Yep, that’s me. Always seeing the potential in a man. “A victim of my own optimism” on numerous occasions. I have high expectations of myself, and therefore tend to have high expectations of men I become involved with. I know. . . most of them never seem to live up to the expectations, but I continue to have them! Is this the same as believing someone can change? Yes, I think it’s very similar, and we all know we can’t go into a relationship with someone expecting them to change. I wouldn’t want someone to go into a relationship with me, and expect me to change, so it seems silly for me to expect that. And, I can sit around and say that I don’t expect them to change, that I like them just as they are, but when it comes to the majority of the guys I’ve been with in the last 12 years, that isn’t true. Really, there were these glaring things about them I knew I couldn’t live with, but I glossed them over with my cock-eyed optimism.
I need to remember what Maya Angelou says, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” The first time The Fuck Stick kicked me and left the bruise on my leg he showed me exactly who he was, and I didn’t believe him. The second time, when he pushed me down and I almost hit my head on the paving stones, he confirmed it, and I knew, but I ignored him. The third time when he cut my face open, and had his hands around my throat, all optimism went out the window, and I saw him for the total fuck stick he was(is!).
I want to be optimistic about love, but I don’t want to be foolish. I want to be strong enough to walk away from men when they show me they aren’t worthy of my time. If they’re not worthy, and I stay, it is out of a sense of desperation, and I’m not desperate. I don’t need to be desperate. I just need to be happy.
Whoever said places like Lowes and Home Depot are good places to meet a man is just a big, fat liar!! My son and I ventured to one of these types of locations today and were sorely disappointed in what we saw. Is it wrong of me to get my son involved in this? Don’t jump to conclusions and think that I just bring any Tom, Dick or Harry around my kid right off the bat. I don’t do that!! However, I told him I wanted to do a little experiment today and scope some dudes at the store. He was totally up for it. He was quite nonchalant about it too, and didn’t point and comment about any of the guys in the store. He waited until we had loaded up our purchases and were headed out of the parking lot before he said, “Mom, all those guys in there were kind of grimy.” Most of them were also quite married, or old, or had HUGE guts, or a combination of all those things. I am going to call a big strike-out on this experiment. If my son, who can barely remember to brush his teeth without a reminder, can look at a guy and think they’re grimy, then I’ve got to agree with him. So, guess it’s on to plan C, or is it fucking F or J by now? I have lost track.
By the way, I have decided not to post an ad on Craigslist for a date for my Christmas party. Here’s why–I perused the ads on there this morning, and I would have to say Plenty of Freaks (POF), is actually a step up from the Craigslist personals. Now that’s really not saying much, but the farther you can get away from neanderthals, the better. I prefer men who can put a sentence together.
So I get it, men and women have two different styles of communicating. Women communicate and men don’t. Okay, so that wasn’t exactly fair. Let’s say men communicate long enough to get a woman hooked and then they’re done, and the woman is left wondering what happened to stop it.
Guys, be sure and chime in here if you think I’m wrong about this. This is something which is quite perplexing to me and I am always up for learning more about the male mind and what makes it tick. Let me just throw a scenario at you—new guy, been talking almost two weeks, finally met last Friday night. We have touched on numerous subjects, and he has shared many, very personal things with me. This surprised me at first because he was so open, but I can roll with it. I tend to have that effect on people, and I figure the more comfortable he feels sharing things with me, the better off we are if this is headed towards “relationship” status.
Anyway, lots of personal information, seems very honest, etc, we meet last Friday night and the chemistry was all there in person too, and we even touched on being open to exploring a relationship. I talked to him Saturday morning before he went to work, we texted a bit on Saturday night, I sent him a text on Sunday, to which I received no reply, and called him and left a message. Basically, I haven’t heard from him since Saturday night. I’m thinking WTF?? Is this normal? We totally click, and agree on this fact, even in person all the chemistry is there. (For those of you who internet date, you know that sometimes you can click over messages and texts, but have no chemistry in person.)
I am at a loss. I am now refusing to text him, or call him. Yeah, I’m really tough like that. Oh, hell! Who am I kidding?? This guy seems so great that when he does get ahold of me, I will probably act like it’s no big deal that he hasn’t talked to me for days. Which to him, maybe it isn’t a big deal. Maybe he doesn’t think anything of it. He does have an extremely demanding job, which he is on call for and usually only gets about 12 hours between shifts. Friday he managed to not get called in, so he hopped in his truck and drove the hour and fifteen minutes to come meet me in person. I am in no way making excuses, I just know how guys can be extremely one-track minded.
I do think this guy likes me and is interested in me, so why am I getting so freaked out by the lack of communication? At my age I don’t really want someone up in my shit all the time, and I am sure he feels the same. Plus, we aren’t officially dating at this point, so should I expect him to have daily contact?? Maybe I only expect the daily contact because I got that the first week. Seriously, if I’m dating someone, then yes, I do expect to have daily contact with them. But for now I think this thing is supposed to be casual, though I think if we were about 15 years younger, we would be so up this shit it would be unbelievable!!
I am going to attempt to play it cool. He is aware I am quite interested in him, and I believe the feeling is mutual. At this point what more can I do? I have to stand back, let go of my control issues, and let him take the lead. He is the man after all. And what a huge, smokin’ hot, hunk of a man he is!! 😉
Like I said—please comment and let you know what you think!! I would love to hear everyone’s opinions!
So along with the, “should I get busy with a younger man” question floating around in my head, there is also the, “should I sext, or not sext” question. Yes, this has come up because of the younger man. For lack of a better term, let’s just call him Fuckalicious. You will have to trust me on this one, he truly is. Of course I really have a thing for guys with dark hair and blue eyes, and nice bodies, but maybe that’s not your type. Who am I kidding? He’s pretty much every girl’s type! This is why I question what he wants to do with me??
But, back to the sexting issue. This came up AGAIN, because of Fuckalicious. I have sexted in the past. The first time I ever sexted was when I was in a relationship with a guy. It started out as just text sexts, but soon escalated to pictures. Keep in mind we only sent pictures to each other AFTER we had seen each others’ naughty bits in person. So, I was totally blown away the other morning when Fuckalicious sends me a pic of his man tool, in all it’s glory! We had texted each other for the first time the night before this, and were flirty, but I was quite surprised this had escalated quite so quickly.
So then what does he want? A picture from me. I tell him I am at work, and can’t send anything like that, but try to appease him with a couple different shots, one of me in a pin-up pic, fully clothed of course, and another one from the lake this summer. He replies that these are “yummy” and “sexy”, and we text back and forth a little more. Later that day, he hits me up after work, and wants me to send him a pic. I am on my way to my son’s soccer practice, and tell him this. I try to engage him in some texting, and ask him a couple of questions, but he doesn’t answer until later in the evening, telling me he was at practice. I ask him what kind of practice, but he never answers. The next morning I decide I will send him a picture of my tits. I think I have pretty good tits for a 43 year old, but am still nervous considering he’s only 30. I don’t just show my tits to everyone, but they are just tits, so. . . .I send it, and he sees it when he gets up. To which he replies “yummy”. (I didn’t say he’s a genius with a great vocabulary, I said he’s smokin’ hot! You can’t have it all!)
He wants more. Well, shit, he can’t be appeased with a tit picture, he wants a pic of the nether regions. I tell him I can’t send him that because I don’t even know for sure what his name is. He tells me it’s Mike, and I still call him Fuckalicious in my mind. I am at work, so I buy some more time with that. I text him a couple of times throughout the day, he doesn’t respond. In fact, he doesn’t respond until late yesterday afternoon, that he’s still waiting for the picture.
I text him last night, and explain a couple of things to him. One, that I am not in the habit of sending men I barely know pictures of my cooter, and two, I want to know what the pay-off is going to be for all of this. I’m sorry, but at this point in my life, I want to know what the fuck I might be getting out of all of this! Is this just supposed to be let’s sext each other, and then you have pics to whack off to, or is this work actually going to end in post-coital cuddling after a 3 hour sex marathon?? Because if it’s not the latter, forget it! Does that sound selfish? Maybe so, but I let him know that being in my 40’s, I know what I want, I know what I like, and basically that I’m not interested in doing a bunch of work, and using a bunch of my precious time doing all of this, if there’s no pay-off! I’m all for having a fuck buddy, or a friend with benefits, especially when it’s a smokin’ hot 30 year old, but really?
It is now Sunday morning, and I haven’t gotten any sort of reply from him. It is quite possible I will never hear from him again. That’s too bad, because he is quite “fuckalicious”!
First let me give you a little update. You remember “M” that I talked about in First Dates? Well, I am starting to think there’s not going to be a second date. Last time I had any contact with him was last Friday, and that was by text. Of course that’s the way we always communicated, except by messaging and email when we first started talking.
Anyway, I am on the Plenty of Freaks today, checking some dumbass message, when I notice “M” is no longer in my inbox. His pic and our whole thread of messages are gone. WTF? Did he delete his account? And why? So I text him, ask him why he’s deleted his account. No response. Told him I was wondering how he was doing since I hadn’t heard from him the last couple of days. No response. My final text to him was, “Getting the feeling you don’t want to talk to me anymore and wondering, if that’s the case, why don’t you just come out and tell me that?” No response. Really? Are we fucking adults here?? Are we forty-something year old grown people who should be able to tell another grown person that they no longer want to have contact with them?? What the hell does he think I’m going to do?? The stupidity of it just amazes me. The best thing I could think of to call him today was “uber-douche”. So, another one bites the dust. But, maybe everything happens for a reason. . .
Now, let’s talk about “The Zen Master”. How do you like that nickname?? Really, it just came to my mind because of the way this guy makes me feel. The Zen Master and I have been communicating for awhile–first through messaging on the POF, and then he gave me his phone number so I could text him. He is not a great texter though, which is fine, and I think he actually prefers to talk on the phone. Which is totally fine with me, because The Zen Master’s voice is amazing–like buttah!! I noticed this the first time we talked on the phone. It’s music to my ears, and when I hear it, it’s like I am instantly calm.
Anyway, I was actually starting to think The Zen Master and I might never meet. He had some family issues he was dealing with, and some projects he needed to finish up, and he kind of started slacking in the communication department a couple of weeks ago. I was really missing our messaging through POF, because we would do questions back and forth, and I had started being really intrigued by this guy and his mind. After a few days of no communication, I wrote him a message, and just came out and asked if he’d decided he wanted to stop talking, and to tell him that’s what I was assuming, unless he let me know any different. He wrote back and told me no, that wasn’t the case, told me about the family stuff, etc. and that he hoped he hadn’t turned me off by that. I was so intrigued I told him that he hadn’t, but to just keep me posted on what was going on. Everything kind of fell by the wayside for a couple of weeks, during which time I had the date with “M”, and that kept me kind of occupied during the post date euphoria and consequential crash a few days later.
About a week and a half ago I texted him just to see how he, and his mom, were doing, and he replied everything was better and we would talk more during the week. Well, we texted a bit off and on, and then he actually called me one evening and we chatted on the phone for about 15 or 20 minutes. Buttah. . .dammit. .. that voice. . .like music, like a fucking siren song I tell you!! We decided we would try to make a plan and meet sometime over the weekend. Original plan was Saturday, but that ended up not working, so Sunday rolled around and we talked again. He asked if he could just come by the house. I know—big no-no. I warned him that I could be some black widow, crazy woman who kills men and buries them in the basement, but I guess I didn’t scare him, so he came over. He was very cool about it and stood at the door and made sure I was comfortable with him coming in, and I said I was, so he walked in and properly introduced himself and gave me the biggest, best hug ever! Then he made himself at home on my couch and we chatted for awhile about what we’d done the day before, and the issue with my daughter, and numerous other things. We were both feeling nappy and I told him like to take naps on my floatie in the pool, and he said, “let’s get in the pool!” He had shorts in his truck, and I was totally game and ran upstairs and got my suit on. WTH?? I just threw a swimming suit on my nowhere near to perfect body and hopped in the pool with this semi-stranger and I was totally relaxed and more comfortable than I would be around a lot of guys I’ve known for years??? Holy shit. . .something isn’t right. So we floated, and we talked, and we talked, and we floated, and he touched . . . my hand, and my leg, and he always wanted eye contact with me, and held my hand a lot of the time so I wouldn’t float too far away from him. He said he was perfectly relaxed, and I told him I felt perfectly content, and it scared the shit out of me. Oh Zen Master, you scare me. You truly scare the shit out of me. . .how do you make me feel perfectly content and exhilirated at the same time. . . what have you done to me?? Do you have this effect on all women? You definitely need your own post, so we will continue this chat later and I will talk more about The Zen Master. I will leave you with a song that I was listening to earlier, which also makes me very relaxed and peaceful. . .and let my thoughts right back to The Zen Master. . .
“iwantyourjuices”. . .”drivingfool”. . . “mrgdog”. . “PepeLepew”. . .”horny”. . .”platnumdikk” —Oh my god! What am I getting myself into?? Do I really want to do this again? I have never had much luck with it. I converse with a few guys, and then never usually end up meeting them. Do I want to put myself out there? Yes, just do it, just look, see what’s out there. Surely, some of these guys have to be decent. You’re on here and you’re decent, so it only makes sense that some of them must be decent!
“I like movies cooking and making my own scented candles”—-Really?? You’re a guy and you like making your own scented candles? You are going to have all the girls messaging you. What do women, who like guys that make their own scented candles, look like??
“Hello, I am Bob. I am from (insert city here). I was wondering if you have a nice and smelly pair of feet that need massaging, kissing, and smelling? I also like to suck gently on the toes before slowly savoring my way upwards. If this appeals to your senses, let me know!!”—Totally grosses you out doesn’t it? Makes you feel all kinds of skeevy? Well, I guess unless you like having your toes sucked! This people, is an actual message I received from a guy on the POF–which stands for Plenty of Fish, if you weren’t aware, or as I lovingly refer to it, Plenty of Freaks!
Let me tell you, the toe sucking thing? Tame compared to some of the stuff I’ve gotten from 20-something year old guys! They’re looking for cougars, wanting the hook-up, and I was just amazed. Most of these guys were totally hot too! What the hell do they want with me?? Experience, that’s what! 😉 Sorry about their luck, but I turned most of them down. Except for this one really cute 29 year old. He seemed like a really nice guy, and was kind of funny, so I met him, and we have hung out a couple of times. I think 29 is lonely. I get lonely too, so I understand. Some days you just need a hug.
I told you I have had one date with Mr. M. Right now I am not really sure where that stands. I have texted him a couple of times over the last couple of days, but have heard nothing back from him. I debate if I should just write him off, or if I should be patient. I REALLY liked him! He is funny, and we can talk about everything, and I feel like he accepts me just the way I am. However, he doesn’t know everything about me, and I don’t know if he really wants to know me. I say I debate writing him off, but I can’t. I just can’t do it yet because I like him too much. I will just wait and see what happens. That does not mean I will not keep looking while I am waiting to see what happens.
Which led me to accepting a “meet for a drink” kind of thing with this other guy off the POF. Which I would have gone to tonight, after work, but he cancelled on me. Here is what he wrote me as his reason for cancelling, “But, I did see that other woman I was talking with on here again today and I really believe she and I have made a connection. While I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with a couple of near strangers having a drink together, somehow this doesn’t pass my “guilt test” and I know that if it’s something I really wouldn’t want to tell her about then it’s probably not something I should do.” So first of all, kinda had to chuckle about this guy doing this, because this was just like something I would do!! I tend to kind of put all my energy into one person before I even know if that person is worth any of my energy. (I sooo would be doing this very same thing over Mr. M this very minute, if I wasn’t forcing myself to do the exact opposite of what I usually do!) So, I told him that was fine, after messaging back and forth a couple of times I hadn’t been sure we had a whole in common, but I was willing to meet him. However, I understood his not wanting to, and wished him luck with his new lady friend. I also told him I appreciated him letting me know, instead of just not showing up, like so many other men might do!
Yeah, I know it’s a Bonnie Raitt song, and a kick ass one at that, but, it’s also very true. I want to fall in love, and I want to be in love, and I want a man to be in love with me. I tend to make bad decisions when it comes to love. My brother tells me all the time my “picker” is broken because I don’t seem to choose very well. And I can be impulsive about it, and quite impatient. I guess it’s because I want it so badly.
Which leads me to telling you about how I got my jets cooled today. I know, strange expression, but it’s one of those things my dad has always told me, “cool your jets”, and it was the best euphemism I could come up with to explain how I felt. It’s pretty close to having the wind knocked out of my sails, and it has made this day go agonizingly slow.
So over the last few days, soon after the “afterglow” wore off, I have kind of been feeling like this guy that I went on the date with on Sunday, let’s just call him Mr. M, has been really slowing down the communication. Prior to the date, it was texting all the time, and questions back and forth, and fairly long answers. After the date, it was not so much texting, and very short, sometimes one word answers. So, the longer it went on, the more anxious I got. And I got this feeling almost like I was bothering him when I would text him. So, I cut back on the texts drastically during the day, and only texted in the evenings. The evening texts were a bit short too, so I kept having that feeling like I was being a nuisance to him or something. So, last night, I just came out and asked the question. . .I wanted to know if he had thought about our second date. Yep, stepped in it. I am guessing in the “rules of dating” guide, that this must be one of the big fuck-ups. But how would I know, because I don’t date!! And he didn’t text back, just long, awkward silence, so I texted him this morning to ask if I had said something wrong. He said nope. But, I didn’t stop there. I went on to tell him that I didn’t know how this dating this is supposed to go, and that I’m not really sure what I am supposed to be doing at this point. . .yeah, I know, stupid!! And I asked him if he could just tell me what he’s thinking.
So this is how he answered crazy (crazy being me!): “Look. . . I liked you. .. we had a nice date. . .when I have time again. . .I would like to go out again. . .I’m busy this weekend and Sat of next. . beyond that. . .I don’t know what to tell you. I’m in no hurry. . sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear”.
So I told him I appreciated his honesty, and I apologized for not having any patience, and I told him it was the best date I have ever had. What I should have said was it’s the best date I’ve had so far. . .because it appears as though it won’t be my last. Maybe it was the last one with him, and maybe it’s not, but either way I can’t rest on my laurels. I can’t let the bastard get me down, and I have to keep believing there is a man out there just for me. And I do have to have a little bit of patience. Is it possible that just like anything else, dating takes practice?? That thought is quite depressing. . . Sing it Bonnie, and I’ll really try to listen this time. . .
Yep, more than just lyrics to a song, it’s what I’m feeling like over here. As I sit here over-analyzing absoutely everything now since the date. I wasn’t doing this before, so why do I have to do this now?? Anyone?? Can you throw me a bone here and let me know why?? I am sure it has to do with the expectation thing, but for christ’s sake, how do I stop? Sometimes that’s why I hate the texting thing, because you text, and it takes them forever to answer back, so you wonder why it’s taking so long, is it because they’re texting someone else, or are they just ignoring you, or. . . .see what did I tell you? Crazy bitch! I have been trying to not text him so much, but I want to talk to him, I want it to be just like it was before the date. But it’s not going to be like it was before the date, because we have met, and that changes everything. I can only hope that it changes things for the good. I know I am obsessing over this whole thing, but this is one of the few outlets I have to get rid of these thoughts. Can someone just take the fucking phone away from me?? Take it away Buck Cherry. . .
So remember the afterglow I just wrote about last night? Well, for me it doesn’t last long. I think about the time I got up this morning it had disappeared. And the reason I think it disappeared is because of expectations. God, what a dirty word. . .say it quietly, so no one will hear you. . .expectations. Shhh. . too loud!! You can’t let him know you have expectations at this point!! Right now you shouldn’t even be expecting him to set up the second date with you even though he has said he wants to see you again! What the hell is wrong with you?? You’re not expecting some sort of commitment from this guy are you?? After one date? NO!! I am not expecting a commitment, I am only expecting him to drop everything else in his life when I text him something funny or sarcastic I thought of to tell him, and immediately text me back, and be at my beck and call, and always telling me how he can’t wait to see me again, and, and,. . . .oh shit. . .I must be fucking crazy!! What is it I really expect from him, and what the hell is wrong with me? Why do I always run straight at a dude I like, just like a puppy going for a sliding glass door only to hit it and get knocked back into reality? I am a little high strung, and get excited easily. . .kind of like, “oh, shiny thing, I must have it”. . .but really?? I am 43 years young and I should be able to practice some self-control. But, he’s charismatic, and he’s funny, and he’s educated, and he has a good job, and he has a house, and a car, and a driver’s license (which may not seem important, but the loser ex-boyfriend didn’t have most of that list), and he just seems to get me. . . .and it does just feel so good, until it doesn’t. Until I feel like showing him some parts of me–like the crazy ass one writing this blog who is obsessing about why he didn’t text me at least 20 times today–would totally freak him out and scare him off, and I know if I was him and he was me, and someone got all text happy with me it would freak me out too. I would think damn! Back off a bit and let me breathe!! I like you, just relax and let’s see where it goes!! The deal is, I think he does like me, and when I say me, I really mean ME!! I have totally been myself with this guy–my kind of nerdy, funny, somewhat inappropriate, cuss like a sailor, beer drinking, tell you exactly who I am even if you don’t necessarily want to know, slightly sexy, self. Yep, I’ve just been me, and he does text back, maybe not as much as I would like, but he does. So I have no other choice at this point, but to continue being myself–not the crazy one who can be slightly obsessive, but the one who is all those things I just listed, and pretty damn confident and able to take care of herself! I really just have to let it be whatever it is going to be, and just let it go. The universe knows my heart, and knows what I want, and at some point, even if it isn’t now, it’s going to bring me what I need. Let it be, and let it go.
An afterglow is a broad high arch of whitish or rosy light appearing in the sky due to very fine particles of dust suspended in the high regions of the atmosphere. An afterglow may appear above the highest clouds in the hour of deepening twilight, or reflected from the high snowfields in mountain regions long after sunset. The particles produce a scattering effect upon the component parts of whitelight.
That’s what I feel like I have today. . .an afterglow. I don’t think I’ve ever had a date so good that I had afterglow. The afterglow feels great!! Can I please ride the afterglow for awhile without doubts, or questions setting in? Please brain, just let me enjoy it!
Fat Bottom Girl Said What 