Fall-Out
I sit in the Wendy’s, seated so I can see the parking lot of the convenience store next door. It’s like I am an undercover cop waiting for a drug deal to go down. It’s nothing close to that illicit, it’s simply the exchange of a child from dad to mom. Even though The Cowboy and I now live together, I don’t participate in the exchange. Does it bother me that I can’t be in the car when he meets his son’s mother to pick up or drop off? Not really. I have been down that road, and remember the whole situation being extremely uncomfortable, when newly divorced, my ex and I would make the exchange. My ex and I have been past that for quite some time, and co-parent our son quite effectively, but that comes with the passing of years, and released anger, and often, with new love.
For some reason though, today the waiting bothers me. It bothers me as she steps out of the vehicle in a dress. I wonder about the dress. Is she wearing it for The Cowboy? Or has she come directly from seeing a new man in her life, and it was worn for his benefit instead? My mind begins to race, swirling with insecurities; once that particular tornado starts, it is nearly impossible to stop. I watch The Cowboy place his son in his mother’s backseat and strap him in. The Cowboy’s son has lit up the house for the last week with his laughter, and his voice, as only the wonderment of a 4 year old can do, and I will miss him.
The hour and 15 minute ride home feels much longer, as I try not to let The Cowboy see my insecurities, or hear them when I open my mouth to speak. I keep trying to tell myself in my head that I am good enough, that I am just as pretty, or prettier, than her, that I am more educated than her, that I have a better job, that I own my own house. But none of those things matter in this card game, because she trumps me every time. She is the mother of his child; his only child. I am just the girlfriend.
I eventually speak to The Cowboy of my insecurities. He has sensed them, but didn’t ask about it. He does what he can to reassure me. He tells me again, he has no desire to get back together with her, he is just trying to keep the peace with her, for fear of her withholding visitation of his son from him. I tell him I understand, as I have seen how inconsistent she can be. I never want to come between him and his son. I would never do anything to jeopardize their relationship.
So I shall wait.
At the Wendy’s.
As long as it takes.
For two individuals to heal themselves.
In order the be the best co-parents to their son they can be.
Bye Bye Love – The best movie I have ever seen about how heart-wrenching raising kids after divorce can be. But it also lets you know that love can heal all.
Fat Bottom Girl Said What 
I have been there. Boy, have I. Step-parenting is tough, but before you’ve ever reached that status, ‘girlfriend’ is tougher.
You don’t want to interfere and you want to honor his relationship with both his child and the mother of the child, but sometimes it takes every little bit of self-control, every last ounce of your strength to step back and stay there. And yes, those insecurities, baseless though they may be, are there in the back of your mind, living rent-free.
Eventually, like you say, things improve.
But boy, for that time before the improvement…let me just say I never want to go back.
Great post. Thank you.
Thanks for replying! Glad to know I am not the only one who has been in this spot. 🙂
Did you order anything from Wendy’s? That’s kind of the best part and you seem to have left it out completely.
Oh shit Don!! lol Aren’t you dieting?? You must be HUNGRY!! I ordered a 99 cent Coke Zero. When I do eat at Wendy’s, I eat low carb and order 2 junior cheeseburgers, minus the buns.
Lol. I’m not really dieting. Not yet anyway. Trying exercise first.
We have a lot of people who make the exchange at the police station so that peace is semi-guaranteed. How sad is that?
EXTREMELY SAD!! That’s why I just try to stay out of it. Life shouldn’t be a battleground. 🙂
LOL Yeah, he’s dieting and exercising! He even took many walking trips to his fridge while getting his beer…right? LOL
I actually LOVE Wendy’s and miss it so much.
I walk to the cooler for my beer. . .nothing better than an ice cold beer. . .well, as long as it isn’t Bud Light Lime!! lol
It’s possible to eat low carb at Wendy’s, I just don’t eat out all that much. Too many temptations!
Don, you crack me up.
I have to admit that while I don’t personally have experience with this, my brother-in-law has a similar issue. And his ex is a vindictive B who will do anything just to be contrary.
At least you recognize the emotions it raises in you. Keep staying strong. It’ll get better.
Thanks! And thanks for reading and commenting!!
Ugh. Those feelings would have me diving headfirst into the Frosty machine. The Cowboy is lucky that you are so understanding, even if you feel anxiety and insecurity about the ex. I hope he helps to make you feel more secure about your own place in his life.
At this point I’m not really sure what my place in his life is, because he has never verbalized it. It seems like “I’m just supposed to know”, because he lives with me, and goes into public with me. I guess in the life of a cowboy, if they take you to a rodeo, with their kid, then maybe you’re kinda special?? lol
Dating a divorced dad (maybe moms, too, I don’t know) is the hardest thing I have ever done and I think it’s especially difficult if it’s still a contentious split. Unfortunately, my experience has been that it brings out the worst in everyone (including myself, ick) and the best in no one. At least you guys are talking it through…
Yes, dating with kids is rough, especially if the parents can’t be amiable. I try to stay out of it as much as I can, but it’s impossible to stay out of it completely. I absolutely adore his son, and just hope that his mother with stop using him as a pawn.
Hopefully she won’t poison him against you… trust me, now THERE’S some fun…. luckily he is still young and her efforts to do so would be lost at the offering of a popsicle and a hug. 🙂
Oh god, I hope not. . .that would be horrible, because he is a delight to have around! Hopefully she’s not that evil.
You’re prettier and smarter. I can tell.
🙂
Ugh…that is always hard. I’ve been on both sides of the fence. The one with the insecurities and the one causing the insecurities! Wouldn’t be nice if it could just be simple. I’m glad you talked to him about your concerns. And I know that you are prettier and smarter!! ♥
I guess I caused some insecurities in my ex’s ex-wife. Can’t say I feel a bit bad about that, considering he cheated on me with her. lol
I am not sure “simple” is in my vocabulary!! 😉
I’ve been there, my ex had a child and he and the mother couldnt stand each other, she would drop him to us and then they would get into a TEXTual argument about stupid shit for the whole time we had him with us. its was awkward and uncomfortable and just no communication between them (other than the nasty words) she would demand him to be there at the drop of a hat and for a long while we had no life of our own. I ended up stepping in..sorry being dragged in…and became a bloody mediator for them!
It turns out she had been weary of me being around their son as she didnt know me and assumed him and I had only just met (in fact we had known each other 8 years by that time so I knew him better than she ever did) She was also quite jealous that their son loved me and I cared for him like he was my own (within reason of course not ‘hand that rocks the cradle stylie lol) Once she got to know me there was a lot less hostility and it meant she would pass on the info ie potty training and routine to me rather than him meaning they got on better too.
Knowing her relieved MY insecurities too, I think any woman connected to another womans child is always going to have those to some extent because its true – the CHILD IS always going to come before you…but she shouldnt have to. Yes he will always care for her to an extent, yes he will go running if shes ill and the child needs to be cared for, yes she has the power to mess up your weekend but shoulders to cry on and anything like that are not necessary. I often used to assume they would get back together or like she was trying to piss me off but we actually became good friends and again that eased those thoughts. Like you said its much better that they get along but there are still clear cut boundaries which – if crossed- you are allowed to speak up about. xx
I think at some point I need to meet her, and that it’s only fair. As a mom, I have always wanted to know who is involved in my son’s life too, especially when they’re that small. I get the pure joy of just being his buddy and hanging out with him, because he already has a mom, so I really get the best part of it!! 🙂 Thanks for commenting!!
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