Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Archive for the tag “trust”

Semantics

The words will never come

when you want them,

and rarely show up when you need them.

The words were you.

You were never there.

While at the same time,

words were all you were.

Such a way with words you had.

It’s always the words that draw me in,

and do me in.

And it’s always the words that fail me.

And in sweet irony, it’s the words that save me.

Every damn time.

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Condensation

frozen

 

Your words

hang

suspended in the air

on the droplets of your hot breath

stuck in condensation limbo

never reaching my ears

it matters not

what you uttered

as you grab my cold hand

and warm my heart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life Goes On

You’re engaged, and my stomach didn’t drop to my knees when I found out.

I experienced a momentary twinge of jealousy that it wasn’t me, then I remembered you asking me to send you dirty videos last June, shortly after you and she had done the “grown-up” thing and announced your relationship on Facebook, and the jealousy flew out the window to be replaced with pity for her.

 

Pity, because you’ll do the same thing to her that you did to me, and all of the other women who came before us. Maybe, you’re already doing it to her.

Soon enough she won’t have all the strokes your ego needs.  Her arm will be tired from patting you on the back all the time.  Her throat will be sore from constantly having to tell you what a great guy you are.

So then you’ll go in search of someone else to fill you up because you’ve never learned to do it for yourself.

Warning Labels

warning

 

 

I lived in a walled fortress most of the time. . . with a moat. . .and a dragon.  But no knights.  My life doesn’t currently have, and has never had a knight, or a true partner.  Mind you, I know knights don’t exist in anyone’s world except Walt Disney’s, and truth be told, after the shit relationships I’ve subjected myself to, I should probably come with a warning label.

If any man ever happens to express interest in me again, here is what I would want him to read on my label:

  1. I don’t trust you. Most likely I will probably never fully trust you. If I come to trust you, it will be because you’ve backed up your words by deeds.
  2. Don’t ever think scaring me is funny.  It’s a trigger for me, and you might possibly be met with a slap to your face or a knee to the balls because I will feel as if I need to defend myself.
  3.  No yelling. EVER. Yelling sets off an immediate panic attack in me, and then when the yelling is done, I immediately dissolve into a puddle of tears.
  4. PTSD.  I have it, though I hate to admit it.  There’s no shame in having it, but I constantly try to minimize the situations I was in and deny that I have it.  It will rear its ugly head, and you will need to love me through it, or you will need to leave.
  5. Touch.  I will need to sense your presence before you touch me, or I will be startled, even if you’ve never put your hands on me in anger. I can be a very affectionate person, but it will take a little time.
  6. Jealousy.  Don’t get psycho jealous with me, because I’ve been there and I won’t do that again.  It is possible I might experience some jealousy and read something into situations which are harmless because I’ve been cheated on numerous times and lied to too many times to count.  See #1 for further clarification.
  7. Guilt.  Because I’ve been told numerous times that everything that goes bad in an asshole’s life is my fault, I still have a hard time believing that it isn’t, so I will always feel like shit is my fault.  I will always assume worst case scenario in every situation and will prepare myself for the blame, so don’t be an asshat–you own what’s yours, and I will own what’s mine, and we will forgive each other and move on.

 

I think this about covers the basics.  If you’re still here and have an interest in understanding more about me, then maybe you give a shit and you’re interested in sticking around.  If not, that’s cool too, and I get it.  The rollercoaster isn’t for everyone.

 

 

Battle Weapons

sing me to sleep

your arms wrapped around me

 

kiss my cheek

my brow

as passionately as you kiss my lips

 

show me that hands are made for kindness

and words are meant to elevate

 

and maybe, just maybe

my sharp edges will be smoothed

I will lay down my weapons

 

and allow you a glimpse inside

 

before you turn tail and run

 

Go With Your Gut

I am a fool for love. Or at least what presents itself as such.

The eye refuses to see what the heart doesn’t want to feel,

but the gut is like a built-in bullshit detector.

“SHUT UP!” I told my gut. “You don’t know what you’re feeling. You’re broken. I can’t trust you.”

“Oh but you can,” my gut said, “You just don’t want to trust yourself. And if you trust me, it would mean you have to trust yourself.”

So more importantly than trusting him, I decided to trust myself.

And guess what?

My gut was right. And so was I, although I didn’t really want to be.

intuition

BAGGAGE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You didn’t know me before. . .

Before
life seemed to drive me to be jaded, untrusting, wary, fearful

Marked now
with scars and bruises
some evident
others not noticeable to the naked eye

So much history
packed away
stashed
concealed
camouflaged and ensconced
in the baggage I carry
(we all tote something)

suitcase
duffle
backpack
carpet bag
steamer trunk

If you were to say to me,
“Set them down babe,
the burden of what you carry could cause Atlas to collapse from exhaustion,
take each item out when you’re ready,
I’m here to help,
I’m not here to judge”

And if I actually find the courage
to take out the key
and turn that key in the lock
and throw open the lid
would you really stand there
while I release my own type of Pandora’s boxed goods

Because if you did. . . .

I might need you to hold my hand
take my elbow to steady me
on my feet
when my knees threaten to buckle
from the weight
of some of it as I lift it out

I may need you to dry my tears
and pull me close
and tell me you appreciate
all the things I’ve carried
because they’ve made me who I am today

I may need you to crack jokes
so that I may laugh
to purge myself of all the negativity
and misconceptions
I’ve pulled from inside these vessels of wounds

I may need you to love me

Welcome To The Big Top

Desperately, she wanted to know how much he cared, because at times, her insecurities drove her to doubt everything.

Patiently, as always,

He replied thus,

My dear, if the circus came to town, I would don tights and a cape and climb the ladder all the way up to the tiny platform where I would then walk the tightrope without a net just for you.

To which she replied,

My dear, there would be no need to fear a fall, as I would be there to catch you.

He replied thus,

My dear, I would climb inside the cage with a lion and stick my head inside the fierce beast’s jaws whilst holding a greasy double cheeseburger between my teeth!

To which she replied,

My dear, after you removed your head from the lion’s jaws I would wipe the beast’s slobber from your pate, and kiss you on it.

He replied thus,

My dear, I would recite dirty limericks and sing you bawdy love songs whilst riding a unicycle and juggling knives.

To which she replied,

My dear, if you happened to drop a knife and cut yourself after hitting a bump, I would doctor your wounds with Batman band-aids and balance the unicycle while you got back on for another go.

He replied thus,

My dear, as you sit in your special reserved front row seat with the velvet cushion, I would have a corn dog and a funnel cake delivered to you so you could snack on them while watching me put on this show for you, my biggest fan.

To which she replied,

My dear, I would clap and wolf-whistle and cheer loudly, because I will always be the president of your fan club, and will be the first in line to buy a ticket to any of your performances, and always hand you a Route 44 Cherry Limeade when you are done.

He replied thus,

So, my dear, if you don’t now know how much I care, I might as well tear down the big top.

To which she replied,

Don’t you dare! It’s clear you adore me and my quirky ways, as I adore you and your quirky ways, and we have years of performances ahead of us!

 

 

big top

Sunday Mornin’ Comin’ Down

I went to church today.  Yes, I consider myself to be agnostic.  I am not sure what I believe in.  I believe there is some force at work in the world whether it be God, Buddha, just a general universal energy, whatever in the hell you want to call it.  I am a bitter, cynical bitch at times, but I am not so close-minded that I won’t venture out of my agnosticism and go to church.

I chose this particular church because The Zen Master goes there.  From the way he speaks of his belief in God, and how open-minded he was when he and I discussed religion, I figured I would go and try it.  Like I said, this guy has got me thinking.  Not only thinking about me, but also about my son and raising him to be a well-rounded individual.  I think it’s only fair I present religion to him, so he can make informed choices about his beliefs, and know there are many options out there.

I almost didn’t make it to church this morning.  My son and I were all ready to go, went out and got in the car, and nothing.  The damn battery was dead.  Now what the hell do I do??  I called The Zen Master–twice!!  He didn’t answer, and he didn’t call me back.  I called my mother and she came and picked us up and dropped us off.  On the ride over I thought maybe we shouldn’t be going, that maybe someone was trying to tell me something.  However, I am not usually one to listen to anything, or anyone, telling me not to do something when I have my mind set on it, so I didn’t listen this time either.  I do have to say I am glad I didn’t.

I would call this particular church “new age”, because they have a band and the atmosphere is very casual, which I can really appreciate.  I still wore a skirt today though, because I am always concerned with first impressions.  Everyone was very nice, and welcoming.  I was just amazed it didn’t rain fire and brimstone down on me as I walked in!  Truthfully, I know I am not a bad person.  I believe I am a genuinely good person.  I just feel really lost anymore though.  I am not content, and I have been seeking something to help me feel more peaceful, and more loving.  Trust me, I don’t want to lose my sarcastic side, but I also feel as though there is more out there for me.  I just don’t know how to go about finding the “more”.

I really enjoyed the pastor, but I couldn’t even tell you what his name is as I did not hang around to meet him.  I am very uncomfortable with things like that, and he actually touched upon that very thing in his sermon today.  He spoke of fear–fear of love imparticular, and trust.  These two things really hit home with me today.  So much so, that I found tears coming out of my eyes.  You know I didn’t used to be fearful of loving people.  I just did it, and if they didn’t love me back, it was okay.  I always believed that me loving someone never diminished me or made me look foolish, it just made me a loving person.  If a person didn’t want to accept my love, that didn’t make me stop loving them, I just loved them from afar and moved on.

And trust?  When was the last time I really, truly trusted someone?  I have major trust issues.  I can’t even fucking trust myself!  I feel like I have failed myself.  The pastor said today that religion can get in the way of your relationship with God–too many rules, and do’s and don’ts.  That right there is why I have so many issues with religion.  But how does it apply to me?  I have let my trust issues get in the way of my relationship with myself, and with other people.

I have a lot of work to do to get back that loving, happy person I used to be.  I don’t know what the future holds for me and this church.  I can’t say that I walked out of there a believer.  I can only say I walked out of there thinking I might go back.

 

 

 

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