Fat Bottom Girl Said What

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Archive for the tag “forgiveness”

A Melancholy Mother’s Day

I wrote to my daughter’s mother today to tell her Happy Mother’s Day. Yes, you heard me correctly. I have a daughter, but I am not her mother. It pained me for years to say this, but it is the truth.

You see, I got pregnant and had a baby at 16. I wasn’t equipped to be a mom. I considered abortion, but by the time my mind really allowed me to realize I was pregnant, it was too late, and I don’t think I could’ve gone through with it anyway. So I did what numerous teen girls have done before me, and I put her up for adoption.

It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.

I felt like a piece of my soul had been torn out of my very being. I felt incomplete most days, because I knew she was out there but she wasn’t a part of my life.

Some days I wanted to die it hurt so bad. Other days I thought her being gone was like a death, but worse because I didn’t know where she was or what was happening in her life.

I wanted to be a part of her life, but knew that I had to wait. I had to wait until she was at least 18 to start looking for her.

It didn’t take 18 years. Around her 10th birthday, her mother contacted me and she and I started a regular correspondence. She would send pictures and letters occasionally, and I would send gifts to my daughter. Her mother and I developed a friendship, born out of heartbreak – hers for not being able to conceive, and mine for giving away my child. Her mother was very appreciative of my sacrifice and knew what I had done hadn’t been easy.

When my daughter was 24 I decided I couldn’t wait any longer. I wanted to extend a hand in case she was interested in getting to know each other, or I wanted to find some closure so I wasn’t sitting around wondering for the rest of my life.

I wrote my daughter a letter, telling her that if she was interested, I would like to get to know her, and if not, I understood and wouldn’t contact her again.

About a week later, I received a Facebook friend request from her and was elated! She and I began corresponding and getting to know each other. She wanted to know about my son, her half-brother, and was interested in some family medical history also.

We arranged to meet. She was so much like me it was scary. Nature wins out over nurture obviously.

I found out she was getting married within a few months, and she invited me, and my family to the wedding. It was bittersweet. I had to leave the venue and go outside to get a grip on my emotions.

It’s the oddest feeling to share DNA with someone, yet be on the periphery of their life.

I would say my daughter and I became friends of sorts. She came and stayed with me a couple of times, and my son and I would visit her.

Even though I knew that I wasn’t her mother–I wasn’t the woman who had raised her, who comforted her when she cried, who reveled in her achievements, who waited up to make sure she came home safely–I was the woman who had given birth to her. I was the one who carried her in me for 9 months. I was the one who held her, and fed her, and changed her diaper for 4 days before she left the hospital to go be with her new family.

Because of that, I wanted her to just one time, acknowledge to me that I had done those things. That I mattered because I gave her life. That I mattered because I let her go to parents who adored her and gave her an amazing life.

The last time I saw her she acknowledged me, but not like I had hoped.

“I wish you’d never had me!”

“Why didn’t you just abort me?”

“I wished I’d never met you!”

“I hate you and you’ve ruined my life twice!”

She walked away and never looked back. She and I have no contact now.

I won’t reach out again.

You might think that’s selfish, or immature. You can think what you like. You don’t know my heart or the hell I went through for years while missing my daughter.

Children break our hearts. Maybe your child broke your heart today, as my son did, with no “Happy Mother’s Day” utterance, no “You’re the greatest mom and I love you”.

He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be a parent and have a piece of your soul walking around in this world–knowing that as much as you love them, they are their own beings, and they will think, and do, exactly as they please regardless.

Maybe he will understand one day if he has children of his own.

Maybe my daughter will understand one day if she has children of her own.

Maybe, just maybe, she will be able to forgive a 16 year old girl, who was scared shitless, and felt like she had no other options.

But maybe she won’t. And that’s okay. Because I love her anyway. And I love my son too.

And because I love them, I forgive them.

We’re moms, we’re dads, we’re parents. It’s what we do.

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Cheater, Cheater. . .Where’d you meet her?

“You know her, she’s my biographer.”  

Way to go General.  I think you’re a very intelligent man, but you were obviously thinking with the “Little Colonel” when it came to this decision.  Had to go and pick some bitch who started sending nasty emails to some other chick who she thought might be trying to edge in on her territory.  Oh, but wait!  There was another General taking care of that business already.  This whole thing comes off looking like a damn soap opera.  I do have to give kudos to Petraeus for just coming clean.  Hell, even Bill Clinton didn’t have the balls to do that!  I have always said I would have more respect for Bill if he would have just fessed up and told everyone he did the nasty with Monica.  Instead, he denied it, we had to hear about the stain on the dress, and on and on, ad nauseum until I couldn’t hardly take it anymore.

The topic of cheating is just so ripe for discussion.  If you read my blog on a regular basis, you know I have been cheated on.  I was cheated on by my ex-husband with one of my ex-best friends of almost 20 years, and I have been cheated on by my last two boyfriends also.  Sometimes I wonder if there’s something about me that just makes guys want to cheat on me.  Oh, bullshit!  I know there isn’t, but it does seem awful strange doesn’t it??

Here’s the deal, and many of you might not agree with this, but I don’t think wives are always just victims in this whole thing.  Yes, I do think there are men out there who are truly, just low-down, dirty, lying, sack-of-shit guys who only want to have their cake and fuck it too, but I think those guys are few and far between. I think in general, people do not set out to cheat.  I think the field has to be fertile in order for it to occur.  The conditions have to be just right.

Soon after my divorce, I figured out I had contributed to my ex-husband’s affair.  Did I tell him to do it?  Ummm. . .no, but I certainly didn’t do anything to prevent it from happening.  Our relationship was shit.  Our communication skills were almost non-existent at that point, our sex life was in the toilet, we didn’t even enjoy each other’s company, and could barely manage to be civil to each other at that point.  In fact, I’m not even sure why we were still married, except that we were both stubborn and didn’t want to admit to ourselves, or each other, that it wasn’t working.

Enter the “best friend”.  Here’s my shoulder, cry on it, tell me what a bitch she is, I’ll be so fucking understanding and tell you how wonderful you are.  Let me rub your penis for you.  Okay, so maybe not that last part, but you know that sex was part of it.  Basically, she was giving him something at that point that I couldn’t give him.  Trust me, it wasn’t intelligent conversation, because she doesn’t have much of it, but I’m guessing whatever it was, it gave him a big ‘ol ego boost.  So then it moved on to him thinking he needed to get rid of me–pregnant with his first child me–and marry her.  So he did.  I forgave him at some point, after I stopped being fucking furious with him for being a dumbass douche bag, but I still haven’t forgiven her.  I will never forgive her.  Do I hate her?  No, because she is not worth that emotion.  I am apathetic towards her–which contains the word pathetic, which I believe she is.  You don’t fuck over your friends.

I think I might have strayed from my point though.  I was watching Oprah one day about six months after my divorce was final, and the topic was infidelity.  She said something that continues to resonate with me to this day.  She said, “If the door isn’t open, no one is able to walk through it.”  Meaning, if you have a strong relationship, if your relationship with your spouse is good and healthy and functioning, neither one of you is interested in fucking that up, so no one else can come between you and your spouse/partner.  Why the fuck didn’t I think of that?  It makes perfect sense when you think about it that way doesn’t it?  It takes two to make a marriage, and it takes two to break it.  Now that doesn’t mean he needed to be sticking his dick into some other chick, but I guess he thought that was necessary.

Really, the grown-up thing to do would’ve been to come to me and tell me he didn’t love me anymore and he wanted a divorce.  But people, especially adults, don’t always do grown-up kinds of things when it comes to love and sex.  We are human and we make mistakes, and we pick wrong, and we hurt people we vowed to love until death us do part.  So right now these two very powerful men,  are being publicly humiliated for making extremely poor choices.  I guess it just goes to show that no matter how much rank, or money, or power you have, one wrong decision made for a moment of passion, can devastate a marriage, a career, an entire lifetime.

Life in general is messy, and the general(s), seems to be in a bit of a mess right now.

 

 

(I definitely encourage comments on this topic, because I can debate this sort of thing all day!  🙂 )

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