I went to church today. Yes, I consider myself to be agnostic. I am not sure what I believe in. I believe there is some force at work in the world whether it be God, Buddha, just a general universal energy, whatever in the hell you want to call it. I am a bitter, cynical bitch at times, but I am not so close-minded that I won’t venture out of my agnosticism and go to church.
I chose this particular church because The Zen Master goes there. From the way he speaks of his belief in God, and how open-minded he was when he and I discussed religion, I figured I would go and try it. Like I said, this guy has got me thinking. Not only thinking about me, but also about my son and raising him to be a well-rounded individual. I think it’s only fair I present religion to him, so he can make informed choices about his beliefs, and know there are many options out there.
I almost didn’t make it to church this morning. My son and I were all ready to go, went out and got in the car, and nothing. The damn battery was dead. Now what the hell do I do?? I called The Zen Master–twice!! He didn’t answer, and he didn’t call me back. I called my mother and she came and picked us up and dropped us off. On the ride over I thought maybe we shouldn’t be going, that maybe someone was trying to tell me something. However, I am not usually one to listen to anything, or anyone, telling me not to do something when I have my mind set on it, so I didn’t listen this time either. I do have to say I am glad I didn’t.
I would call this particular church “new age”, because they have a band and the atmosphere is very casual, which I can really appreciate. I still wore a skirt today though, because I am always concerned with first impressions. Everyone was very nice, and welcoming. I was just amazed it didn’t rain fire and brimstone down on me as I walked in! Truthfully, I know I am not a bad person. I believe I am a genuinely good person. I just feel really lost anymore though. I am not content, and I have been seeking something to help me feel more peaceful, and more loving. Trust me, I don’t want to lose my sarcastic side, but I also feel as though there is more out there for me. I just don’t know how to go about finding the “more”.
I really enjoyed the pastor, but I couldn’t even tell you what his name is as I did not hang around to meet him. I am very uncomfortable with things like that, and he actually touched upon that very thing in his sermon today. He spoke of fear–fear of love imparticular, and trust. These two things really hit home with me today. So much so, that I found tears coming out of my eyes. You know I didn’t used to be fearful of loving people. I just did it, and if they didn’t love me back, it was okay. I always believed that me loving someone never diminished me or made me look foolish, it just made me a loving person. If a person didn’t want to accept my love, that didn’t make me stop loving them, I just loved them from afar and moved on.
And trust? When was the last time I really, truly trusted someone? I have major trust issues. I can’t even fucking trust myself! I feel like I have failed myself. The pastor said today that religion can get in the way of your relationship with God–too many rules, and do’s and don’ts. That right there is why I have so many issues with religion. But how does it apply to me? I have let my trust issues get in the way of my relationship with myself, and with other people.
I have a lot of work to do to get back that loving, happy person I used to be. I don’t know what the future holds for me and this church. I can’t say that I walked out of there a believer. I can only say I walked out of there thinking I might go back.