Fat Bottom Girl Said What

Fat Bottom Girl’s All Male Review 2012

As we begin a new year, I am taking a look back at my personal All Male Review 2012. The year started out well. . . .

But quickly turned into. . . .

Just kidding!!  Like I could even hope to hook up with a midget!  Sorry, “little person”.  Whatthefuckever!!  When they advertise the wrestling gig they call it “Midget Wrestling”, because “Little Person Wrestling” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.  But once again, I am off the subject, damn ADD.

This should be simple, because the list is pretty short.

1.  I started out the year with a “booty call”.  BC2012 was actually a guy I used to hook up with about 25 years ago, and I ran into him on POF.  He has less hair, but still a pretty rockin’ body, and we still had the killer chemistry we had when I was 18! We actually started hooking up again in Novemer of 2011, but it carried over into 2012. I was fairly satisfied with the arrangement, even though I am looking for a long-term gig. At the beginning of the summer I had a male friend from high school come to visit me. I took him to the club I usually go to, and BC2012 was there. I thought BC2012 was there with a chick, and texted him, because he hadn’t acknowledged me when he came in. He finally texted me back, and was irritated that I would think he was with her, because she was the wife of his buddy. I told him sorry, tried to talk to him later in the evening, and he told me he was so mad at me that he couldn’t talk to me. And he stayed mad. . . until last night, when I texted him and told him Happy New Year, he replied back, I admitted to him I miss the sex, he told me he misses the blow jobs. When I get up this morning, he had texted me about the time the bar was closing telling me he wanted a blow job. Typical.

2. “Mr. IamsofullofmyselfallIcantalkaboutishowmuchweightIhavelostandhowmuchIworkout” – this was a POF guy who was quite charismatic and funny. Of course he is in marketing, so he has the gift of gab. We hit it off, and corresponded for a couple of weeks before meeting. He came to the town I live in, planned the date, and was even polite enough to ask if he could pick me up at my door, or if I would prefer to meet elsewhere. He is around 46, and has been married twice, with 3 children, one of them grown and out of the house. I tell you this, because I think it is relevant to dating at my age. Anyway, it was hotter than love outside, but we went to a car show, then to a bar for beers and burgers afterward. Conversation was easy, had a lot of laughs, had numerous things in common. He brought me home, came in and I showed him some of the work I have done on my house, we had a chaste kiss, he told me he would really like to see me again, and left. We texted for a few days after, then it began to slack off, until it trickled to nothing. He took his profile off POF for quite awhile, then I noticed the other day it is back on. WTF?

3. Randy – hell I might as well use his real name, because you all don’t know who the hell I am, so what does it matter?? Sometimes the alises are just fun to make up though. This guy and I corresponded back and forth for awhile, and finally ended up meeting on a Sunday, shortly after my date with #2. I actually was very comfortable talking to him on the phone, he seemed very serene and had one of those voices that make you feel very calm. We were going to meet for a drink somewhere, but I just invited him to my house and we floated around in my pool while drinking a beer. Great conversation, laughs, . . .which then led into the same sort of almost non-existent texting thing, and then into the great void of nothingness again.

After these two I took a long break. I didn’t know if I wanted to do the internet thing anymore. It seemed like it took up a lot of my time, and never led to much of anything beyond a first meeting. But, even though I am one of the most sarcastic, pessimistic bitches I know, I can’t give up on trying to find my match. Back into the infested waters of POF I go.

4. Enter MP. I call him this because he is a retired MP. Talk about click! This guy and I clicked on all levels. Plus, bonus, he was also a phone talker, and not just a damn texter. I don’t mind texting, but I do enjoy talking on the phone. Maybe it’s generational thing. Anyway, we met in the middle of October, and had a wonderful evening. Lots of laughs, and we could talk on numerous topics. I knew he wasn’t divorced yet, and only separated, but he told me he had been separated for quite some time, and his intention was to get divorced. We got cozy in his truck, but it was quite chaste. We talk on the phone the next morning on his way to work, a couple of texts that night, then nothing. This one really bothered me. Too much click to end up in nowheresville, but it did anyway. I hid my profile, and it is still hidden. His also mysteriously disappeared shortly thereafter, only to reappear listing him in another city, he travels for work, but also as divorced instead of just being separated. I didn’t believe it, so I went digging. I knew there was no way he was divorced in just over a month. He had told me tons of information, and the internet makes it easy to find out lots of things, like the fact that he is still very married!! At least according to Facebook. His wife’s page is wide open, and she was visiting him in the new town he’s working in. Disappointment.

5. Currently texting with a guy from another town, who I may or may not meet. He is younger than me, and has never been married and has no kids. Hmmm. . .don’t know if that would work or not. I think he is just looking for an extended hook-up. We’ll see what happens. I don’t spend much time on it.

6. Cowboys are my downfall. Oh wait, so are military guys. Maybe it’s just men in general! hahaha Either way, I hooked up with a cowboy last Saturday night. I am not in the habit of picking up men in the bar. . . .anymore. I haven’t done the bar hook-up for years, and I have no idea what possessed me last Saturday night. I think it was a mixture of bourbon and dimples. He was cute and he talked like a damn cracker. No shit, the guy says, “gooder”, and when he does it in that little drawl, it’s cute as hell. But, this is where that question of “Does size matter?”, comes into play. Mind you, I don’t know that I will ever hang out with this guy again, and I don’t even really know him very well, so the question probably doesn’t need to be answered at this point. We didn’t exchange numbers, but I did message him on the FB. He is just cracker enough, that he only got a FB account about two weeks ago, and barely knows how to work the damn thing. But, I also left a note in his door with my number on it, and haven’t heard a thing. Don’t judge!! I was alone on New Year’s Eve, and he’s fun to hang out with!!

So, there it is, my All Male Review of 2012. I am sure there are women who have more impressive years than I do, considering all of mine result in a big batch of nothing. I can only hope that next year’s review, is a really short list. You know, like I will meet the man of my dreams at the beginning of January and won’t have to bore you with stories of my almost non-existent dating adventures!!