Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Archive for the tag “cheating”

Peggy Gets a New Kelvinator

fridge.jpg

 

If that son-of-a-bitch thinks he can buy me off with a new refrigerator, he’s got another think coming.  I know he’s been doing the hanky panky with his secretary because he comes home every night smelling faintly of Shalimar, which I’m sure he bought her, and “Love That Red” lipstick on his collar, which I don’t wear, because that’s only for whores. That cad will get his tonight when I serve him up a little bit of rat poison in his pre-dinner martini, while I’m putting the finishing fluorishes on that new Wieneroni Casserole I’ve loaded down with strychnine.  That asshole will never know what hit him.

Life Goes On

You’re engaged, and my stomach didn’t drop to my knees when I found out.

I experienced a momentary twinge of jealousy that it wasn’t me, then I remembered you asking me to send you dirty videos last June, shortly after you and she had done the “grown-up” thing and announced your relationship on Facebook, and the jealousy flew out the window to be replaced with pity for her.

 

Pity, because you’ll do the same thing to her that you did to me, and all of the other women who came before us. Maybe, you’re already doing it to her.

Soon enough she won’t have all the strokes your ego needs.  Her arm will be tired from patting you on the back all the time.  Her throat will be sore from constantly having to tell you what a great guy you are.

So then you’ll go in search of someone else to fill you up because you’ve never learned to do it for yourself.

Turkey With a Side of Adultery

Holidays aren’t just for shaving my brother’s back, they’re also for catching up on hometown gossip. I come from a fairly small town of about 4,000 people, so I am always interested in what’s going on back home in “Peyton Place”. This year, the turkey wasn’t the only juicy tidbit I got. My brother informed me that the married elementary school secretary has been getting busy after hours with a male teacher’s aide. . . . on the principal’s desk!!! WTF?? Hey dumbass, you work in the school, and you aren’t aware there are video cameras all over the place? Whatever happened to kickin’ it old school and driving out into the country and humping in the back seat of your car? An elementary school has to be about one of the un-sexiest places I could think of.

The other story involved a married doctor who went home and professed his love for the married neighbor lady, to his wife. The interesting part of this story being that he told his wife he was leaving her for said married neighbor lady, but wanted to know if it didn’t work out with him and his new love, if he could come back. I can only hope her reply was, “Not only no, but fuck no!”.

Here’s what bothers me about this–it makes me feel like there’s no hope. If at some point I would manage to get a man, is he just going to cheat on me? My ex-husband cheated. I have had more than one boyfriend who has cheated. Could I even hope to have a relationship with a man who would be faithful? Maybe that’s the reason I’m still single.

Cheater, Cheater. . .Where’d you meet her?

“You know her, she’s my biographer.”  

Way to go General.  I think you’re a very intelligent man, but you were obviously thinking with the “Little Colonel” when it came to this decision.  Had to go and pick some bitch who started sending nasty emails to some other chick who she thought might be trying to edge in on her territory.  Oh, but wait!  There was another General taking care of that business already.  This whole thing comes off looking like a damn soap opera.  I do have to give kudos to Petraeus for just coming clean.  Hell, even Bill Clinton didn’t have the balls to do that!  I have always said I would have more respect for Bill if he would have just fessed up and told everyone he did the nasty with Monica.  Instead, he denied it, we had to hear about the stain on the dress, and on and on, ad nauseum until I couldn’t hardly take it anymore.

The topic of cheating is just so ripe for discussion.  If you read my blog on a regular basis, you know I have been cheated on.  I was cheated on by my ex-husband with one of my ex-best friends of almost 20 years, and I have been cheated on by my last two boyfriends also.  Sometimes I wonder if there’s something about me that just makes guys want to cheat on me.  Oh, bullshit!  I know there isn’t, but it does seem awful strange doesn’t it??

Here’s the deal, and many of you might not agree with this, but I don’t think wives are always just victims in this whole thing.  Yes, I do think there are men out there who are truly, just low-down, dirty, lying, sack-of-shit guys who only want to have their cake and fuck it too, but I think those guys are few and far between. I think in general, people do not set out to cheat.  I think the field has to be fertile in order for it to occur.  The conditions have to be just right.

Soon after my divorce, I figured out I had contributed to my ex-husband’s affair.  Did I tell him to do it?  Ummm. . .no, but I certainly didn’t do anything to prevent it from happening.  Our relationship was shit.  Our communication skills were almost non-existent at that point, our sex life was in the toilet, we didn’t even enjoy each other’s company, and could barely manage to be civil to each other at that point.  In fact, I’m not even sure why we were still married, except that we were both stubborn and didn’t want to admit to ourselves, or each other, that it wasn’t working.

Enter the “best friend”.  Here’s my shoulder, cry on it, tell me what a bitch she is, I’ll be so fucking understanding and tell you how wonderful you are.  Let me rub your penis for you.  Okay, so maybe not that last part, but you know that sex was part of it.  Basically, she was giving him something at that point that I couldn’t give him.  Trust me, it wasn’t intelligent conversation, because she doesn’t have much of it, but I’m guessing whatever it was, it gave him a big ‘ol ego boost.  So then it moved on to him thinking he needed to get rid of me–pregnant with his first child me–and marry her.  So he did.  I forgave him at some point, after I stopped being fucking furious with him for being a dumbass douche bag, but I still haven’t forgiven her.  I will never forgive her.  Do I hate her?  No, because she is not worth that emotion.  I am apathetic towards her–which contains the word pathetic, which I believe she is.  You don’t fuck over your friends.

I think I might have strayed from my point though.  I was watching Oprah one day about six months after my divorce was final, and the topic was infidelity.  She said something that continues to resonate with me to this day.  She said, “If the door isn’t open, no one is able to walk through it.”  Meaning, if you have a strong relationship, if your relationship with your spouse is good and healthy and functioning, neither one of you is interested in fucking that up, so no one else can come between you and your spouse/partner.  Why the fuck didn’t I think of that?  It makes perfect sense when you think about it that way doesn’t it?  It takes two to make a marriage, and it takes two to break it.  Now that doesn’t mean he needed to be sticking his dick into some other chick, but I guess he thought that was necessary.

Really, the grown-up thing to do would’ve been to come to me and tell me he didn’t love me anymore and he wanted a divorce.  But people, especially adults, don’t always do grown-up kinds of things when it comes to love and sex.  We are human and we make mistakes, and we pick wrong, and we hurt people we vowed to love until death us do part.  So right now these two very powerful men,  are being publicly humiliated for making extremely poor choices.  I guess it just goes to show that no matter how much rank, or money, or power you have, one wrong decision made for a moment of passion, can devastate a marriage, a career, an entire lifetime.

Life in general is messy, and the general(s), seems to be in a bit of a mess right now.

 

 

(I definitely encourage comments on this topic, because I can debate this sort of thing all day!  🙂 )

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