“You ain’t done nothing wrong. . .”
“. . .you’ve just been lonely too long.” That’s a line from a song. Maybe you know it, maybe you don’t. Music sings my life–it always has, and it always will. I could dig deep into my brain and come up with a song for pretty much every situation in my life. That’s the song my brain pulled out tonight, because I am lonely. I am lonely, and I feel stupid. Dammit! I just called myself stupid, and I said I was going to try being nicer to myself! I would never think of calling anyone else stupid, yet I call myself stupid all the time. It’s unacceptable, and I need to stop.
Anyway, back to lonely. Loneliness leads to sadness, which leads to self-pity, which leads to doubt, which leads to. . . .too much texting of The Zen Master. Foolish girl!! I say to myself. . .have you really stepped in it this time? You’ve already worried once this week that you stepped over the line. Thankfully, he didn’t think so. But now tonight, it’s like you thought you needed to text all this shit to him to get a response? A reaction? Yes, both. Both, because he rarely texts, and when he does it’s a few words, and usually not more than a couple of texts at one time. So, did you just try to call him then? Because when in doubt with him, you should always call him. Yes, I tried to call, but he didn’t answer. Lately when I try to call him he never answers. Is it just bad timing, or is it something else? So, you didn’t get the reassurance you were looking for? No, I didn’t, so I texted him again. And? Still no response. Hmmmm. My son and I are supposed to go to his church tomorrow. Wait a minute! You don’t go to church! Yeah, I know, long story, we’ll discuss it later. Anyway, now I am feeling like maybe I shouldn’t go, but I told him I was coming. But I also texted him and told him I was feeling like maybe I shouldn’t come. Well, if you told him you were going to be there, then why wouldn’t you go? Well, because I am feeling like an ass for all the text messages I sent him that went unanswered, that’s why! I am tired of looking like an ass when it comes to men, and I am afraid I am going to wind up looking like an ass again! Why do you think you always have to push past the point of reason? You know if you would stop worrying about everything under the sun, you probably wouldn’t push past that point. Yes, I am aware of this. You’re not telling me anything I don’t know. I just get on these tangents, and it’s like I can’t stop myself from the texting, because I want to know. I want to know right now if he likes me, or if he wants to see me, or if he thinks I’m crazy, or pretty, or. . . .Fuck, it’s no wonder I don’t have a boyfriend. Maybe I am certifiable. Maybe, you just need to stop worrying so much about what he thinks about you. Either he likes you or he doesn’t, and even if he doesn’t, you will live. You have survived worse. Much worse, in fact. You know what? It would be his loss if he doesn’t. I might be my own special mix of bullshit and crazy, but I am an awesome person! I am loving, and passionate, and I am creative, and funny, and I can cook a great meal and keep a house, and I can do lots of other cool shit. So basically I just need to stop trying so hard, huh? I need to stop acting like I need to sell myself to him all the time? Yes, you do. Be nice to yourself. Plus, maybe he’s not even the guy for you. Maybe he’s not good enough for you! Remember your own value. Stop selling yourself short. Be kind to yourself. You are a good person. You have this amazing passion for all things you care about, and not all people will understand that. If The Zen Master doesn’t get it, then he’s missing out, because you are capable of loving the shit out of him!