Letting It Be & Letting It Go
So remember the afterglow I just wrote about last night? Well, for me it doesn’t last long. I think about the time I got up this morning it had disappeared. And the reason I think it disappeared is because of expectations. God, what a dirty word. . .say it quietly, so no one will hear you. . .expectations. Shhh. . too loud!! You can’t let him know you have expectations at this point!! Right now you shouldn’t even be expecting him to set up the second date with you even though he has said he wants to see you again! What the hell is wrong with you?? You’re not expecting some sort of commitment from this guy are you?? After one date? NO!! I am not expecting a commitment, I am only expecting him to drop everything else in his life when I text him something funny or sarcastic I thought of to tell him, and immediately text me back, and be at my beck and call, and always telling me how he can’t wait to see me again, and, and,. . . .oh shit. . .I must be fucking crazy!! What is it I really expect from him, and what the hell is wrong with me? Why do I always run straight at a dude I like, just like a puppy going for a sliding glass door only to hit it and get knocked back into reality? I am a little high strung, and get excited easily. . .kind of like, “oh, shiny thing, I must have it”. . .but really?? I am 43 years young and I should be able to practice some self-control. But, he’s charismatic, and he’s funny, and he’s educated, and he has a good job, and he has a house, and a car, and a driver’s license (which may not seem important, but the loser ex-boyfriend didn’t have most of that list), and he just seems to get me. . . .and it does just feel so good, until it doesn’t. Until I feel like showing him some parts of me–like the crazy ass one writing this blog who is obsessing about why he didn’t text me at least 20 times today–would totally freak him out and scare him off, and I know if I was him and he was me, and someone got all text happy with me it would freak me out too. I would think damn! Back off a bit and let me breathe!! I like you, just relax and let’s see where it goes!! The deal is, I think he does like me, and when I say me, I really mean ME!! I have totally been myself with this guy–my kind of nerdy, funny, somewhat inappropriate, cuss like a sailor, beer drinking, tell you exactly who I am even if you don’t necessarily want to know, slightly sexy, self. Yep, I’ve just been me, and he does text back, maybe not as much as I would like, but he does. So I have no other choice at this point, but to continue being myself–not the crazy one who can be slightly obsessive, but the one who is all those things I just listed, and pretty damn confident and able to take care of herself! I really just have to let it be whatever it is going to be, and just let it go. The universe knows my heart, and knows what I want, and at some point, even if it isn’t now, it’s going to bring me what I need. Let it be, and let it go.