I think last night influenced my almost totally shitty today. Why, you ask? Because I can’t get past “what might have been”. Technically it isn’t even about “what might have been”. Sorry, I am sure you’re confused. Me too!
Last night, my ex-husband and I took our son trick or treating. I was going to let him go alone with our son, but since said son is almost 12 years old, this was most likely the last year for trick or treating, so I wanted to go along too. It was me that took him the first time, so I felt it only fair that I was there for the last time too. This was one of the only times, since our son was born, that we actually did something together. My ex and I are on pretty good terms, and work really hard to co-parent our son effectively. We have had some bumps in the road, but most of the time we get along pretty well.
Well, all of the “family time”, led to me analyzing shit on the way to work this morning, and wondering about the “what might have been” stuff. Don’t get me wrong–I do not want to be with my ex, and am happy that we are divorced, because I was miserable with him and he with me. However, there is a little part of me, buried way down beneath the trash-talking, pole dancing, sex loving hot chick, that is Suzy Homemaker, and desires domesticity. At least a little bit of domesticity, along with the love of an amazing man, tons of laughter, and lots of hot sex! 🙂
It totally perplexes me that I can’t seem to find this shit after 11 years of divorce! I don’t understand it. I seriously scream at the universe some days and ask, “What about me?”. I am a good person and I deserve this!! I have waited a long time for my big love, where in the fuck is it??? Why does it seem that the universe is telling me I’m not worthy?
I realize that life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans, but this is not where I expected to be at my age. I didn’t expect to be fighting all of my battles solo, with no one else on my team. I get so damn tired of doing it all alone. When I get in this mood, this is the only song I can think about.