Don’t you understand
that in order to find my way out of it
I must immerse myself in it
I can’t just float on the surface of it
I must be completely submerged
almost drowning in it
unable to make it up for air
lungs burning from lack of oxygen
fighting and flailing upward
and breaking free from it
at the last possible moment
It’s the only way
I know how to live
By almost dying
each and every time
Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel things
So deeply
I guess this must be my award season! For the second time this week, I have been nominated for an award, this time by Kira, over at Wrestling Life. She is a great supporter of my blog, and like me, seems to feel that poetry can be quite cathartic. She also said some very kind words about her nominees, like that she has drawn strengths from their posts and their encouraging comments. I always hope that something I write can help someone, either through laughter, or just by letting them know they aren’t alone.
I have to admit I am terrible at passing these things on though. It’s not because there aren’t many deserving bloggers out there, it’s because I get lazy. In general, I am not a lazy person. However, when it comes to making that damn list, with all the links to the blogs, I just don’t want to do it because it takes too much time. Piss poor excuse, huh? But, that’s the reason. Of course at some point, if I’m not feeling lazy, I can always pass the award on right?
With that said, it is still so nice to get the awards, and know that people are reading and appreciating my ramblings! And in the spirit of the award, and just because I like lists in general, I will share the seven unknown facts about me. Are you ready??
1. I shave my arms. It’s not that I am overly hairy, but I just don’t care for having body hair in general. Weird?? lol
2. My idea of dress shoes is a good pair of cowboy boots. I will put on a dress every once in awhile, but I am more comfortable in boots and jeans.
3. My favorite place to spend time is by the water. There is something about water that soothes the savage beast in me.
4. I have ADD. I have tried medicine for it, but I really don’t like taking pills if I don’t have to, so I just try to deal with it the best I can. I drive my mother crazy sometimes because I rarely finish one project without diving into another.
5. I wish I had enough money to get a tummy tuck. I think my tits still look pretty good, but it would be nice to have my tummy fixed after my recent weight loss. Plus, if I did, I could fit into another size smaller jeans. Feel badly for me and start taking up a collection, please.
6. I believe laughter can cure pretty much everything.
7. Even though I am a very competent swimmer, I have a fear of drowning.
*I reserve the right to pass this award on when I don’t feel so damn lazy.
Wow. . .I haven’t felt much like anyone’s sunshine after the week I have been through, but Kirsten, over at Kirsten H. Whyte, has so kindly bestowed the Sunshine Award Nomination on me. I really, truly, can only hope that something I write might inspire–well, at least inspire laughter, in someone. I honestly believe that laughter is the cure to all that ails society. Over the last week, even though I have cried numerous tears, I have managed to have much laughter. If you can’t laugh at yourself, then go to Walmart, and you will see plenty of shit to laugh about!!
I do have to tell you that I chose this particular picture to accompany this entry, because it looks like a sunflower, and I am a Kansas girl!! However, the picture I really wanted to use, can be seen at Drawn2Life. I couldn’t use hers, because I didn’t have permission, but it is her amazing watercolor interpretation. Go check out her work, because it is beautiful and inspiring!
Now to answer my “sunshiney” questions from Kirsten!
I have to say, I don’t have the time right now to pass this award on. I haven’t had a chance lately to really delve into the blogs I follow on a regular basis, or to check out new ones. Hopefully, I will be able to bestow the nomination on some others real soon. Thanks again Kirsten!!
Yes, it’s all my fault. You have had absolutely no hand in anything that’s gone on in this relationship. I made you come to my house all those nights. I made you meet some of my family and my friends. I forced you to let me meet your son. I shoved the fucking food I had cooked down your throat. I made you wash your clothes at my house and use my laundry detergent. I made you talk until all hours of the night so you couldn’t get any sleep. I made you wake me up in the middle of the night, sometimes more than once, to have sex. I made you give me a key to your house. I made you let me drive you to drop your son off at the meeting point with your ex. I made you miss paying your bills because you don’t have enough time to yourself. Oh, and because I was so “smothering”, I made you fuck that other chick.
Are you fucking kidding me?? How old are you? I thought you were 42, but obviously, that’s only chronologically. Emotionally I think you’re about 12. Wait–that might be giving you a couple too many years, because my son is 12, and he can take more responsibility for his behavior and decisions than you can!
But guess what Fuck Stick? I’m not going to own it. It’s not mine to own, so I refuse to. If you can’t take responsibility for yourself and your actions, you’re not a man. You have no balls, and I have absolutely no patience for a man who has no balls.
And I decided it was done, that I wasn’t going back, that I wouldn’t allow myself to be talked to that way, or to be treated that way again. I am woman mother fucker, hear me roar!!
“Either you told me you loved me the other night, or I dreamed you told me you loved me.”
“I don’t know where you got that idea, because I never said it. You must have dreamed it.”
Did it escape my lips without me knowing? I tried so hard not to say it, because it always seems to ruin everything. It scares people, but I don’t understand why. I love easily. Just because I tell you I love you, it doesn’t mean I expect you to say it in return. I can love you without your permission. I can love you without you feeling the same way. You should feel lucky I chose to love you. Not everyone gets so lucky.
Truck drivers! You lazy asses! What is this fascination with pissing in gallon containers and leaving them on the exit ramp? Seriously, I understand your need to urinate. I would even go so far as to say I understand your need to urinate in an old milk jug, because you need to make time and can’t spare the ten minutes to pull into the rest area and take a proper whiz. But really, could you do the rest of us the courtesy of disposing of your pee properly? Who in the fuck do you think is going to pick up that jug of apple juice looking piss you have so kindly left sitting on the side of the road? Your lazy ass needs to take care of that yourself!
You may think I am stupid.
You may think I am weak.
You may think I am desperate.
You may even think I am pathetic.
And you might be right.
I have felt all of those things.
I have believed all of those things.
But I refuse to get lost in those things.
I refuse to let them consume me.
Do I know what I am going to do? Not right now I don’t. I am trying not think about it, because right now the point is moot. He and I have had no contact, and I am not planning on contacting him. I still have some of his clothes, all of his good pants, which I actually starched and pressed the same night I found out he had been screwing around. I am aware this is odd behavior, but there was something therapeutic in the ironing. He texted me on Friday and asked if he could get his clothes, but I didn’t answer. He texted on Saturday and asked the same, and I told him yes, and that I would let him know when. I asked him to not bring her, out of respect. He said he had kicked her out. Should I believe him? Probably not, but I suppose it’s possible he did kick her out. Either way, I texted him a couple hours later and told him he could come get them, and to please bring my key. I also told him it all seemed so final, and it made me sad. I haven’t heard from him since. I don’t think it was about the clothes.
If I go back
I deserve what I get
Or maybe
I get what I deserve
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