Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Archive for the tag “self-worth”

Whitewash

It all comes back to black

the color of rot and death

and a murder of crows

and of my insides

since I came across you

I want so much to shed the cloak of it

and experience other colors again

like red

the red of your blood

flowing from your nose

as my fist connects with it

gushing from your head

as the perfectly timed swing of my bat unites with your thick skull

dropping a trail from your bottom lip

as the back of my hand meets your lying mouth

but still

the red cannot compete with the black

so I wait for a source of light

to wash over me

and dilute it

and make it gray

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The Best Kind Of Valentine

I’m 8 years old and imagine the Valentine I receive from the cute boy in the class was specially made for me, but mine looks just like all the others.

I’m 17 years old and hope against hope they’ll call my name over the intercom to come to the office on Valentine’s Day because I know that will mean I got flowers or a balloon from a guy, but it never happens.

I’m 28 years old and my husband brings me flowers and chocolates and a card, but the words have no meaning because our relationship has been over almost since it began.

I’m 37 years old and my boyfriend buys me perfume and a balloon and he leaves it outside my door because I’ve kicked him out again, trying to break free of his emotional abuse.

I’m 47 years old and I buy myself a steak and a good bottle of whiskey and a funky new hair color to try because I deserve good things and every girl needs to be her own Valentine.

 

bee

Warning Labels

warning

 

 

I lived in a walled fortress most of the time. . . with a moat. . .and a dragon.  But no knights.  My life doesn’t currently have, and has never had a knight, or a true partner.  Mind you, I know knights don’t exist in anyone’s world except Walt Disney’s, and truth be told, after the shit relationships I’ve subjected myself to, I should probably come with a warning label.

If any man ever happens to express interest in me again, here is what I would want him to read on my label:

  1. I don’t trust you. Most likely I will probably never fully trust you. If I come to trust you, it will be because you’ve backed up your words by deeds.
  2. Don’t ever think scaring me is funny.  It’s a trigger for me, and you might possibly be met with a slap to your face or a knee to the balls because I will feel as if I need to defend myself.
  3.  No yelling. EVER. Yelling sets off an immediate panic attack in me, and then when the yelling is done, I immediately dissolve into a puddle of tears.
  4. PTSD.  I have it, though I hate to admit it.  There’s no shame in having it, but I constantly try to minimize the situations I was in and deny that I have it.  It will rear its ugly head, and you will need to love me through it, or you will need to leave.
  5. Touch.  I will need to sense your presence before you touch me, or I will be startled, even if you’ve never put your hands on me in anger. I can be a very affectionate person, but it will take a little time.
  6. Jealousy.  Don’t get psycho jealous with me, because I’ve been there and I won’t do that again.  It is possible I might experience some jealousy and read something into situations which are harmless because I’ve been cheated on numerous times and lied to too many times to count.  See #1 for further clarification.
  7. Guilt.  Because I’ve been told numerous times that everything that goes bad in an asshole’s life is my fault, I still have a hard time believing that it isn’t, so I will always feel like shit is my fault.  I will always assume worst case scenario in every situation and will prepare myself for the blame, so don’t be an asshat–you own what’s yours, and I will own what’s mine, and we will forgive each other and move on.

 

I think this about covers the basics.  If you’re still here and have an interest in understanding more about me, then maybe you give a shit and you’re interested in sticking around.  If not, that’s cool too, and I get it.  The rollercoaster isn’t for everyone.

 

 

Threadbare

pick

pick pick pick

at it

pull

pull it apart

threads woven

unraveled

destructed

ripped

yanked

frayed

tattered

holes remain

which you hope can be

patched

Your First Love

self-love

Self-love should be your first love. It should be your best love. But for so many of us it isn’t. We don’t speak kindly to ourselves. We are capable of treating others so good, of loving them with our whole being, in spite of their flaws, but to ourselves we speak harshly. We belittle, we demean, we are hateful, and destructive. If we don’t know our own self-worth, how can we expect others to treat us well?  We must nurture ourselves.  We must speak words of encouragement to ourselves.  We must love ourselves first.

Raise The Bar

standards

Photo Credit: rehabtime.org

Cock-Eyed Optimist

Photo Credit:  thesinglenester.com

Photo Credit: thesinglenester.com

Yep, that’s me. Always seeing the potential in a man. “A victim of my own optimism” on numerous occasions. I have high expectations of myself, and therefore tend to have high expectations of men I become involved with. I know. . . most of them never seem to live up to the expectations, but I continue to have them! Is this the same as believing someone can change? Yes, I think it’s very similar, and we all know we can’t go into a relationship with someone expecting them to change. I wouldn’t want someone to go into a relationship with me, and expect me to change, so it seems silly for me to expect that. And, I can sit around and say that I don’t expect them to change, that I like them just as they are, but when it comes to the majority of the guys I’ve been with in the last 12 years, that isn’t true. Really, there were these glaring things about them I knew I couldn’t live with, but I glossed them over with my cock-eyed optimism.

I need to remember what Maya Angelou says, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” The first time The Fuck Stick kicked me and left the bruise on my leg he showed me exactly who he was, and I didn’t believe him. The second time, when he pushed me down and I almost hit my head on the paving stones, he confirmed it, and I knew, but I ignored him. The third time when he cut my face open, and had his hands around my throat, all optimism went out the window, and I saw him for the total fuck stick he was(is!).

I want to be optimistic about love, but I don’t want to be foolish. I want to be strong enough to walk away from men when they show me they aren’t worthy of my time. If they’re not worthy, and I stay, it is out of a sense of desperation, and I’m not desperate. I don’t need to be desperate. I just need to be happy.

“You ain’t done nothing wrong. . .”

“. . .you’ve just been lonely too long.”  That’s a line from a song.  Maybe you know it, maybe you don’t.  Music sings my life–it always has, and it always will.  I could dig deep into my brain and come up with a song for pretty much every situation in my life.  That’s the song my brain pulled out tonight, because I am lonely.  I am lonely, and I feel stupid.  Dammit!  I just called myself stupid, and I said I was going to try being nicer to myself!  I would never think of calling anyone else stupid,  yet I call myself stupid all the time.  It’s unacceptable, and I need to stop.

Anyway, back to lonely.  Loneliness leads to sadness, which leads to self-pity, which leads to doubt, which leads to. . . .too much texting of The Zen Master.  Foolish girl!!  I say to myself. . .have you really stepped in it this time?  You’ve already worried once this week that you stepped over the line.  Thankfully, he didn’t think so.  But now tonight, it’s like you thought you needed to text all this shit to him to get a response?  A reaction?  Yes, both.  Both, because he rarely texts, and when he does it’s a few words, and usually not more than a couple of texts at one time.  So, did you just try to call him then?  Because when in doubt with him, you should always call him.  Yes, I tried to call, but he didn’t answer.  Lately when I try to call him he never answers.  Is it just bad timing, or is it something else?  So, you didn’t get the reassurance you were looking for?  No, I didn’t, so I texted him again.  And?  Still no response.  Hmmmm.  My son and I are supposed to go to his church tomorrow.  Wait a minute!  You don’t go to church!  Yeah, I know, long story, we’ll discuss it later.  Anyway, now I am feeling like maybe I shouldn’t go, but I told him I was coming.  But I also texted him and told him I was feeling like maybe I shouldn’t come.  Well, if you told him you were going to be there, then why wouldn’t you go?  Well, because I am feeling like an ass for all the text messages I sent him that went unanswered, that’s why!  I am tired of looking like an ass when it comes to men, and I am afraid I am going to wind up looking like an ass again!  Why do you think you always have to push past the point of reason?  You know if you would stop worrying about everything under the sun, you probably wouldn’t push past that point.  Yes, I am aware of this.  You’re not telling me anything I don’t know.  I just get on these tangents, and it’s like I can’t stop myself from the texting, because I want to know.  I want to know right now if he likes me, or if he wants to see me, or if he thinks I’m crazy, or pretty, or. . . .Fuck, it’s no wonder I don’t have a boyfriend.  Maybe I am certifiable.  Maybe, you just need to stop worrying so much about what he thinks about you.  Either he likes you or he doesn’t, and even if he doesn’t, you will live.  You have survived worse.  Much worse, in fact.  You know what?  It would be his loss if he doesn’t.  I might be my own special mix of bullshit and crazy, but I am an awesome person!  I am loving, and passionate, and I am creative, and funny, and I can cook a great meal and keep a house, and I can do lots of other cool shit.  So basically I just need to stop trying so hard, huh?  I need to stop acting like I need to sell myself to him all the time?  Yes, you do.  Be nice to yourself.  Plus, maybe he’s not even the guy for you.  Maybe he’s not good enough for you!  Remember your own value.  Stop selling yourself short.  Be kind to yourself.  You are a good person.  You have this amazing passion for all things you care about, and not all people will understand that.  If The Zen Master doesn’t get it, then he’s missing out, because you are capable of loving the shit out of him!

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