Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Drunk Texting

So it seems really fun while you’re doing it, but the next morning you go back and read through your texts and decide most of the shit you said probably wasn’t the best shit to say.  There really should be a breathalyzer app where you have to blow in your phone, and if the thing reads even “slightly intoxicated”, it should shut down text messages to all your love interests on your phone.

But, go figure, my phone doesn’t have this fucking app.  So, you have the courtesy of sharing in my drunk text to The Zen Master tonight.  He’s in bed asleep, and probably hasn’t read them, but I am up, and a bit drunker than when I wrote them, so forgive the typos, etc.  Let me set the stage–I call him earlier today, just to let him know I am thinking about him, and decide to call him again this evening after I get home.  I tell him I am having a “pity party”, and I know that people aren’t usually invited to these, but the more the merrier, I have beverages and a fire pit, and come on over.  He doesn’t call me back.  I start the fucking party without him.  I take a picture of the fire burning, and the moon in the background, and send it to him.  Told him I was having the deluxe redneck pity party, complete with fire, moon in the background, and I can hear two footballs games from my backyard.  You gotta love that shit right?  I tell him I am considering getting drunk and blogging later. . .hot time in the old town tonight!  He answers both those texts with, “Sounds nice, I am off to bed”.  I text, “Can you call me?”.  Of course he doesn’t text back, and doesn’t call.

Well hell, let’s call him.  I call him, and am pretty sure he has shut off his phone because it goes to voicemail on the second ring.  I don’t leave a message and hang up.  I chastise myself for not leaving a message, and call back.  I leave a dumbass, rambling message this time, and tell him that I am not sure what’s going on, I have offered him an invitation and he told me he was going to give me an answer by tomorrow night but hasn’t responded, so I am not sure what’s going on, and. . . on and on and on. .. what the fuck did I say???  And as if that wasn’t bad enough, I send him a bunch of fucking texts, because I think I can’t seem to get my message across by speaking.  So, the following is the actual text messages I sent him:

I know that was the longest, most rambling phone message you’ve probably ever received.  I express myself better through writing I think, but still say too much when I could say less (no shit, just wait until you see how long this goes on!)  Here’s my deal, said without fear, because I have had a couple beers. . .I like you, & I am really interested in getting to know you, I feel drawn to you for some reason & don’t know why.  I am sorry if that bothers you, but I haven’t felt drawn to a guy for years & it’s only happened a couple of times. . .wasn’t even drawn to my ex-husband.  Probably one of the reasons my marriage didn’t last!  Anyway, I am quite aware you probably don’t feel this way, & I don’t expect you too.  And, it’s not that I expect you to make me a priority or anything, I just want to know if you’re aware this is what I am thinking?  Also, I would kind of like to know what you’re thinking too. .. if you want me to back off, if you’re seeing someone else, if you’ve decided you’re not interested (do you like the way I give him excuses for his behavior?  I am such a good enabler!)  whatever the reason, I just wish you would share it with me. . .I can hear anything you have to say, I just can’t stand it when you don’t talk. . .plus, there’s something about your voice that totally soothes my soul and makes me feel content (which is so fucking true). . .I know I am all kinds of crazy, but I am loving, & fun & creative & passionate & a million other things! 🙂  (Why am I trying so hard to sell myself to this guy??)  Oh, and impatient… I would really like to improve on that, but it’s so hard, especially with the passion thing in there it’s damned near impossible.  I am also quite aware I am a total pain in the ass, because my friends tell me that all the time, but I am sooo totally worth it! 🙂  (more drunk selling)   .. . .There should be a drunk text shut off on this phone!!  LOL

Will he find it humorous?  Will he think it’s stupid, fucking crazy?  Hell, I don’t know.  After a couple of beers I am probably even more honest than when I am sober.  Feel sorry for the people who have to hear about any of my feelings whe I’ve had more than a couple of beers.  Well, I guess now that would include all of you, because I have had more than a couple.  And if you’ve had more than a couple, don’t even think about picking up that phone and texting some dude!  Go to bed!!  That’s exactly where I am going!


P.S. Sorry for any typos or grammatical errors.




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One thought on “Drunk Texting

  1. breathalyzer on your phone is absolutely something they should invent!!!

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