I Am Woman!!

I don’t know if I can do this. I can’t be cool. The anxiety is starting to set in.  I can’t control the fear he just won’t even show up.  It has happened to me before, so every time that creeps into my head.  It’s probably why I don’t date.  I like to act tough, and think I’m this big risk taker, and brag about how I’m getting out there and trying, but then when it comes down to it, I fucking panic.  Yep, full-fledged, holy shit, I think I really like this guy and what if he stands me up or worse yet I fall for him and he breaks my heart and fucks me over kind of panic.  Yeah, I know that’s a run-on sentence–don’t judge, I’m having a fucking crisis here!!  If the run-on sentence bothers you, you better prepare yourself, because this shit actually calls for a run-on paragraph!!  Why is it that regardless of how long it’s been since you’ve been abused, that shit is right back there like it was yesterday when certain situations come up?  I don’t want to live like a victim and hide in my house and never take a chance at love again dammit!!  I want to survive, and thrive, and be all that I was meant to be before I met a couple of asshole guys, who mean nothing!!  I will get through this, and if he doesn’t turn out to be “the one”, I will go on looking and trying to find someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated!!  I do have to say this guy seems pretty cool. . .he’s successful, he’s driven, he’s fucking hilarious, he seems to get me and told me last night he finds me intriguing.  WTF??  He must be insane!!  He is coming here to take me out, and when I said something about picking a restaurant he asked me if I would be opposed to him planning the date.  Are you kidding??  I can’t remember the last time a man planned a date for me. . .hard enough to remember the last time I had a date!  It makes me feel kind of special, and I haven’t felt that way in a long time.  But, the doubts creep in, and that negative self-talk starts—me telling myself I’m not special, and no one is ever going to think that.  And then I say, stop it you stupid bitch!!  You can’t do that!!  You have to think you are fabulous and special, or no one else is ever going to think you are!  Put your damn fat bottom girl pants on and hit it.  You fucking got this!  You can do this, and if he doesn’t like, then it’s his loss because you are amazing!!  So take that all you other men who have come before the ones I am still going to meet!  You will not defeat me!  I shall rise again!!  After all tomorrow is another day!!  Oh, I’ll try to remember to get on here and let you know how the date went!  😉