Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Vodka Drink Leads to Untitled Post

I don’t do resolutions. In fact, I’m not really doing New Year’s at all, unless you want to call buying the “good” vodka a big celebration. Here’s the reason I don’t do resolutions–because I break them. Fact is, I feel like a big turd dipped in glitter most of the year anyway, so making a resolution and then not keeping it, kind of just adds to my issues. Basically it makes me feel like a turd with a lot of the glitter worn off.

I got to thinking tonight, (who knows, maybe it was the good vodka) of some of the things I would like to have in 2013. Here is my list of what I want the universe to bring to me in 2013:

1. More sex. That’s right, I want to get laid more often. Hell, I just want to get laid!! Seriously, I love sex. Would I like to be able to have lots of rockin’ sex within a great relationship? Yes, that would be ideal. So if the universe can bring me all of that, it would be much appreciated.

2. Time. I want just a goddamn minute. I want a minute to be able to complete a task, without feeling like I have to steal time from other shit.

3. Vacation. Really? In almost 6 years I have not taken off more than 2 days in a row. Could you give me a fucking break? I need to stop being such a workaholic, and being loyal to a company who couldn’t give two shits about me and mine. Fuck you people, I am taking some time off in 2013.

4. Laughter. You can never have enough of some shit in life, and laughter is one of those things. And if it comes along with #1, in a relationship, that would be the ultimate.

5. Satisfaction. I think this is an impossibility. I don’t think I can ever be satisfied. Can I be content at some point? Yes, I think if I have lots of #1, #4, and some of #2 and #3, I can be content. But if I reach a place of satisfaction, I would imagine I would give up trying to do better, and that’s just not me.

6. Built-In Asshole Indicator. When you’re dating I think this is a must! At the very least, I just would like the ability to know sooner, rather than later, that a guy is a total douche and a waste of my time. I am kind of a hard ass when it comes to the dating thing though, because shit like penis size really matters to me, which means I am probably a shallow bitch.

7. Readers. Don’t get me wrong, I am fucking happy as hell that I have as many followers as I do! I by no means, think I am that funny, or witty, or sarcastic enough, to garner the readership I do have. You who read, obviously see something in me I fail to see in myself, so thanks for wearing those fucking beer goggles 24/7. Keep reading and send all your friends too.

8. More shit. Like I said, I am never satisfied. I am satisfied that this year has almost come to a close. It flew by. I hope you get some shit you want in 2013.

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15 thoughts on “Vodka Drink Leads to Untitled Post

  1. I also do not do resolutions. Just wish for unrealistic stuff that I will only get if I get lucky. So why work for stuff, when luck just might happen?

  2. Relax, I think mark Zuckerberg is working on an “Asshole Indicator”

  3. What, there is no app yet for #6 yet?

  4. I have never done them either. Though there are always things I plan to do or want I never say “this is my resolution for the year”

  5. FBG,
    #4 will bring all of the above to your doorstep. Except for an asshole indicator. You might have to go buy that one at Best Buy. Post holiday sales right now. Keep that in mind.

  6. Hilarious blog! I’m hoping you get lots of sex in the New Year… fuck, wouldn’t we all like that? Also.. the asshole indicator…if you find that, could you send it my way? I’m currently working on a Momma’s Boy deterent for myself. 🙂

    • Thanks so much for the compliment!! My goal in life is to make someone piss themselves laughing. So far, I have made someone spit out beer, and a mouthful of some sort of sustenance, so I think I am on my way! One sure-fire way to tell you don’t have a momma’s boy, is if a guy hates his mother, which might indicate he’s an asshole! hahaha I am starting to believe they all come with some sort of baggage, you just have to figure out what sort of luggage you want to deal with! 😉

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