The rumble of the thunder reminds me
that I used to be fierce
I felt the fire in my belly
and I was strong and unafraid
How long has it been now
since I was that person
I can’t recall
She still resides within me
and rears her head
now and then
only to disappear again
when the anxiety returns
Photo Credit: http://www.mindmapinspiration.co.uk
Things I have been thinking about, or rather, obsessing about, lately:
–Do things happen for a reason?
–Is there such a thing as synchronicity/serendipity?
–When was the last time a man told me he loved, and really meant it?
–Where is my “big love”?
–What is my purpose here?
–How do I get happy?
–How do I begin to live with no excuses and no regrets?
–Why does the universe bring me something I have been asking for, and then keep it at an arm’s length?
–Is love at first meeting possible?
–Where do I go from here?
–Why do I forgive people so easily?
–Or is it forgiveness, or do I make excuses for them and their behavior?
I have been trying so hard to get out of my head, because all of the thinking is driving me crazy. And with the thinking comes the feeling, and the feeling all of it is nearly destroying me. I have always been one to feel things too deeply, and I often wish I didn’t. I just want to get to the other side of this current chasm I am experiencing. Problem is, I’m just not sure how to climb out of it.
What happened between then and now to make me this way? I was just thinking that I don’t remember ever worrying about whether my ex-husband, before he was my husband, would show up for something, or whether he would call. I am sure I got excited thinking about him calling, and even wished for him to call, but I don’t think I was anxious about it.
Something happened between then and now. I would like to think if I figure out what happened, that I could change it, but I don’t know if I can. My trust in men has been demolished. I wonder if there’s a man in this world who is worthy of my trust. How will I know if he’s worthy? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe, because I can’t seem to trust myself–my judgement, my reactions to certain situations–maybe I will always remain anxious.
I feel like a thread. Pulled so tightly between two points. There is barely any give on it when the wind hits with a gale force. How can the string remain so taut for so long?
Why can’t I relax and let things progress at a natural pace? We had a great first meeting, and all I can wonder is if he will end up cutting contact off with me. Why is this one different? Why does it constantly bring me to the verge of tears, or past the brink? I would never want him to see me like this, so weak, so vulnerable. Why did I open myself up to him the way I have? What was it about him? Other men may have had glimpses, but for him my heart is on my sleeve. I am exposed and not comfortable with it. I try to express my feelings to him, but get tongue-tied and feel like I’m not getting my point across.
I overanalyze. I subject myself to what-ifs, and make up shit in my head when I don’t know what the reality is. Oh god, what is he thinking?
I don’t know what’s wrong with me today. I have no focus. I can’t keep my mind on anything for a length of time. I tried to get on some painting projects and I can’t even stay focused long enough to put some damn spray paint on something!! I called The Zen Master this morning. I hadn’t talked to him since Wednesday, so I took a deep breath and pushed the damn button on the phone. I get all kinds of nervous and shit when I go to call him. I don’t understand it. I can be cool any other time, but when it comes to men I am a total nerd. Don’t get me wrong, I can work it, I can flirt, do all that stuff, but when it comes to really putting myself out there, I feel like a total loser. You know what it is? I think I like him. I think I might be able to really like him. I liked the way I felt when I was with him. I liked the way he made me think. So now I feel greedy, like I want to feel that great all the time. That’s not his problem though. I am not his problem. At this point he hasn’t really decided how much time he wants to spend with me, so he’s not willing to carve out much extra time for me. Which, at some point will present a problem if he really is interested in getting to know me. I will just leave you with a small tidbit of what my ADD brain is like. Right now, my head is doing this crazy shit to me:
So, he says he’s interested in getting to know you, but is he really interested in getting to know you? Doesn’t do any good to say it and then have no time to actually do it. When is he going to be willing to do it? And why are you always so damn willing to give up your time for a man? Do you just want it more than he does? Are you always more interested than the guy? Do you think about this shit too much? Why can’t you just let it go and do something else, think about something else? What is wrong with you that you get obsessed with this kind of shit? He told you the other day pretty much what he was doing the rest of the week, and this morning he told you what he was doing. Do you not believe him? Do you have any reason to doubt him? Do you think he’s lying to you? No, I don’t think he’s lying. . . my gut isn’t telling me he’s lying, so fuck you head!! Is he going out of town to see some other woman?? So maybe he is. What if he is?? Well, if he is I hope he thinks about me the whole time. I hope he thinks about how wonderful he thinks I am. Well, he doesn’t know me that well, so how can he think I’m wonderful? Is he interested in finding out how wonderful I am? He’s going to have to spend time with me if he ever wants to know how great I am.
Yep. Welcome to my fucked up world. Aren’t you glad you’re not me??
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