I’m impulsive, reckless. . .
Remember when I said I didn’t want to write about the new guy I had been communicating with because I was afraid I would jinx it? Well, I guess I should have just wrote away, because I think it might be over before it’s even begun! I have absolutely no clue what happened. Which, is quite surprising considering how much time I’ve been giving the whole subject over the last two days!
I am going to try and recap this whole thing as quickly as possible, so here goes. . . .I message him, because in his main profile pic he is dressed up like a clown, and I wonder what kind of guy this is, and think that he must be fun if he is willing to do this, and I am so tired of the same old douche bag guys on the Plenty of Freaks website. . . he almost immediately messages me back and we message back and forth for the better part of a day and a half, then he gives me his number, and says I can call if I would like. . .I loved the fact that he said to call him, and offered me his number, because I wasn’t planning on offering him mine. . .I don’t call him right away though, but I do text, and we text for another half of the day, and before he goes to get on the train—this is his job right now—he calls to let me know that he has to have his phone off while he’s on the train, and he just wanted to let me know so I wouldn’t think he was ignoring my texts. . . so what do I think?? well, of course I think–how fucking sweet is that?? Can’t remember the last time a guy was so courteous, and I literally about shit my pants because the guy has done this. . . .yes, I have been with some real loser men who weren’t very considerate. . . so that night, I go to bed wondering about this guy. . .we had really seemed to hit it off, and he actually calls to tell me this. . .maybe this might be something good, even though I know the odds aren’t in my favor. . .he gets on the train, I go to bed, and wake up to text messages in the morning. . .he can’t sleep, so we text while I am getting ready for work, and then we email during the day also. . . .he sends me a couple more pics, and then we talk on the phone again on my drive home from work. . . .he tells me there’s something he wants me to know–that he’s got PTSD(he is retired military and has been to Iraq more than once and numerous other places), but he says he wants to assure me that he is not violent, and that he doesn’t have anger outbursts, that it only affects his sleep. . . I am truly not surprised by what he has shared, and we discuss it a little more and move on, we talk about the fact he is separated, and not divorced yet, we talk about his kids, we talk, and we talk, and we talk, until he has to get on the train again. ..he sends a message in the middle of his train journey, and then I don’t hear from him again until nearly 4 the next afternoon, when he gets up and says he has slept almost that whole time, which doesn’t surpise me, because he takes medication to help him sleep, and he hadn’t slept well the day before…his schedule is not exactly conducive to developing a good sleep pattern, but he also seems to need a job that’s somewhat exciting after all the stuff he has done in the military–I think this is probably pretty common, especially with guys who have been in a lot of combat, or very stressful situations. . . .we talk and text on Friday night while he is at supper and having a couple beers with the railroad guys, we talk when he gets back to him room, we go to sleep, and I text him when I wake up, he replies, and then texts again while they’re waiting outside to get into the station, once he’s in, he calls and we talk while I drive a little over an hour. . .I am visiting friends, and he is going to watch football, and says he will be really focused on that, but then he starts to text me again. . .wants to know if I’m sure I don’t want to come see him since he is going to be in a little longer than he thought, I tell him I can’t, thought I want to. . .next day he is stuck in his “away” town, and thinks he will be there until Monday, so I tell him I am driving out there to meet him. . .this sort of freaks him out, and he wonders why I would drive 3 hours out there to meet him, because he says I don’t know him that well, etc, reminding me he is a former MP, and that I should be more careful. . . I tell him I am a smart girl, and am not planning on putting myself in a dangerous situation, and he says he would be more comfortable if I didn’t come, and would rather I wait, and he will drive to where I live to see me within the coming week. . .I agree this is probably more logical, we talk my entire trip home, about 1 1/2 hours, and everything seems fine, he keeps saying he’s sorry he told me not to come, and that he didn’t want to upset me, and I tell him to stop apologizing, because I appreciate the truth. . .I feel ridiculous about even considering it, but know that I totally would’ve done it, and he says he’s not like other guys in that respect, and I tell him that’s fine, because I’m pretty tired of the way most guys seem to think and operate, and I appreciate the fact he kind of put the brakes on the whole thing. . .we each go work out, and he grabs something to eat, and then I text him later to tell him something. . since he’s back in his room I ask if I can call him before he goes to sleep, and he says of course. . we end up talking for another hour, I tell him maybe too much stuff, about how I am guy-shy about men, and untrusting, and I even admit he is the only man I am talking to right now, because I want to see where this goes, and he says he understands. . .I am a little emotional, overtired, and should’ve shut my mouth, but it was already said, he tells me he totally understands, we say good night. . .I go to sleep that night not knowing when he will get back to his “home”, but I text him in the morning, get no reply. . . I text him a couple hours later asking if he is stuck “away”, and he says that he got home almost an hour before, and is going to the gym and going to get some sleep. . .I call since I want to talk to him before he goes to sleep, he seems a little rushed, and the next thing I hear some guy talking to him and he tells me he needs to go because his neighbor wants to talk to him. . .I text him later that evening around 8 asking if he is still sleeping. . when I get up the next morning he has returned my text about 10:20, saying, “not anymore, just got called for work”. . .that is the last time I have heard from him. . . yes I have texted a couple of times, yes I have tried to call a couple of times. . .this morning I called and actually left a message just asking what was going on. . .I told him I am quite confused by this, thought we had hit it off really well, and that I hoped he can be honest with me and let me know what’s going on. . . I don’t tell him that I am crushed, I don’t tell him that being the foolish dreamer and silly heart that I am I have cried. . .oh yes, I have cried. . .I know, stupid, huh? I have only known him a few days, and have never even met him in person, but it was just one of those things. . . I just knew it when we started talking that there was something there. . .one of those connections that only come along once in a great while. . . I thought it was going to be really good, and he seemed to reciprocate that with what he was saying, and now just. . . nothing. . . fucking nothing. . .and I don’t know how many more times I can do this. . .how many more times I can pick myself up. . .I usually keep that wall up, but I let it down and let him too close, and when I let him in, all my insecurities came flooding out. . .I am such a fool. . .have I pushed him away with my impulsivity, and recklessness and insecurities?? . . .