Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Archive for the tag “online dating”

Frogs and shit. . .

So you know the old saying about, “you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince”?  Well, in the world of internet dating, I think a lot of these guys must think the saying is, “you have to screw a lot of guys who aren’t looking for any sort of relationship before you find a prince”!  Grown ass men we’re talking about here!  Just think I’m going to put out for the hell of it?  I haven’t even met some of these guys, they haven’t even bought me a drink, and they think I’m just going to drop trou for them??

Here’s the scenario that spawned this thought in my head–been chatting with this decent looking guy from larger city about 3 hours north of me, fairly innocent conversation, no sexting or anything like that, only communicating through POF, have chatted back and forth for about a month or so, even talked about me going up there to visit in a couple of weeks, the other day I’m at work and we have messaged each other a couple of times, I was having a bad day, he sends me a message in the afternoon wanting to know how I’m doing, better I say, I ask what he’s doing, he says relaxing and taking nude pictures of himself, lets me know if I show him mine that he will show me his and gives me his phone number, I tell him I am at work, he says everyone has one on their phone, I tell him not me, he says go in the bathroom, I say this is work time not personal time, he is not pleased.

When I got home I sat down and sent him a message.  I told him if he was just on POF looking for sex that was cool, but why wasn’t he just honest about it?  He could have saved a lot of time and energy if he would’ve let me know that.  I am not in the habit of texting men I barely know pictures of my anatomy.   I thought maybe we would hang out and get to know each other before that was even a consideration.  Guess what?  I haven’t heard a word from him.

He was definitely a frog, and I didn’t even have to kiss him to find that out!



Adventures in Dating (Part 2 of 2)

First let me give you a little update.  You remember “M”  that I talked about in First Dates?  Well, I am starting to think there’s not going to be a second date.  Last time I had any contact with him was last Friday, and that was by text.   Of course that’s the way we always communicated, except by messaging and email when we first started talking.

Anyway, I am on the Plenty of Freaks today, checking some dumbass message, when I notice “M” is no longer in my inbox.  His pic and our whole thread of messages are gone.  WTF?  Did he delete his account?  And why?  So I text him, ask him why he’s deleted his account.  No response.  Told him I was wondering how he was doing since I hadn’t heard from him the last couple of days.  No response.  My final text to him was, “Getting the feeling you don’t want to talk to me anymore and wondering, if that’s the case, why don’t you just come out and tell me that?”  No response.  Really?  Are we fucking adults here??  Are we forty-something year old grown people who should be able to tell another grown person that they no longer want to have contact with them??  What the hell does he think I’m going to do??  The stupidity of it just amazes me.  The best thing I could think of to call him today was “uber-douche”.  So, another one bites the dust.  But, maybe everything happens for a reason. . .

Now, let’s talk about “The Zen Master”.  How do you like that nickname??  Really, it just came to my mind because of the way this guy makes me feel.  The Zen Master and I have been communicating for awhile–first through messaging on the POF, and then he gave me his phone number so I could text him.  He is not a great texter though, which is fine, and I think he actually prefers to talk on the phone.  Which is totally fine with me, because The Zen Master’s voice is amazing–like buttah!!  I noticed this the first time we talked on the phone.  It’s music to my ears, and when I hear it, it’s like I am instantly calm.

Anyway, I was actually starting to think The Zen Master and I might never meet.  He had some family issues he was dealing with, and some projects he needed to finish up, and he kind of started slacking in the communication department a couple of weeks ago.  I was really missing our messaging through POF, because we would do questions back and forth, and I had started being really intrigued by this guy and his mind.  After a few days of no communication, I wrote him a message, and just came out and asked if he’d decided he wanted to stop talking, and to tell him that’s what I was assuming, unless he let me know any different.  He wrote back and told me no, that wasn’t the case, told me about the family stuff, etc. and that he hoped he hadn’t turned me off by that.  I was so intrigued I told him that he hadn’t, but to just keep me posted on what was going on.  Everything kind of fell by the wayside for a couple of weeks, during which time I had the date with “M”, and that kept me kind of occupied during the post date euphoria and consequential crash a few days later.

About a week and a half ago I texted him just to see how he, and his mom, were doing, and he replied everything was better and we would talk more during the week.  Well, we texted a bit off and on, and then he actually called me one evening and we chatted on the phone for about 15 or 20 minutes.  Buttah. . .dammit. .. that voice. . .like music, like a fucking siren song I tell you!!  We decided we would try to make a plan and meet sometime over the weekend.  Original plan was Saturday, but that ended up not working, so Sunday rolled around and we talked again.  He asked if he could just come by the house.  I know—big no-no.  I warned him that I could be some black widow, crazy woman who kills men and buries them in the basement, but I guess I didn’t scare him, so he came over.  He was very cool about it and stood at the door and made sure I was comfortable with him coming in, and I said I was, so he walked in and properly introduced himself and gave me the biggest, best hug ever!  Then he made himself at home on my couch and we chatted for awhile about what we’d done the day before, and the issue with my daughter, and numerous other things.  We were both feeling nappy and I told him like to take naps on my floatie in the pool, and he said, “let’s get in the pool!”  He had shorts in his truck, and I was totally game and ran upstairs and got my suit on.  WTH??  I just threw a swimming suit on my nowhere near to perfect body and hopped in the pool with this semi-stranger and I was totally relaxed and more comfortable than I would be around a lot of guys I’ve known for years???  Holy shit. . .something isn’t right.  So we floated, and we talked, and we talked, and we floated, and he touched . . . my hand, and my leg, and he always wanted eye contact with me, and held my hand a lot of the time so I wouldn’t float too far away from him.  He said he was perfectly relaxed, and I told him I felt perfectly content, and it scared the shit out of me.  Oh Zen Master, you scare me.  You truly scare the shit out of me. . .how do you make me feel perfectly content and exhilirated at the same time. . . what have you done to me??  Do you have this effect on all women?  You definitely need your own post, so we will continue this chat later and I will talk more about The Zen Master.  I will leave you with a song that I was listening to earlier, which also makes me very relaxed and peaceful. . .and let my thoughts right back to The Zen Master. . .




Adventures in Dating (Part 1 of 2)

“iwantyourjuices”. . .”drivingfool”. . . “mrgdog”. . “PepeLepew”. . .”horny”. . .”platnumdikk” —Oh my god!  What am I getting myself into??  Do I really want to do this again?  I have never had much luck with it.  I converse with a few guys, and then never usually end up meeting them.  Do I want to put myself out there?  Yes, just do it, just look, see what’s out there.  Surely, some of these guys have to be decent.  You’re on here and you’re decent, so it only makes sense that some of them must be decent!

“I like movies cooking and making my own scented candles”—-Really??  You’re a guy and you like making your own scented candles?  You are going to have all the girls messaging you.  What do women, who like guys that make their own scented candles, look like??

“Hello, I am Bob. I am from (insert city here). I was wondering if you have a nice and smelly pair of feet that need massaging, kissing, and smelling? I also like to suck gently on the toes before slowly savoring my way upwards. If this appeals to your senses, let me know!!”—Totally grosses you out doesn’t it?  Makes you feel all kinds of skeevy?  Well, I guess unless you like having your toes sucked!  This people, is an actual message I received from a guy on the POF–which stands for Plenty of Fish, if you weren’t aware, or as I lovingly refer to it, Plenty of Freaks!

Let me tell you, the toe sucking thing?  Tame compared to some of the stuff I’ve gotten from 20-something year old guys!  They’re looking for cougars, wanting the hook-up, and I was just amazed.  Most of these guys were totally hot too!  What the hell do they want with me??  Experience, that’s what!  😉  Sorry about their luck, but I turned most of them down.  Except for this one really cute 29 year old.  He seemed like a really nice guy, and was kind of funny, so I met him, and we have hung out a couple of times.  I think 29 is lonely.  I get lonely too, so I understand.  Some days you just need a hug.

I told you I have had one date with Mr. M.  Right now I am not really sure where that stands.  I have texted him a couple of times over the last couple of days, but have heard nothing back from him.   I debate if I should just write him off, or if I should be patient.  I REALLY liked him!  He is funny, and we can talk about everything, and I feel like he accepts me just the way I am.  However, he doesn’t know everything about me, and I don’t know if he really wants to know me.  I say I debate writing him off, but I can’t.  I just can’t do it yet because I like him too much.  I will just wait and see what happens.  That does not mean I will not keep looking while I am waiting to see what happens.

Which led me to accepting a “meet for a drink” kind of thing with this other guy off the POF.  Which I would have gone to tonight, after work, but he cancelled on me.  Here is what he wrote me as his reason for cancelling, “But, I did see that other woman I was talking with on here again today and I really believe she and I have made a connection. While I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with a couple of near strangers having a drink together, somehow this doesn’t pass my “guilt test” and I know that if it’s something I really wouldn’t want to tell her about then it’s probably not something I should do.”  So first of all, kinda had to chuckle about this guy doing this, because this was just like something I would do!!  I tend to kind of put all my energy into one person before I even know if that person is worth any of my energy.  (I sooo would be doing this very same thing over Mr. M this very minute, if I wasn’t forcing myself to do the exact opposite of what I usually do!)  So, I told him that was fine, after messaging back and forth a couple of times I hadn’t been sure we had a whole in common, but I was willing to meet him.  However, I understood his not wanting to, and wished him luck with his new lady friend.  I also told him I appreciated him letting me know, instead of just not showing up, like so many other men might do!


Post Navigation

Sparklebumps: The Mother Version

Still histrionic, still a bookwhore; just faking competence because of my kid.


i've choked on my words for far too long


It's not the length of life, but the depth.

My musings

This is my mind, it’s not supposed to make sense.

The Phil Factor

Where Sarcasm Gets Drunk and Let's Its Hair Down

Fighting the Myth

Shining the light of truth on delusion

The Haunted Librarian

Researching, investigating, and writing about the paranormal.


You either get it... or you don't.


Inky blackness, a yawning void ~

Eye Will Not Cry

"Eye Fly High"

The Roar Sessions

A weekly series edited by Jena Schwartz

Beth Teliho

Read. Ingest the words. Like little blue pills, they will affect you.

kirilson photography

the stories behind the pictures, and vice versa


Just my thoughts for all to behold

Book Snob


Ann Oblivion Blog

🍃 Fully Living The Unfinished Things Of Life Through Writings. 🍃

Sweet Spell

A baking and dessert blog.

Daniel Aegan

Writer, Tarot Reader, Designer

Annabel Vita

a little bit of this and a little bit of that

Even at Your Darkest

Seeking Beauty Beyond the Scars

insert witticism

The home of Emma O'Brien

shatteredtalon's Blog

The musings of a scorpion who would have been an eagle


I blog now. I know, I can't believe it either.