Strings and Things – A Bit of Rambling
What happened between then and now to make me this way? I was just thinking that I don’t remember ever worrying about whether my ex-husband, before he was my husband, would show up for something, or whether he would call. I am sure I got excited thinking about him calling, and even wished for him to call, but I don’t think I was anxious about it.
Something happened between then and now. I would like to think if I figure out what happened, that I could change it, but I don’t know if I can. My trust in men has been demolished. I wonder if there’s a man in this world who is worthy of my trust. How will I know if he’s worthy? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe, because I can’t seem to trust myself–my judgement, my reactions to certain situations–maybe I will always remain anxious.
I feel like a thread. Pulled so tightly between two points. There is barely any give on it when the wind hits with a gale force. How can the string remain so taut for so long?
Why can’t I relax and let things progress at a natural pace? We had a great first meeting, and all I can wonder is if he will end up cutting contact off with me. Why is this one different? Why does it constantly bring me to the verge of tears, or past the brink? I would never want him to see me like this, so weak, so vulnerable. Why did I open myself up to him the way I have? What was it about him? Other men may have had glimpses, but for him my heart is on my sleeve. I am exposed and not comfortable with it. I try to express my feelings to him, but get tongue-tied and feel like I’m not getting my point across.
I overanalyze. I subject myself to what-ifs, and make up shit in my head when I don’t know what the reality is. Oh god, what is he thinking?