Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Archive for the month “July, 2012”

Letting It Be & Letting It Go

So remember the afterglow I just wrote about last night?  Well, for me it doesn’t last long.  I think about the time I got up this morning it had disappeared.  And the reason I think it disappeared is because of expectations.  God, what a dirty word. . .say it quietly, so no one will hear you. . .expectations.  Shhh. . too loud!!  You can’t let him know you have expectations at this point!!  Right now you shouldn’t even be expecting him to set up the second date with you even though he has said he wants to see you again!  What the hell is wrong with you??  You’re not expecting some sort of commitment from this guy are you??  After one date?  NO!!  I am not expecting a commitment, I am only expecting him to drop everything else in his life when I text him something funny or sarcastic I thought of to tell him, and immediately text me back, and be at my beck and call, and always telling me how he can’t wait to see me again, and, and,. . .  .oh shit. . .I must be fucking crazy!!  What is it I really expect from him, and what the hell is wrong with me?  Why do I always run straight at a dude I like, just like a puppy going for a sliding glass door only to hit it and get knocked back into reality?  I am a little high strung, and get excited easily. . .kind of like, “oh, shiny thing, I must have it”. . .but really??  I am 43 years young and I should be able to practice some self-control.  But, he’s charismatic, and he’s funny, and he’s educated, and he has a good job, and he has a house, and a car, and a driver’s license (which may not seem important, but the loser ex-boyfriend didn’t have most of that list), and he just seems to get me. . . .and it does just feel so good, until it doesn’t.  Until I feel like showing him some parts of me–like the crazy ass one writing this blog who is obsessing about why he didn’t text me at least 20 times today–would totally freak him out and scare him off, and I know if I was him and he was me, and someone got all text happy with me it would freak me out too.  I would think damn!  Back off a bit and let me breathe!!  I like you, just relax and let’s see where it goes!!  The deal is, I think he does like me, and when I say me, I really mean ME!!  I have totally been myself with this guy–my kind of nerdy, funny, somewhat inappropriate, cuss like a sailor, beer drinking, tell you exactly who I am even if you don’t necessarily want to know, slightly sexy, self.  Yep, I’ve just been me, and he does text back, maybe not as much as I would like, but he does.  So I have no other choice at this point, but to continue being myself–not the crazy one who can be slightly obsessive, but the one who is all those things I just listed, and pretty damn confident and able to take care of herself!  I really just have to let it be whatever it is going to be, and just let it go.  The universe knows my heart, and knows what I want, and at some point, even if it isn’t now, it’s going to bring me what I need.  Let it be, and let it go.

The Afterglow

An afterglow is a broad high arch of whitish or rosy light appearing in the sky due to very fine particles of dust suspended in the high regions of the atmosphere. An afterglow may appear above the highest clouds in the hour of deepening twilight, or reflected from the high snowfields in mountain regions long after sunset. The particles produce a scattering effect upon the component parts of white light.

That’s what I feel like I have today. . .an afterglow.  I don’t think I’ve ever had a date so good that I had afterglow.  The afterglow feels great!!  Can I please ride the afterglow for awhile without doubts, or questions setting in?  Please brain, just let me enjoy it!

First Dates

I type this title, and am thinking, “First dates?  I rarely even have a date, and usually if I have one, there isn’t a second, so maybe I should call it something else.” I guess I am being optimistic, and thinking maybe there will be a point I can write an entry called “Second Dates”!

So you remember me writing the other day about how my anxiety was totally kicking my ass over this first date thing–I was worried the guy wasn’t even going to show up, etc.??  Well, he did.  He showed up.  He was running a couple of minutes lates, but he texted me and let me know.  Then he showed up!!  He actually showed up.  I know I shouldn’t act so stunned, because I think guys SHOULD do what they say they’re going to do, but a lot of the guys I’ve come across don’t usually do that.

Brownie points for him, he planned the date, and paid for pretty much everything except one of my beers.  It is nice to go out with a guy who pays for everything.  Not that he has to do that every time, but for the first date it is nice.  It’s been so long since I’ve had a guy do that.  The last guy I “dated”, thought everything was supposed to be dutch, and I was supposed to cook for him.  I think I like old school dating.

We went to a car show, even though it’s about 108 degrees here today, and then headed to the bar for burgers and beer.  I don’t think the conversation ever stalled–we’re both talkers, so it was easy to talk about lots of things.  There was only one point when he was driving me home, that there was a couple of minutes of silence, and within those couple of minutes, I thought the silence was ok. . .that I could ride for a few miles in complete silence with this guy, and it would be okay.  I think that in itself speaks volumes.

So, end of date, he comes in for a couple of minutes, we sit and chat, he says he should go, tells me he’d like to kiss me, so I let him!  hahaha  I told him I had a wonderful time, and he said he did too, and that he’d like to do it again, and I tell him I would too.  So, I guess we’ll see what happens, because actions speak louder than words.  Either way I will keep you posted!


I Am Woman!!

I don’t know if I can do this. I can’t be cool. The anxiety is starting to set in.  I can’t control the fear he just won’t even show up.  It has happened to me before, so every time that creeps into my head.  It’s probably why I don’t date.  I like to act tough, and think I’m this big risk taker, and brag about how I’m getting out there and trying, but then when it comes down to it, I fucking panic.  Yep, full-fledged, holy shit, I think I really like this guy and what if he stands me up or worse yet I fall for him and he breaks my heart and fucks me over kind of panic.  Yeah, I know that’s a run-on sentence–don’t judge, I’m having a fucking crisis here!!  If the run-on sentence bothers you, you better prepare yourself, because this shit actually calls for a run-on paragraph!!  Why is it that regardless of how long it’s been since you’ve been abused, that shit is right back there like it was yesterday when certain situations come up?  I don’t want to live like a victim and hide in my house and never take a chance at love again dammit!!  I want to survive, and thrive, and be all that I was meant to be before I met a couple of asshole guys, who mean nothing!!  I will get through this, and if he doesn’t turn out to be “the one”, I will go on looking and trying to find someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated!!  I do have to say this guy seems pretty cool. . .he’s successful, he’s driven, he’s fucking hilarious, he seems to get me and told me last night he finds me intriguing.  WTF??  He must be insane!!  He is coming here to take me out, and when I said something about picking a restaurant he asked me if I would be opposed to him planning the date.  Are you kidding??  I can’t remember the last time a man planned a date for me. . .hard enough to remember the last time I had a date!  It makes me feel kind of special, and I haven’t felt that way in a long time.  But, the doubts creep in, and that negative self-talk starts—me telling myself I’m not special, and no one is ever going to think that.  And then I say, stop it you stupid bitch!!  You can’t do that!!  You have to think you are fabulous and special, or no one else is ever going to think you are!  Put your damn fat bottom girl pants on and hit it.  You fucking got this!  You can do this, and if he doesn’t like, then it’s his loss because you are amazing!!  So take that all you other men who have come before the ones I am still going to meet!  You will not defeat me!  I shall rise again!!  After all tomorrow is another day!!  Oh, I’ll try to remember to get on here and let you know how the date went!  😉

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