Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Archive for the tag “loneliness”

Duplication

It’s been raining steadily for hours, and we should be playing hooky and lying in bed under that old quilt my grandma made that’s worn to a softer than down finish after years of use.

But you’re not here, and I have no idea where you are because I don’t know who you are even though I think about you so much you would think I would’ve dreamed you into life by now.

So instead of cuddling and conversations, I’ll keep trudging through my work day and my life like some automaton always wanting there to be more to this mundane existence but too scared to hope for it for fear it will never exist.

 

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Ectoparasites

I let the air caress my skin because no man wants to

and because lonely is a tick which has embedded itself in me

and injected me with its poison

and my soul is sick with the loneliness fever

and it’s only a matter of time until my body succumbs to the disease

 

 

 

 

What Lies Within Us

What is the flaw within us

that doesn’t believe we are good enough

for good love

Why is it easier to accept

the love

which isn’t really love

but merely sickness masquerading

We give them the benefit of the doubt

because we believe

we can see the possibilities inside them

of which there are none

and even if there were potential

it’s not up to us to nurture them

Brother of mine

do not make the same mistakes I have made

it will not get better

but only worse every time

until it will culminate

into something she can’t take back

Run away from her little brother

as fast as you can

as far as you can

It may be lonely for awhile

but not as lonely as a tomb

 

 

 

Insignificance

cats

 

Like the old lady next door

you know

the one who feeds all the neighborhood cats

you’d never notice I was missing

until you see my newspapers piling up

and the old pie tins sitting empty

and the cats meowing because they’re hungry

you’d never notice I was missing

until the postman can’t fit any more

Home Shopping Network boxes on my porch

and can’t close the mailbox door

because there are too many Domino’s pizza coupons in there

you’d never notice I was missing

until you started to smell

my decomposing body

or maybe you wouldn’t notice

because you don’t notice me when I’m there

 

Sowing The Seeds Of Love

you sow the seeds

but you only grow weeds

in your little garden you planted with her

fertilized with bitter words

showered with yelling like the squawking of a crow

“I love her, but I have my doubts it will work”

you told me

(and I wondered why you were bothering trying again)

ever the scarecrow

you don the overalls and the floppy hat

but even you can’t stop the foraging

your previous crop with her had failed

withered on the vine

you were different gardeners

both of you

afraid to throw in the trowel

so to speak

you can’t seem to take the sage advice

of the farmer’s almanac

about cultivating a healthy  harvest

you reap what you sow you know

you have weevils

grubs

pests eating at the roots

nibbling away at the foundation

chop it all down

compost the crap

let go

and let it return to the earth

maybe then

you will find someone

who can help you bring in a crop

 

 

 

 

Speech Impediments

This time last year, I loved you, and thought there was still a small chance you loved me.

Now I wonder if you ever loved me, or if it was just easy to type because the words in print, held no weight.

It always seemed when we talked that you would have trouble forming the words in your mouth, and I don’t remember you ever saying it first, but only in response to my telling you.

I’m not sure what hurt worse:  knowing you didn’t love me anymore, or the realization that you may have never loved me.

 

 

 

Ghost of Christmases Past

xmaspast

 

I hate the holidays.

For numerous reasons.

My parents divorced years ago, when I was around 12, and that is when my hatred of the holidays began.

Up until then, it had been presents, and aunts and uncles and cousins, and cinnamon applesauce salad, and grandmas and grandpa, and some damn ham, and crocheted ponchos for everyone.  Except the boys, of course.

After the Big D, referred to as “A.D.” at our house, meaning “After Divorce”, everything changed.

A.D., we would spend Christmas Eve with my mom, and then my dad would pick us up on Christmas morning to take us to our grandma and grandpa’s.

I remember the sick feeling I’d get in my stomach at having to leave my mom home alone.  I hated it, and would feel sad for her all day.

Even then I knew I never wanted to spend Christmas alone, while my imagined, future children went elsewhere, but oh, how things come to pass which we never expect.

Here I am, 30 plus years later, doing near the same thing: swapping holidays with my son’s father.

Every year, the closer it gets to the holidays, the more morose and irritable I seem to get.  I want to skip them altogether and go straight to the New Year, because I’ve given up on trying to schedule time with my limited number of family members, whose schedules don’t ever jive, because of divorces and remarriages and extended families and step-families.

I realized this morning, I think this hatred derives from the fact I’m being eaten up with jealousy when the holidays roll around.  I don’t have a husband, or a boyfriend, and my family seems scattered and all kinds of fucked up.

You sit over there with your Christmas card perfect spouse and kids, and their spouses, and maybe even a couple of grandkids running around at this point, and I hate you just a little bit.

I wonder why you deserve that family, and why I don’t.

All I ever wanted was to be a part of a big, loving family, and when I was really young, I thought that’s what I had. But then I grew up.

I grew up and discovered those types of families are mostly just myth.

Like unicorns, they don’t exist.

Families are messy.

Parents give each other the cold shoulder, or make biting comments about the others’ appearance, or sometimes have affairs they scream about during late night drunken fights, or god forbid over Thanksgiving dinner.

Siblings argue because they don’t like their sister’s choice in a mate so they refuse to sit down at the same table and dine with them, or you find out your brother had sex with your wife.

Kids grow up and are too busy to travel an hour or two to see their non-custodial parent, and when they’re forced to do it, they’re pissed off because they can’t be with their friends over Christmas break and they make everyone’s life miserable because of it.

And step-families become the first priority, and you will always have to take a back seat to their plans, and often figure out excuses not to attend combined functions because you don’t fit into their mix, and all you really want is just a few moments alone with your dad and your brother to make fart jokes and laugh.

Life in general, is messy, and fucked up, and complicated.

But right here, right now, I know this:

In 5 days I will drive to the airport to pick up my little boy, who now stands 6’2, and has a booming tenor voice, and who will soon be 15 years old, and in that moment, and the 10 days following that, I will be happy.

I will be happy because my boy is sleeping in his bed down the hall from me once again, and for 10 days, everything will be right with the world, regardless of what Christmas plans are made or kept, or how fucked up our family is.

I wish the same for you, and your fucked up family.

Peace on Earth and pass the vodka.

 

 

an arid wasteland

lead my parched heart to an oasis before it dies of thirst

i have sand coursing through my veins

i cough dust and choke on the inhumanity of man

as i wash down the deceit with dirt

my body an empty shell

filled with the salt of the Dead Sea

bring me water on your tongue

for my shriveled soul

heart

Missing Pieces

I want the scent of you to linger
on the pillow
long after the warmth of you has faded
from the sheets

Why must I be the one you run to
And she be the one you call home

The soft spot on the inside of my thigh
where you place kisses and your beard tickles me
isn’t enough to keep you rooted inside the core of me
that space you know so well which no one else has ever seen
or had the desire to

How I wish your hand
which so easily traces paths of longing across my skin
could so easily intertwine with mine in the public market
and make a proclamation of your love for me

What About Me?

I think last night influenced my almost totally shitty today.  Why, you ask?  Because I can’t get past “what might have been”.  Technically it isn’t even about “what might have been”.  Sorry, I am sure you’re confused.  Me too!

Last night, my ex-husband and I took our son trick or treating.  I was going to let him go alone with our son, but since said son is almost 12 years old, this was most likely the last year for trick or treating, so I wanted to go along too.  It was me that took him the first time, so I felt it only fair that I was there for the last time too.  This was one of the only times, since our son was born,  that we actually did something together.  My ex and I are on pretty good terms, and work really hard to co-parent our son effectively.  We have had some bumps in the road, but most of the time we get along pretty well.

Well, all of the “family time”, led to me analyzing shit on the way to work this morning, and wondering about the “what might have been” stuff.  Don’t get me wrong–I do not want to be with my ex, and am happy that we are divorced, because I was miserable with him and he with me.  However, there is a little part of me, buried way down beneath the trash-talking, pole dancing, sex loving hot chick, that is Suzy Homemaker, and desires domesticity.  At least a little bit of domesticity, along with the love of an amazing man, tons of laughter, and lots of hot sex!  🙂

It totally perplexes me that I can’t seem to find this shit after 11  years of divorce!  I don’t understand it.  I seriously scream at the universe some days and ask, “What about me?”.  I am a good person and I deserve this!!  I have waited a long time for my big love, where in the fuck is it???  Why does it seem that the universe is telling me I’m not worthy?

I realize that life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans, but this is not where I expected to be at my age.  I didn’t expect to be fighting all of my battles solo, with no one else on my team.  I get so damn tired of doing it all alone.  When I get in this mood, this is the only song I can think about.

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