A Lifetime Lease
He dwells in the past as if it’s a house he’s rented with a lifetime lease. I ask him why he does it, why he can’t let go. His answer? “I have.” But it’s quite obvious he hasn’t. He harbors resentments, anger, ill will. They all rear their ugly heads at one time or another: when he speaks of his parents not supporting his bull riding dreams, when he speaks of being laid off from a job in 2006 which pays more money than what he makes now, when he speaks of women who left him years ago, and most often when he speaks of the mother of his son kicking him out, because it’s the freshest and in the forefront of his memories.
He still carries a picture of him and his son’s mother in his wallet. It bothers me. We only have one picture of the two of us together, and it’s not a good one. She still has her own ring-tone on his phone. As far as I know, I don’t have a special ring-tone on his phone. When we go to pick up his son, or drop him off, I have to wait somewhere else and can’t be in the car. Should these things bother me? Am I being shallow? Am I being juvenile? The truth is, some days it really bothers me, and other days it doesn’t bother me at all. These things are no reflection on me as a person, but it does worry me that these things are having an influence on our relationship.
A friend told me last night not to let it bother me, because it’s not that he can’t let go of her specifically, it’s just that he “can’t let go of the past” in general. I think she hit the nail on the head. Many of us have things we can’t let go of, whether they be people, situations, feelings, addictions. We all have to deal with them in our own way, in our own time, and let go of them when at last we decide the burden of toting them is too great. I know one thing though, it sure makes me glad I have a forgiving nature. I can’t imagine carrying around that much anger for that long. It must be exhausting.
You know the saying : people are here for a reason, a season, or a lifetime? The older I get the more I accept that it’s not always about the life lessons that I’m supposed to learn, but rather the lessons I was sent to teach.
Selflessness is not the same as martyrdom. If you can support your friend on his journey by being a living, breathing example of surrender, he will remember the lesson in a critical way.
It’s wonderful hearing your voice again. Xoxo.
I can only hope I have life lessons to teach; I feel like I do. I agree with what you said about being a living example. He has already changed the way he reacts to her, after I suggested he try not reacting to her in anger. He is surprised that she continues to act the same, but seems to be quite proud of himself when he remains calm when dealing with her. So, maybe I can count that as one lesson shared.
I can’t guarantee I am back on a regular basis, but it was good to put something down on paper. 🙂 Glad you visited!
What’s up, woman? I haven’t heard from you in a bit so I hope all is well. Is your son off living with his dad yet?
Hey Don! Yes, I have been keeping a low profile. I have been trying to get through a rough patch, and have withdrawn from blogging, even though I still try to read a bit every day and comment. My son is living with his dad, and now it is my turn to do the every other weekend visit. In fact, I will have him this weekend for a long weekend, and am very much looking forward to it. He usually spends the majority of the summer with his dad, so this is nothing new. Always tough to make the transition from seeing him every day to only seeing him every couple of weeks though. I miss him terribly and am just trying to keep busy. Hope you are well also!
Reading this made my heart hurt. Poor guy. I’ve been guilty of holding onto anger and grudges too, but nothing like this. I hope he lets go of some of it, at least.
I do too Madame Weebles!! I try so hard to let things go, but sometimes past hurts come into play in the present and fuck things up!
Some of us hold onto so much baggage there isn’t room for anything new. Carrying a photo of one’s ex and child in a wallet seems like he longs not for a specific person, but for the relationship he had. Too much time spent on missed dreams and portions of dreams that were left. It’s easy to do, especially if you’ve secretly decided not to try again.
I do have to say that even this last year when my ex and I took our son trick or treating for the last time, since he is now past the trick or treating age, I still found myself wishing things could’ve been different. I am guessing this is how he is feeling too, he has basically said as much, but has trouble putting his feelings into words. I try to keep these things in mind, and not let my feelings enter into it. I do want him to let go of some of that old shit to let new stuff in. 🙂
I try to keep all my bitterness on the blog and not around the kids or family. i think it works pretty well.
He is very “low-tech”, and a country boy. He has no desire to have a blog, and has trouble putting his feelings into words. I know sometimes my “wordiness” drives him crazy, but I can usually help him say what he is feeling.
It’s been my experience that letting the anger go is the only way it will ever let go of you. As long as it’s got you in its grip, you’ll never be the person you want — and need — to be.
I wholeheartedly agree Ned, I just don’t think he has quite figured out how to let it go. The first step is figuring out why you’re angry, and I think that I am helping him open up the dialogue to discuss some of those things.
Think of yourself as a “life mediator” so to speak. It sounds like just what he needs to figure things out. Your getting him to open up and talk about it is huge. Good for him. And you.
I hate admitting that I struggle with the whole “lifetime lease!” My track record with letting go just isn’t all that great! lol This post really made me think about some things. I’m glad that you are posting more…I’ve missed your posts…and you ♥
Thanks Kira!! Hope you got through your rough patch! 🙂
I hold grudges…there are certain things from my past which I have struggled for years to let go of, daddy issues, exs etc I think its natural sometimes to wonder what it would have or COULD have BEEN like with an ex or just by taking a different path….that being said I dont agree with the photo of someone else in his wallet… grudge or no grudge…difficulties letting go or not… i dont understand why he would WANT a photo of him and an ex in his wallet, its not going to help anything and its not going to ease your insecurities is it? Have you asked him about it? Have you told him that clutching on to that whilst with you isnt sending out very good vibes as far as your relationship goes? xB
I guess we all let things go in our own time. I try not to dwell on the fact he carries that photo around. I have told him how I feel about it, but it’s up to him to let it go when the time is right. He isn’t with her, he is with me. I can’t control what pictures he carries in his wallet, just like I can’t sit around and worry about how may, or may not, be texting him, etc. I don’t want to feel the need to have that kind of control over a person. It takes too much energy.