The old mind fuck. A little game I like to play with myself. Been playing it for years, and I’ve had a big round of it going today! I had debated whether to write about it or not, because of the reason I’m doing the mind fuck. Yes, it has to do with a guy, but for some reason I’m feeling kind of superstitious about not writing about him. I know, sounds weird, but I have this silly notion that I might jinx it if I write about it on here. The reason is, because he seems so fabulous. I would stress the “seems”, because I haven’t even met him in person yet. His work schedule is quite hectic, and we are trying to figure out a time.
The mind fuck began last night. Now mind you, this was after he and I had spoke on the phone at least twice yesterday, for at least two hours. Didn’t make any difference though, because I had told him something that made me feel exposed and vulnerable. And the mind fuck begins. I guess at the basis of the mind fuck is self-esteem issues, which have been around for years, but are really still in excess since I only seem to be able to have relationships with guys who cheat on me, or who are emotionally abusive, which leads to trust issues, which is what led me to blabbering on like an idiot to him last night. I really don’t want this guy to think I’m a total nut job and that I need medication, but I think a man who “seems” to be the genuine article and a potential partner needs to know a few things about me. So I have told him about the abusive ex, and I have told him about the cheating exes, and he seems very understanding of where I am coming from when I tell him my wariness about certain situations. But, it still starts the mind fuck for me. Even considering a relationship, even with a guy who “seems” amazing, is a source of extreme anxiety for me. I don’t want to be this way, but I don’t know how to stop it!! Why can’t I just enjoy it? Why do I have to start the constant barrage of questions in my head about why he hasn’t texted enough, or why didn’t he call right when he got off work?
It’s all kinds of crazy, because I had a life before he came along, and he had a life before me too. I have to continue to live my life, and he has to continue to live his. If it’s going to work, we will figure out a way to mesh them together. I have to stop the old tapes in my head. He is not the men that have come before. He is his own person, and I have to allow him to be whatever he is. I do hope what he is, is the wonderful man he’s shown me so far.
I have to remember that I am a wonderful woman, and he would be lucky to have me. I have to remember I am a competent, smart, talented, humorous, sexy, strong woman, and to stop acting like some simpering little bitch. Basically, I need to remember that I am a fat bottom girl and I need to rock it!