After 12 years I feel as if I have failed you. I’m not claiming I was always the best mother, but I am the mother who will always love you the best, and love you the most. But I feel like I have failed you. I always thought I would be able to create another family for you. I had hoped to do that–to meet a really great guy who was really good for both of us, one that would love you like you were his own. One that would love you simply because you are a part of me, because that would be how much he loves me, and because he would know how much I love you. But I didn’t do that, so I failed you. After the third time, your dad finally got it right, and now you have a really great step-mom. She doesn’t try to be your mom and replace me, but she is just a natural nurturer, and she’s good to you. You like that family atmosphere that your dad’s marriage gives you, and I don’t blame you. That’s all I ever wanted after my parents divorced. I just wanted that family again; to be a part of something. I wanted to get married, and have kids, at least a couple, and have that family. But that didn’t happen. The dream was nothing like the reality, and it was over before it started. I feel like I can’t give you what you feel like you need right now, and that breaks my heart. Up until now I haven’t ever felt that way. I felt like the way things were was good enough. I still felt like I was doing a good enough job, and that I was giving you everything you needed. I don’t feel that way now. Someday, you will understand why that breaks my heart. Why every time I let the reality of you not being here slip into my waking brain, that it is physically painful for me. Do you know what the worst part is? I know that I have to learn to be okay with it. I have to learn to accept it, or it will kill me. And it won’t kill me quickly. Doing what is right, and doing what is best, are usually some of the hardest things you will ever have to do in life, and in time you will come to realize this. I just want you to know this is one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and it’s because I love you so much.
You’re a good mom letting him try this out for his own good. He’ll see that and appreciate you again soon enough. He’s at a tough age for a boy so his head is jumbled I’m sure.
I know it’s a tough age–for boys and girls alike. I understand him wanting to be with his dad too. Just hard to get used to the quiet!!
Oh, this is heartbreaking. What a loving mom you are. Doing what’s right for your kid ahead of your own needs is what we all strive to do. And we don’t always manage it, but you are! Hugs!! Brenda
Thanks Brenda, I just wish doing what was right didn’t hurt so much. Guess it’s just part of being a parent, huh?
I find you can’t love without feeling pain sometimes. But I’d rather love than be numb. Isn’t there a country song, my achy-breaky heart? Poor heart.
Yes, it is always better to risk breaking your heart as opposed to the alternative! 🙂
You never know how things turn around either. As long as you provide him a stable, supportive atmosphere, he will always be back. No one can forget or replace their mother.
I am hoping that it will bring us closer; that we will appreciate our time together more. For once we will be able to spend our time more leisurely, not having to always adhere to such a strict schedule.
You’re looking on the bright side! That must mean the pain has settled a little. I’m happy for you!
One day at a time, right?
Yes, because there’s no other alternative.
If it makes you feel any better, and it may not, I lived with my dad and his wife for several years in highschool. My mom let me go! But now, my mom and I are incredibly close. I think it’s so commendable that you are giving him his own space to decide…..it’s hard for all involved.
It’s one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, and I can only hope that it is the best decision for all involved.
My heart breaks for the silence in your house…. You are doing this right, putting the kid ahead of you. But damn, I know it hurts.
At this point I am just trying to write through it, and read through it, and remodel through it, and some days drink through it. I know I will get to the other side sooner or later. 🙂
Ahh, life’s only certainty – this too shall pass.
Thinking of you. Nothing will ever take away the fact that you are his mom. Hang in there.
I don’t have any kids, but I always wanted some, so I think I can imagine how much hurt you’re in, but yes, letting him make the decision will bring you closer someday, when he realizes how amazing his mom is. XOXO
Thanks!! xoxo to you too!
Your love shines thru
Thanks Tom! 🙂
Ugh. Hard decisions, hard heartache.
I love the letter to him, but I disagree that you failed him. There are no guarantees in life, except that you love him forever. And sometimes, that knowledge is the only thing you can cling to. But it is undeniable, and I know he knows it as a solid truth. Allowing him to make that decision is huge for both of you — it takes a lot to step back and let things happen.
You don’t need advice, you’re just writing it out, and that’s good. You’re working through it, and before long, it will just be another detail. I really do think that it will be beneficial to your relationship with him. And like what was said above, twelve is a tough age for any kid. It’s also a tough age for moms and dads.
As for the quiet — my answer to that is MORE MUSIC! Sing your guts out, woman! 😉
I think it’s time to dust of the old karaoke machine, and tie on the new tap shoes!! 🙂
It’s the silence that kills me too. I, I just don’t know, it’s impossible. I am crying with you and for you.
We will survive!! There is no other option!
Just stumbled over to your blog for the first time and WOW, what an incredible post. The heartbreak you are going through is palpable in this post. What a strong, brave woman and dedicated, wonderful mom you are. Someday your son will look back and know that, despite what you are feeling right now, you have always given him everything he needed, everything you could. Keep on, strong mama.
Thank you so much for your kind words! So glad you stumbled onto my blog, and hope you keep coming back. I used to write things that could be quite humorous, but lately have been just trying to get through this “acceptance” process. Hopefully, soon I can find some peace, and get back to funny business. 🙂
Whew. A painful and very personal piece for me, and extremely well written. I am so familiar with the feeling of failing as a mother, not having a partner that my daughters liked or got along with…At this stage, I am mostly in acceptance that I did the best I could do, and I’m sure you are too.
Loving our children with all our heart and making conscious loving choices is all we can do. And you’re doing that. with love and blessings, Lucia
Thanks so much for reading and commenting. I know there are so many mothers out there who can really relate to all the feelings I am experiencing, and there are probably fathers who can too. I think that’s all we ever can do as parents, is just try to do the best with what we have at the time, and hope that it’s enough. With great love, comes great sacrifices—I know I have read that somewhere. Thanks again for reading and commenting!!
Wow. Earlier today I was thinking, for about the millionth time, how I wish I could have given my daughter a wonderful, loving nurturing family with two parents who both wanted that and worked toward that, and at least another sibling. And here you are…
I’m with you on the wondering when acceptance will come. When will the knife in my gut stop turning? I hope you do find peace. It is true that they will be fine. We were the ones with the dreams. They are the ones with the mothers who love them enough to dream big dreams for them. Blessings.
I never give up hoping that some day I can still give my son those things. Isn’t that what one needs to keep going–hope? Even though the feelings of defeat sometimes feel overwhelming, that little tiny pinpoint of hope always seems to push through. Thanks so much for reading and commenting! Peace to you! 🙂
You are an incredibly evolved individual. Did you know?
Actually? No. I often feel as though I don’t know my way through life, and can’t find a map, so it’s nice to hear you say that. 🙂
Oh, how my heart ached reading that letter. I know this has got to be a really hard time for you. That letter was beautiful. Your son is blessed to have such a wonderful mom who loves him with all of her heart!
Thanks Kira! Eventually he will appreciate it, I’m sure. Right now he is at that age where he seems to think parents are an inconvenience. lol
Oh gosh, so so heartbreaking to have to let go.
Big hugs – you deserve ’em
Thanks Kat. I just have to figure out how to get to the other side of puberty without my son and I hating each other.