Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Archive for the tag “religion”

Fat Tuesday

mardigras

 

Ash Wednesday

was merely you stamping out your cigarette

and me standing there watching

as the last of the smoke escaped your lips

unable to give you up

for any sort of ridiculous religious conviction

atheist or otherwise

my sins paled in comparison to yours

and left me feeling pious and righteous

never worried about whose left hand I would be sitting at

when all was said and done

the food and the fucking both taste so much better

when someone tells you you can’t have them

so pour your communion wine into the dip of my shoulder

my belly button

and drink of life’s blood

drown out the trumpet sounds drifting through the windows

and toss aside all the beads

our Mardi Gras will never end

 

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I Hope I Am Not You

I can’t take it. . .I can’t take one more day of it. . .people and their righteousness. . .believing their way is the only way and their ideals should be everyone elses. . . and morals where did the morals go. . .you said you’re a Christian. . .that’s what you claim to be. . . that’s what all those fucking memes you post say. . . and you lecture Christianity and “God’s love” only to turn around and judge and judge and judge. . . your fear is showing. . .your dirty, disgusting fear. . . turned outside in you feel the need to ejaculate your fear on everyone. . . you think you know so much. . . your anger drives you to a place you might not recognize. . .you think keeping them all at arm’s length will save you. . .how foolish of you to think the enemy doesn’t walk among us already. . .just send them there or there or anywhere but here. . .I’ll send money or clothes or anything but just don’t make me face my fears. . .but you don’t send money and you don’t send clothes. . .and you continue to live in your little house of fear while expecting the sons and daughters and mothers and fathers to keep your doorstep safe. . . to cast themselves upon your purported enemy. . .never once considering the fact they might not withstand what is dished out. . .to shine a light so you can try to block out the dirty filthy truth. . .which is that Americans aren’t all so nice and kind. . .and look closely because how many of you would turn a blind eye to murder and rape and the destruction of cultures. . . just because it might keep the wolf of fear at bay. . .look in the mirror and try to see the person you really are. . . try to see the person you might be if wars of religious righteousness were being fought on this red white and blue soil of ours. . .what would you do to protect the child you pushed from inside of you. . .where would you run when all doors close in your face. . . because you my dear are a filthy American and you are guilty by association

 

 

 

*The recent attacks on Paris and the plight of the Syrian refugees weighs heavy on my mind.  My Facebook feed has been bombarded with it, and people have sickened me with their rhetoric.  I spoke to a friend about it this morning, and walked away from the conversation more emotional and confused than I was before.  There are so many aspects of these issues, and conversations regarding them could go on forever.  I felt the need to write this and release some of the thoughts and feelings in me.  It’s not meant to be anti-American, or pro-Obama, or to enrage or incite.  It’s just meant to help me deal with the fact I must learn to live in a world, surrounded by people who can’t place themselves in another’s shoes, because they’re too angry and frightened to allow it. 

Sunday Mornin’ Comin’ Down

I went to church today.  Yes, I consider myself to be agnostic.  I am not sure what I believe in.  I believe there is some force at work in the world whether it be God, Buddha, just a general universal energy, whatever in the hell you want to call it.  I am a bitter, cynical bitch at times, but I am not so close-minded that I won’t venture out of my agnosticism and go to church.

I chose this particular church because The Zen Master goes there.  From the way he speaks of his belief in God, and how open-minded he was when he and I discussed religion, I figured I would go and try it.  Like I said, this guy has got me thinking.  Not only thinking about me, but also about my son and raising him to be a well-rounded individual.  I think it’s only fair I present religion to him, so he can make informed choices about his beliefs, and know there are many options out there.

I almost didn’t make it to church this morning.  My son and I were all ready to go, went out and got in the car, and nothing.  The damn battery was dead.  Now what the hell do I do??  I called The Zen Master–twice!!  He didn’t answer, and he didn’t call me back.  I called my mother and she came and picked us up and dropped us off.  On the ride over I thought maybe we shouldn’t be going, that maybe someone was trying to tell me something.  However, I am not usually one to listen to anything, or anyone, telling me not to do something when I have my mind set on it, so I didn’t listen this time either.  I do have to say I am glad I didn’t.

I would call this particular church “new age”, because they have a band and the atmosphere is very casual, which I can really appreciate.  I still wore a skirt today though, because I am always concerned with first impressions.  Everyone was very nice, and welcoming.  I was just amazed it didn’t rain fire and brimstone down on me as I walked in!  Truthfully, I know I am not a bad person.  I believe I am a genuinely good person.  I just feel really lost anymore though.  I am not content, and I have been seeking something to help me feel more peaceful, and more loving.  Trust me, I don’t want to lose my sarcastic side, but I also feel as though there is more out there for me.  I just don’t know how to go about finding the “more”.

I really enjoyed the pastor, but I couldn’t even tell you what his name is as I did not hang around to meet him.  I am very uncomfortable with things like that, and he actually touched upon that very thing in his sermon today.  He spoke of fear–fear of love imparticular, and trust.  These two things really hit home with me today.  So much so, that I found tears coming out of my eyes.  You know I didn’t used to be fearful of loving people.  I just did it, and if they didn’t love me back, it was okay.  I always believed that me loving someone never diminished me or made me look foolish, it just made me a loving person.  If a person didn’t want to accept my love, that didn’t make me stop loving them, I just loved them from afar and moved on.

And trust?  When was the last time I really, truly trusted someone?  I have major trust issues.  I can’t even fucking trust myself!  I feel like I have failed myself.  The pastor said today that religion can get in the way of your relationship with God–too many rules, and do’s and don’ts.  That right there is why I have so many issues with religion.  But how does it apply to me?  I have let my trust issues get in the way of my relationship with myself, and with other people.

I have a lot of work to do to get back that loving, happy person I used to be.  I don’t know what the future holds for me and this church.  I can’t say that I walked out of there a believer.  I can only say I walked out of there thinking I might go back.

 

 

 

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