trace of the
contamination

seal them all up in a bag

dispose of them

properly

like the hazardous waste
that they are

BAGGAGE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You didn’t know me before. . .

Before
life seemed to drive me to be jaded, untrusting, wary, fearful

Marked now
with scars and bruises
some evident
others not noticeable to the naked eye

So much history
packed away
stashed
concealed
camouflaged and ensconced
in the baggage I carry
(we all tote something)

suitcase
duffle
backpack
carpet bag
steamer trunk

If you were to say to me,
“Set them down babe,
the burden of what you carry could cause Atlas to collapse from exhaustion,
take each item out when you’re ready,
I’m here to help,
I’m not here to judge”

And if I actually find the courage
to take out the key
and turn that key in the lock
and throw open the lid
would you really stand there
while I release my own type of Pandora’s boxed goods

Because if you did. . . .

I might need you to hold my hand
take my elbow to steady me
on my feet
when my knees threaten to buckle
from the weight
of some of it as I lift it out

I may need you to dry my tears
and pull me close
and tell me you appreciate
all the things I’ve carried
because they’ve made me who I am today

I may need you to crack jokes
so that I may laugh
to purge myself of all the negativity
and misconceptions
I’ve pulled from inside these vessels of wounds

I may need you to love me

Welcome To The Big Top

Desperately, she wanted to know how much he cared, because at times, her insecurities drove her to doubt everything.

Patiently, as always,

He replied thus,

My dear, if the circus came to town, I would don tights and a cape and climb the ladder all the way up to the tiny platform where I would then walk the tightrope without a net just for you.

To which she replied,

My dear, there would be no need to fear a fall, as I would be there to catch you.

He replied thus,

My dear, I would climb inside the cage with a lion and stick my head inside the fierce beast’s jaws whilst holding a greasy double cheeseburger between my teeth!

To which she replied,

My dear, after you removed your head from the lion’s jaws I would wipe the beast’s slobber from your pate, and kiss you on it.

He replied thus,

My dear, I would recite dirty limericks and sing you bawdy love songs whilst riding a unicycle and juggling knives.

To which she replied,

My dear, if you happened to drop a knife and cut yourself after hitting a bump, I would doctor your wounds with Batman band-aids and balance the unicycle while you got back on for another go.

He replied thus,

My dear, as you sit in your special reserved front row seat with the velvet cushion, I would have a corn dog and a funnel cake delivered to you so you could snack on them while watching me put on this show for you, my biggest fan.

To which she replied,

My dear, I would clap and wolf-whistle and cheer loudly, because I will always be the president of your fan club, and will be the first in line to buy a ticket to any of your performances, and always hand you a Route 44 Cherry Limeade when you are done.

He replied thus,

So, my dear, if you don’t now know how much I care, I might as well tear down the big top.

To which she replied,

Don’t you dare! It’s clear you adore me and my quirky ways, as I adore you and your quirky ways, and we have years of performances ahead of us!

 

 

big top

Hard to Handle

Yes, I am.  That title is relevant to my update this evening.  Remember the man I wrote about last night?  And about him cutting off contact with me?  Well, today I decided I would text him again.  I hadn’t called, or texted, since my phone call yesterday morning when I left the message asking him to please just be honest with me.  So this morning, right before lunch, I thought I would send a text, and keep it light and humorous.  I find myself quite humorous, and it’s altogether possible he might find me humorous too.  Here’s how it went:

Me:  Is it because I like disco??  I know that turns a lot of guys off, but I can’t help myself. . .when a good disco song comes on I just have to dance!  🙂 (Smiley for good measure, right?)  I tried to keep it a secret for the longest time, but just couldn’t!  LOL

Him:  It’s because you freaked me out.  😦

Me:  (after about an hour, because I went to lunch and didn’t realize he texted, and plus I wanted to be sure what I was going to text back) Would you be willing to give me a second chance?

Him:  (after about 29 agonizingly long minutes)  Maybe.  I’m sorry I stopped talking to you.

Me:  I have missed talking to you, and I am sorry you felt the need to stop talking to me.  I know I can be intense sometimes. . .I think the Black Crowes wrote that song, Hard to Handle, about me.  LOL  (I know it’s a guy singing, but I am still hard to handle dammit!)

Him:  🙂

We exchanged some more text messages after that, I asked how he’d been, we talked about working out, you know, basics.  I wanted to keep it kind of light.  He told me he was going to try to catch some sleep, and I told him to sleep well and that was the end of the conversation.

I know some of you might wonder why I would ask for a second chance.  The only thing I can say is that I really think this guy is different.  He tells me he’s different, and he truly seems to be different.  This means I need to be different too.  I don’t mean that I need to be a different person, I just mean that I need to be different in the sense that I have to back off.  I have to stop being so intense right up front.  It was like someone had flipped a switch in my head, and I just started pouring it on.

While discussing this yesterday with a friend of mine, she said, “You’re pushing him away.”  WTF?  Whatchoo talkin’ bout Willis??  I said, “What do you mean I’m pushing him away?”  “You’re pushing him away with all your insecurities.”  she said.  Wow, that was a pretty smart thing for a 29 year old to say.  So I thought about it, and she was right.  My fear of losing someone I thought of as wonderful, and a potential partner, led me to push things too quickly, and basically throw myself at him by driving over three hours to meet him while he’s staying in a motel, away from home for work.  My fear manifested, set off a chain of fear, because then he got fearful, also known as “freaked”, and he began to pull away.  I push. . . .he pulls.

It’s like I’m screaming at him. . .”See me??  See how wonderful I am??  I am going to show you how wonderful I am and drive over 3 hours to meet you for the first time when you’re stuck in a motel away from home!!  I don’t care if you don’t know what your schedule is, or how long you’re going to be there, I want to come see you!!  Don’t you want me to come??””

And he’s sitting over there in his chair going. . . “Ummm. . . how do I say this without hurting your feelings?  No, I don’t think it’s a good idea if you drive 3 hours to come see me crazy lady who I’ve never met before!!  I don’t really trust you yet, and even though I like you, and find you interesting, and want to meet you at some point, that point is NOT today, so why don’t you just back the hell off??”

And then I stop screaming and I’m like. . .”Ok, I understand, because you do seem to be wiser and kinder than the average man I come across, and okay, I can get a little out of control, but please understand me, and men have treated me badly, and please be honest with me, and be understanding of where I’ve come from, and. . . ”  on and on and on ad nauseum.  Truly, it makes me sick when I think about what I told him on the phone that night.  No wonder the poor guy didn’t want to talk to me!

But maybe. . . .I think I can work with maybe.  Maybe he already likes me enough to continue communicating until we can meet at some point.  Maybe I can keep it together this time and not let my insecurities come flying out.  Maybe he really is the great guy he seems to be.  Maybe with time and patience, I will find out all I need to know.

Oh yeah, this song totally rocks too, so have a listen!!

 

 

I’m impulsive, reckless. . .

Remember when I said I didn’t want to write about the new guy I had been communicating with because I was afraid I would jinx it? Well, I guess I should have just wrote away, because I think it might be over before it’s even begun!  I have absolutely no clue what happened.  Which, is quite surprising considering how much time I’ve been giving the whole subject over the last two days!

I am going to try and recap this whole thing as quickly as possible, so here goes. . . .I message him, because in his main profile pic he is dressed up like a clown, and I wonder what kind of guy this is, and think that he must be fun if he is willing to do this, and I am so tired of the same old douche bag guys on the Plenty of Freaks website. . . he almost immediately messages me back and we message back and forth for the better part of a day and a half, then he gives me his number, and says I can call if I would like. . .I loved the fact that he said to call him, and offered me his number, because I wasn’t planning on offering him mine. . .I don’t call him right away though, but I do text, and we text for another half of the day, and before he goes to get on the train—this is his job right now—he calls to let me know that he has to have his phone off while he’s on the train, and he just wanted to let me know so I wouldn’t think he was ignoring my texts. . . so what do I think??  well, of course I think–how fucking sweet is that??  Can’t remember the last time a guy was so courteous, and I literally about shit my pants because the guy has done this. . . .yes, I have been with some real loser men who weren’t very considerate. . . so that night, I go to bed wondering about this guy. . .we had really seemed to hit it off, and he actually calls to tell me this. . .maybe this might be something good, even though I know the odds aren’t in my favor. . .he gets on the train, I go to bed, and wake up to text messages in the morning. . .he can’t sleep, so we text while I am getting ready for work, and then we email during the day also. . . .he sends me a couple more pics, and then we talk on the phone again on my drive home from work. . . .he tells me there’s something he wants me to know–that he’s got PTSD(he is retired military and has been to Iraq more than once and numerous other places), but he says he wants to assure me that he is not violent, and that he doesn’t have anger outbursts, that it only affects his sleep. . . I am truly not surprised by what he has shared, and we discuss it a little more and move on, we talk about the fact he is separated, and not divorced yet, we talk about his kids, we talk, and we talk, and we talk, until he has to get on the train again. ..he sends a message in the middle of his train journey, and then I don’t hear from him again until nearly 4 the next afternoon, when he gets up and says he has slept almost that whole time, which doesn’t surpise me, because he takes medication to help him sleep, and he hadn’t slept well the day before…his schedule is not exactly conducive to developing a good sleep pattern, but he also seems to need a job that’s somewhat exciting after all the stuff he has done in the military–I think this is probably pretty common, especially with guys who have been in a lot of combat, or very stressful situations. . . .we talk and text on Friday night while he is at supper and having a couple beers with the railroad guys, we talk when he gets back to him room, we go to sleep, and I text him when I wake up, he replies, and then texts again while they’re waiting outside to get into the station, once he’s in, he calls and we talk while I drive a little over an hour. . .I am visiting friends, and he is going to watch football, and says he will be really focused on that, but then he starts to text me again. . .wants to know if I’m sure I don’t want to come see him since he is going to be in a little longer than he thought, I tell him I can’t, thought I want to. . .next day he is stuck in his “away” town, and thinks he will be there until Monday, so I tell him I am driving out there to meet him. . .this sort of freaks him out, and he wonders why I would drive 3 hours out there to meet him, because he says I don’t know him that well, etc, reminding me he is a former MP, and that I should be more careful. . . I tell him I am a smart girl, and am not planning on putting myself in a dangerous situation, and he says he would be more comfortable if I didn’t come, and would rather I wait, and he will drive to where I live to see me within the coming week. . .I agree this is probably more logical, we talk my entire trip home, about 1 1/2 hours, and everything seems fine, he keeps saying he’s sorry he told me not to come, and that he didn’t want to upset me, and I tell him to stop apologizing, because I appreciate the truth. . .I feel ridiculous about even considering it, but know that I totally would’ve done it, and he says he’s not like other guys in that respect, and I tell him that’s fine, because I’m pretty tired of the way most guys seem to think and operate, and I appreciate the fact he kind of put the brakes on the whole thing. . .we each go work out, and he grabs something to eat, and then I text him later to tell him something. . since he’s back in his room I ask if I can call him before he goes to sleep, and he says of course. . we end up talking for another hour, I tell him maybe too much stuff, about how I am guy-shy about men, and untrusting, and I even admit he is the only man I am talking to right now, because I want to see where this goes, and he says he understands. . .I am a little emotional, overtired, and should’ve shut my mouth, but it was already said, he tells me he totally understands, we say good night. . .I go to sleep that night not knowing when he will get back to his “home”, but I text him in the morning, get no reply. . . I text him a couple hours later asking if he is stuck “away”, and he says that he got home almost an hour before, and is going to the gym and going to get some sleep. . .I call since I want to talk to him before he goes to sleep, he seems a little rushed, and the next thing I hear some guy talking to him and he tells me he needs to go because his neighbor wants to talk to him. . .I text him later that evening around 8 asking if he is still sleeping. . when I get up the next morning he has returned my text about 10:20, saying, “not anymore, just got called for work”. . .that is the last time I have heard from him. . . yes I have texted a couple of times, yes I have tried to call a couple of times. . .this morning I called and actually left a message just asking what was going on. . .I told him I am quite confused by this, thought we had hit it off really well, and that I hoped he can be honest with me and let me know what’s going on. . . I don’t tell him that I am crushed, I don’t tell him that being the foolish dreamer and silly heart that I am I have cried. . .oh yes, I have cried. . .I know, stupid, huh?  I have only known him a few days, and have never even met him in person, but it was just one of those things. . . I just knew it when we started talking that there was something there. . .one of those connections that only come along once in a great while. . . I thought it was going to be really good, and he seemed to reciprocate that with what he was saying, and now just. . . nothing. . . fucking nothing. . .and I don’t know how many more times I can do this. . .how many more times I can pick myself up. . .I usually keep that wall up, but I let it down and let him too close, and when I let him in, all my insecurities came flooding out. . .I am such a fool. . .have I pushed him away with my impulsivity, and recklessness and insecurities?? . . .

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