Fat Bottom Girl Said What

Practicing Acceptance

After 12 years I feel as if I have failed you.  I’m not claiming I was always the best mother, but I am the mother who will always love you the best, and love you the most.  But I feel like I have failed you.  I always thought I would be able to create another family for you.  I had hoped to do that–to meet a really great guy who was really good for both of us, one that would love you like you were his own.  One that would love you simply because you are a part of me, because that would be how much he loves me, and because he would know how much I love you.  But I didn’t do that, so I failed you.  After the third time, your dad finally got it right, and now you have a really great step-mom.  She doesn’t try to be your mom and replace me, but she is just a natural nurturer, and she’s good to you.  You like that family atmosphere that your dad’s marriage gives you, and I don’t blame you.  That’s all I ever wanted after my parents divorced.  I just wanted that family again; to be a part of something.  I wanted to get married, and have kids, at least a couple, and have that family.  But that didn’t happen.  The dream was nothing like the reality, and it was over before it started.  I feel like I can’t give you what you feel like you need right now, and that breaks my heart.  Up until now I haven’t ever felt that way.  I felt like the way things were was good enough.  I still felt like I was doing a good enough job, and that I was giving you everything you needed.  I don’t feel that way now.  Someday, you will understand why that breaks my heart.  Why every time I let the reality of you not being here slip into my waking brain, that it is physically painful for me.  Do you know what the worst part is?  I know that I have to learn to be okay with it.  I have to learn to accept it, or it will kill me.  And it won’t kill me quickly.  Doing what is right, and doing what is best, are usually some of the hardest things you will ever have to do in life, and in time you will come to realize this.  I just want you to know this is one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and it’s because I love you so much.