Fat Bottom Girl Said What

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Archive for the tag “my son”

On Children

On Saturday my son flies back to Washington, where he has resided with his dad for the last 2 years, and I am already sad.

Even though it ripped my heart out to let him go live with his dad, it has turned out to be a very good thing.  He is maturing, and growing into the amazing young man I always knew he had the potential to be.  He just had to get past the anger.

Knowing he is where he needs to be doesn’t make it any easier to let him go, but letting our children go, is what we, as parents, all have to do at some point.

Years ago, before I had my son, I read Khalil Gabrin’s ‘The Prophet’ for the first time, and was impacted by the part ‘On Children’, and it continues to resonate with me.  My son will always be my son, but he is his own person, with his own thoughts and feelings, and his own life to live, and I will continue to remind myself of this as he boards that plane on Saturday.

On Children
 Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

 

To My Son On His 15th Birthday

Son,

Today is your 15th birthday, and I’m very proud of the young man you’re becoming, but it doesn’t make me miss the little boy any less.

I miss your questions and your belief that I still had things to tell you, because it’s been replaced by you thinking you know it all and you have nothing left to learn from me, or the world.

I miss your smiles and your genuine joy at seeing me when I’d been away for short periods of time, because it’s been replaced by your seemingly nonchalant demeanor about us now being separated by miles.

I miss your little hand in mine and your excitement and readiness to go anywhere with me, as everything was always an adventure, because it’s been replaced by your attitude that nothing is ever much fun and you’d rather sit home and play video games or read.

I miss your snuggles and hugs and little boy smooches, because even now when you hug me you never squeeze me as tight as you did when you were little and uninhibited about showing affection.

But most of all, today I miss you because you’re halfway across the country and I can’t run into your room this morning yelling Happy Birthday and telling you once again about the day you were born and how it was the best day of my life.

Just so you know, I’ll always see that little boy every time I look in your face, even when you’re 40.

I love you!!!

Mom

 

 

Worth Every Penny

Gas money for a 7 hour drive to and from Colorado and a case of tired ass- $130.00

Accommodations for a 2 day stay, and food including fried pickles and tasty treats from a little French bakery  – $420.00

1/2 Day White Water Rafting Trip for 2 on the Arkansas River complete with a totally unplanned swim in said river – $125.00

Look on my son’s face as he tells me this is the most awesome trip ever and that he wants to do it again tomorrow – Priceless

DSC_4674

Practicing Acceptance

After 12 years I feel as if I have failed you.  I’m not claiming I was always the best mother, but I am the mother who will always love you the best, and love you the most.  But I feel like I have failed you.  I always thought I would be able to create another family for you.  I had hoped to do that–to meet a really great guy who was really good for both of us, one that would love you like you were his own.  One that would love you simply because you are a part of me, because that would be how much he loves me, and because he would know how much I love you.  But I didn’t do that, so I failed you.  After the third time, your dad finally got it right, and now you have a really great step-mom.  She doesn’t try to be your mom and replace me, but she is just a natural nurturer, and she’s good to you.  You like that family atmosphere that your dad’s marriage gives you, and I don’t blame you.  That’s all I ever wanted after my parents divorced.  I just wanted that family again; to be a part of something.  I wanted to get married, and have kids, at least a couple, and have that family.  But that didn’t happen.  The dream was nothing like the reality, and it was over before it started.  I feel like I can’t give you what you feel like you need right now, and that breaks my heart.  Up until now I haven’t ever felt that way.  I felt like the way things were was good enough.  I still felt like I was doing a good enough job, and that I was giving you everything you needed.  I don’t feel that way now.  Someday, you will understand why that breaks my heart.  Why every time I let the reality of you not being here slip into my waking brain, that it is physically painful for me.  Do you know what the worst part is?  I know that I have to learn to be okay with it.  I have to learn to accept it, or it will kill me.  And it won’t kill me quickly.  Doing what is right, and doing what is best, are usually some of the hardest things you will ever have to do in life, and in time you will come to realize this.  I just want you to know this is one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and it’s because I love you so much.

The Sickness

Just so you know, I’m not a good sick person. I have a hard time sitting still, unless I’m reading, or extremely inebriated. In my book, sick is no excuse, unless it’s the pukey, shitty, kind of sick.

We have “The Sickness” at our house. Thank goodness just the cold kind, not the pukey, shitty kind, because I still need to replace the second toilet! We call it “the sickness”, because years ago, when my son was around 4, he wasn’t feeling well, and Grandma asked what was wrong. He replied, “I think my mom gave me the sickness”, because I had just gotten over a cold.

My boy is still my baby, even though he is as tall as I am now, and 11 years old.  He will always be my baby, and is even more so when he doesn’t feel well.  It’s my chance to get more hugs, and his head on my shoulder.  I can sit still for that.

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