Yes, I am. That title is relevant to my update this evening. Remember the man I wrote about last night? And about him cutting off contact with me? Well, today I decided I would text him again. I hadn’t called, or texted, since my phone call yesterday morning when I left the message asking him to please just be honest with me. So this morning, right before lunch, I thought I would send a text, and keep it light and humorous. I find myself quite humorous, and it’s altogether possible he might find me humorous too. Here’s how it went:
Me: Is it because I like disco?? I know that turns a lot of guys off, but I can’t help myself. . .when a good disco song comes on I just have to dance! 🙂 (Smiley for good measure, right?) I tried to keep it a secret for the longest time, but just couldn’t! LOL
Him: It’s because you freaked me out. 😦
Me: (after about an hour, because I went to lunch and didn’t realize he texted, and plus I wanted to be sure what I was going to text back) Would you be willing to give me a second chance?
Him: (after about 29 agonizingly long minutes) Maybe. I’m sorry I stopped talking to you.
Me: I have missed talking to you, and I am sorry you felt the need to stop talking to me. I know I can be intense sometimes. . .I think the Black Crowes wrote that song, Hard to Handle, about me. LOL (I know it’s a guy singing, but I am still hard to handle dammit!)
We exchanged some more text messages after that, I asked how he’d been, we talked about working out, you know, basics. I wanted to keep it kind of light. He told me he was going to try to catch some sleep, and I told him to sleep well and that was the end of the conversation.
I know some of you might wonder why I would ask for a second chance. The only thing I can say is that I really think this guy is different. He tells me he’s different, and he truly seems to be different. This means I need to be different too. I don’t mean that I need to be a different person, I just mean that I need to be different in the sense that I have to back off. I have to stop being so intense right up front. It was like someone had flipped a switch in my head, and I just started pouring it on.
While discussing this yesterday with a friend of mine, she said, “You’re pushing him away.” WTF? Whatchoo talkin’ bout Willis?? I said, “What do you mean I’m pushing him away?” “You’re pushing him away with all your insecurities.” she said. Wow, that was a pretty smart thing for a 29 year old to say. So I thought about it, and she was right. My fear of losing someone I thought of as wonderful, and a potential partner, led me to push things too quickly, and basically throw myself at him by driving over three hours to meet him while he’s staying in a motel, away from home for work. My fear manifested, set off a chain of fear, because then he got fearful, also known as “freaked”, and he began to pull away. I push. . . .he pulls.
It’s like I’m screaming at him. . .”See me?? See how wonderful I am?? I am going to show you how wonderful I am and drive over 3 hours to meet you for the first time when you’re stuck in a motel away from home!! I don’t care if you don’t know what your schedule is, or how long you’re going to be there, I want to come see you!! Don’t you want me to come??””
And he’s sitting over there in his chair going. . . “Ummm. . . how do I say this without hurting your feelings? No, I don’t think it’s a good idea if you drive 3 hours to come see me crazy lady who I’ve never met before!! I don’t really trust you yet, and even though I like you, and find you interesting, and want to meet you at some point, that point is NOT today, so why don’t you just back the hell off??”
And then I stop screaming and I’m like. . .”Ok, I understand, because you do seem to be wiser and kinder than the average man I come across, and okay, I can get a little out of control, but please understand me, and men have treated me badly, and please be honest with me, and be understanding of where I’ve come from, and. . . ” on and on and on ad nauseum. Truly, it makes me sick when I think about what I told him on the phone that night. No wonder the poor guy didn’t want to talk to me!
But maybe. . . .I think I can work with maybe. Maybe he already likes me enough to continue communicating until we can meet at some point. Maybe I can keep it together this time and not let my insecurities come flying out. Maybe he really is the great guy he seems to be. Maybe with time and patience, I will find out all I need to know.
Oh yeah, this song totally rocks too, so have a listen!!