Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Archive for the tag “divorce”

Newton’s Law

yesgraffiti

She knew as the word was forming in her throat, at the exhale of the breath that carried the sound, as it passed her lips, that it was the wrong thing to say. She had said yes.

She had told him yes, and it made her feel just a little bit sick to her stomach. Why had she said yes? She knew she didn’t love him that way; not in the way you should love someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, so why would she tell him yes?

It wasn’t fair to tell him yes and not mean it. It set things in motion.  What external forces were going to stop what that word had set in motion?

That yes led to another yes and another and another. Until she no longer knew how to say anything else. It’s not that she didn’t want to. She wanted to scream “NO!” at the top of her lungs and stop the stream, but her throat had grown so accustomed to saying yes, she couldn’t form an “n”.

So she started small. She changed the tone of how she said yes. She changed the inflection of how she said yes. She changed the pitch of how she said yes. And he noticed. And he didn’t like it.

Then she stopped saying it so regularly. One less yes per day and before she knew it, she was down to one final yes. She saved that yes, just in case she needed it some day.

And finally the time came when he said to her, “I don’t love you anymore, and I don’t think you ever really loved me like I loved you. I want to be free to find another who will love me like I deserve to be loved, and you can be free to find that too. Will you give me a divorce?”

And she said yes. And this time, she really meant it.

*This was written in response to a post I read the other day on The Things I See Up Here, regarding The Yes Movement. It got me thinking about all the times I have said yes in my life, and all the things that simple word sets in motion.  I wish I could’ve come up with a really uplifting, positive yes story, but the first thing that came to my mind was a time when I had said yes and didn’t really mean yes. Such a double-sided coin is yes, that it reminds of some of my favorite Rush Lyrics, “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice”.  In other words, if you don’t say yes, then in essence you are saying no.

Yes can be scary as hell sometimes.  Yes means taking a risk and jumping without a safety net.   Yes can be exhilarating. You never know how yes is going to wind up, or where yes might take you. Yes may turn out to be a very valuable lesson, or yes may be the love of your life.  I am saying yes a lot more these days; yes to my happiness, and yes to knowing I deserve good stuff in my life.  What do you want to say yes to?  Just say yes, and set some things in motion in your life!

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Practicing Acceptance

After 12 years I feel as if I have failed you.  I’m not claiming I was always the best mother, but I am the mother who will always love you the best, and love you the most.  But I feel like I have failed you.  I always thought I would be able to create another family for you.  I had hoped to do that–to meet a really great guy who was really good for both of us, one that would love you like you were his own.  One that would love you simply because you are a part of me, because that would be how much he loves me, and because he would know how much I love you.  But I didn’t do that, so I failed you.  After the third time, your dad finally got it right, and now you have a really great step-mom.  She doesn’t try to be your mom and replace me, but she is just a natural nurturer, and she’s good to you.  You like that family atmosphere that your dad’s marriage gives you, and I don’t blame you.  That’s all I ever wanted after my parents divorced.  I just wanted that family again; to be a part of something.  I wanted to get married, and have kids, at least a couple, and have that family.  But that didn’t happen.  The dream was nothing like the reality, and it was over before it started.  I feel like I can’t give you what you feel like you need right now, and that breaks my heart.  Up until now I haven’t ever felt that way.  I felt like the way things were was good enough.  I still felt like I was doing a good enough job, and that I was giving you everything you needed.  I don’t feel that way now.  Someday, you will understand why that breaks my heart.  Why every time I let the reality of you not being here slip into my waking brain, that it is physically painful for me.  Do you know what the worst part is?  I know that I have to learn to be okay with it.  I have to learn to accept it, or it will kill me.  And it won’t kill me quickly.  Doing what is right, and doing what is best, are usually some of the hardest things you will ever have to do in life, and in time you will come to realize this.  I just want you to know this is one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and it’s because I love you so much.

Cheater, Cheater. . .Where’d you meet her?

“You know her, she’s my biographer.”  

Way to go General.  I think you’re a very intelligent man, but you were obviously thinking with the “Little Colonel” when it came to this decision.  Had to go and pick some bitch who started sending nasty emails to some other chick who she thought might be trying to edge in on her territory.  Oh, but wait!  There was another General taking care of that business already.  This whole thing comes off looking like a damn soap opera.  I do have to give kudos to Petraeus for just coming clean.  Hell, even Bill Clinton didn’t have the balls to do that!  I have always said I would have more respect for Bill if he would have just fessed up and told everyone he did the nasty with Monica.  Instead, he denied it, we had to hear about the stain on the dress, and on and on, ad nauseum until I couldn’t hardly take it anymore.

The topic of cheating is just so ripe for discussion.  If you read my blog on a regular basis, you know I have been cheated on.  I was cheated on by my ex-husband with one of my ex-best friends of almost 20 years, and I have been cheated on by my last two boyfriends also.  Sometimes I wonder if there’s something about me that just makes guys want to cheat on me.  Oh, bullshit!  I know there isn’t, but it does seem awful strange doesn’t it??

Here’s the deal, and many of you might not agree with this, but I don’t think wives are always just victims in this whole thing.  Yes, I do think there are men out there who are truly, just low-down, dirty, lying, sack-of-shit guys who only want to have their cake and fuck it too, but I think those guys are few and far between. I think in general, people do not set out to cheat.  I think the field has to be fertile in order for it to occur.  The conditions have to be just right.

Soon after my divorce, I figured out I had contributed to my ex-husband’s affair.  Did I tell him to do it?  Ummm. . .no, but I certainly didn’t do anything to prevent it from happening.  Our relationship was shit.  Our communication skills were almost non-existent at that point, our sex life was in the toilet, we didn’t even enjoy each other’s company, and could barely manage to be civil to each other at that point.  In fact, I’m not even sure why we were still married, except that we were both stubborn and didn’t want to admit to ourselves, or each other, that it wasn’t working.

Enter the “best friend”.  Here’s my shoulder, cry on it, tell me what a bitch she is, I’ll be so fucking understanding and tell you how wonderful you are.  Let me rub your penis for you.  Okay, so maybe not that last part, but you know that sex was part of it.  Basically, she was giving him something at that point that I couldn’t give him.  Trust me, it wasn’t intelligent conversation, because she doesn’t have much of it, but I’m guessing whatever it was, it gave him a big ‘ol ego boost.  So then it moved on to him thinking he needed to get rid of me–pregnant with his first child me–and marry her.  So he did.  I forgave him at some point, after I stopped being fucking furious with him for being a dumbass douche bag, but I still haven’t forgiven her.  I will never forgive her.  Do I hate her?  No, because she is not worth that emotion.  I am apathetic towards her–which contains the word pathetic, which I believe she is.  You don’t fuck over your friends.

I think I might have strayed from my point though.  I was watching Oprah one day about six months after my divorce was final, and the topic was infidelity.  She said something that continues to resonate with me to this day.  She said, “If the door isn’t open, no one is able to walk through it.”  Meaning, if you have a strong relationship, if your relationship with your spouse is good and healthy and functioning, neither one of you is interested in fucking that up, so no one else can come between you and your spouse/partner.  Why the fuck didn’t I think of that?  It makes perfect sense when you think about it that way doesn’t it?  It takes two to make a marriage, and it takes two to break it.  Now that doesn’t mean he needed to be sticking his dick into some other chick, but I guess he thought that was necessary.

Really, the grown-up thing to do would’ve been to come to me and tell me he didn’t love me anymore and he wanted a divorce.  But people, especially adults, don’t always do grown-up kinds of things when it comes to love and sex.  We are human and we make mistakes, and we pick wrong, and we hurt people we vowed to love until death us do part.  So right now these two very powerful men,  are being publicly humiliated for making extremely poor choices.  I guess it just goes to show that no matter how much rank, or money, or power you have, one wrong decision made for a moment of passion, can devastate a marriage, a career, an entire lifetime.

Life in general is messy, and the general(s), seems to be in a bit of a mess right now.

 

 

(I definitely encourage comments on this topic, because I can debate this sort of thing all day!  🙂 )

What About Me?

I think last night influenced my almost totally shitty today.  Why, you ask?  Because I can’t get past “what might have been”.  Technically it isn’t even about “what might have been”.  Sorry, I am sure you’re confused.  Me too!

Last night, my ex-husband and I took our son trick or treating.  I was going to let him go alone with our son, but since said son is almost 12 years old, this was most likely the last year for trick or treating, so I wanted to go along too.  It was me that took him the first time, so I felt it only fair that I was there for the last time too.  This was one of the only times, since our son was born,  that we actually did something together.  My ex and I are on pretty good terms, and work really hard to co-parent our son effectively.  We have had some bumps in the road, but most of the time we get along pretty well.

Well, all of the “family time”, led to me analyzing shit on the way to work this morning, and wondering about the “what might have been” stuff.  Don’t get me wrong–I do not want to be with my ex, and am happy that we are divorced, because I was miserable with him and he with me.  However, there is a little part of me, buried way down beneath the trash-talking, pole dancing, sex loving hot chick, that is Suzy Homemaker, and desires domesticity.  At least a little bit of domesticity, along with the love of an amazing man, tons of laughter, and lots of hot sex!  🙂

It totally perplexes me that I can’t seem to find this shit after 11  years of divorce!  I don’t understand it.  I seriously scream at the universe some days and ask, “What about me?”.  I am a good person and I deserve this!!  I have waited a long time for my big love, where in the fuck is it???  Why does it seem that the universe is telling me I’m not worthy?

I realize that life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans, but this is not where I expected to be at my age.  I didn’t expect to be fighting all of my battles solo, with no one else on my team.  I get so damn tired of doing it all alone.  When I get in this mood, this is the only song I can think about.

Bah Humbug

It came to me all of a sudden this morning while drying my hair. I know why I don’t really like Christmas. It’s because of divorce. First it was my parent’s divorce, and then my divorce, and now my brother’s divorce. Now don’t get me wrong–I don’t want to be married to my ex-husband anymore. That isn’t what this is about. It’s about scheduling. Christmas is lost among figuring out who needs to be where, at what time, with which parent, or which parent’s new spouse’s family. There’s only so many days during the holiday season. How many Christmases should a kid have to participate in??

My slow descent into my own personal hell has begun. After I deliver my son to his dad on Christmas morning I will most likely return home to spend the rest of the day with my mother and brother. Then it will be onto my couch and back to back Glee DVR’s.  And when I run out of those I will hope that I can watch White Christmas numerous times. It’s possible I won’t move off the couch until it’s time to go back to work.

Isn’t Christmas great?

With this ring. ..

So my ex-husband just proposed to his current girlfriend this weekend. I know all of this because my son tells me pretty much everything. This will be his third marriage, and we’ve only been divorced a little over 10 years. I have to admit that it bothers me a little bit. Not because he’s getting married, because that ship sailed a long time ago, but because I don’t have a significant other. I’ve had two significant relationships since my divorce–one with a married man and one with an emotional abuser.  Each of those relationships lasted between 3 and 4 years, so you can’t say that I don’t have longevity.  Smart-ass.  I was being sarcastic there.  It doesn’t matter if you have longevity with men who are either emotionally or physically unavailable or are abusive.  I just want there to be someone out there for me.  I think I deserve some good stuff.  Regardless of who I have loved, or the choices I’ve made and what people might think of them, I am a good person.  I’m a great mom–I’m fierce, I’m fun, I’m talented, and when I’m around life is never mundane.  Where’s the man who will realize how great I am and can put up with me??

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