The Breath of Life
“And can you handle that which you’ve awakened in me? All the passion, the inspiration, the love?” she asked him. “All those things I feared dead, you have breathed life into.”
Fat Bottom Girl Said What
When my ass talks, people listen.
Archive for the tag “love”
Crazy In Love
You might possibly have saved me from myself
tripping
stumbling
falling
into something that wasn’t good for me
Are you really that wise?
Wise enough to hold a hand out
to stop the descent
Into the madness that is me
in love
Round and Round and Round It Goes. . . .
Photo Credit: http://www.mindmapinspiration.co.uk
Things I have been thinking about, or rather, obsessing about, lately:
–Do things happen for a reason?
–Is there such a thing as synchronicity/serendipity?
–When was the last time a man told me he loved, and really meant it?
–Where is my “big love”?
–What is my purpose here?
–How do I get happy?
–How do I begin to live with no excuses and no regrets?
–Why does the universe bring me something I have been asking for, and then keep it at an arm’s length?
–Is love at first meeting possible?
–Where do I go from here?
–Why do I forgive people so easily?
–Or is it forgiveness, or do I make excuses for them and their behavior?
I have been trying so hard to get out of my head, because all of the thinking is driving me crazy. And with the thinking comes the feeling, and the feeling all of it is nearly destroying me. I have always been one to feel things too deeply, and I often wish I didn’t. I just want to get to the other side of this current chasm I am experiencing. Problem is, I’m just not sure how to climb out of it.
Haunting Regret
What’s the one regret you can’t work through?
You got it baby, mine would be you
Yeah you got it baby, mine would be you
As if the morning wasn’t emotional enough, I had to hear these lyrics and think of you. The tears were instantaneous–a build-up of what-ifs, disappointments, and lost love–flowing down my cheeks, intermingled with sobs. I am still mad as hell at you after all these years. You just gave up on everything and walked away. You never even gave me and you a chance. I had loved you from the first night we met, and after 4 1/2 years of loving you, you just walked away. Do you know that every relationship I have had since you has been shit? Of course you don’t, because we haven’t spoke in over two years now. I am still trying to figure out why I can’t let you go. Is it the regret I can’t work through, or do I still love you after all this time?
The Chemistry of Love
Do you remember those old anti-drug commercials from the 80’s??
I remember them. Don’t know if they’re the reason I didn’t do drugs, or if it was because I was smart enough to know that if I tried drugs, I would probably take it to the extreme, like I did with everything else, so I didn’t even go there. But, love? I have tried that numerous times, and according to Helen Fisher, love is pretty much like a drug. When you fall in love, or lust, it gets all those sweet, addictive, feel-good chemicals flowing in your brain–dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. Consequently, when those chemicals start flowing, all kinds of other starts happening–you have tons of energy, you can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you think about the object of your desire constantly. It’s like you’re walking around on a cloud, and everything seems so wonderful. The sun shines brighter, the air smells sweeter.
Sounds good, doesn’t it? Why wouldn’t you want to be in love? It’s a huge rush, and I’m like a junkie looking for a fix. I love being in love. Here’s your brain. . .here’s your brain on love. . . any questions?
Hello Soul, Do I Know You?
Why do I feel the pull?
What is it that has led me to you
And you to me
And then away again?
It’s in my gut
The need to reach out,
To touch you,
To know your soul.
It seems so familiar to me.
Hello soul,
Have we met before?
I feel like I’ve known you for. . . .
Forever.
Is that what it feels like?
Love, I mean?
Because I’m not sure anymore.
What About Me?
I think last night influenced my almost totally shitty today. Why, you ask? Because I can’t get past “what might have been”. Technically it isn’t even about “what might have been”. Sorry, I am sure you’re confused. Me too!
Last night, my ex-husband and I took our son trick or treating. I was going to let him go alone with our son, but since said son is almost 12 years old, this was most likely the last year for trick or treating, so I wanted to go along too. It was me that took him the first time, so I felt it only fair that I was there for the last time too. This was one of the only times, since our son was born, that we actually did something together. My ex and I are on pretty good terms, and work really hard to co-parent our son effectively. We have had some bumps in the road, but most of the time we get along pretty well.
Well, all of the “family time”, led to me analyzing shit on the way to work this morning, and wondering about the “what might have been” stuff. Don’t get me wrong–I do not want to be with my ex, and am happy that we are divorced, because I was miserable with him and he with me. However, there is a little part of me, buried way down beneath the trash-talking, pole dancing, sex loving hot chick, that is Suzy Homemaker, and desires domesticity. At least a little bit of domesticity, along with the love of an amazing man, tons of laughter, and lots of hot sex! 🙂
It totally perplexes me that I can’t seem to find this shit after 11 years of divorce! I don’t understand it. I seriously scream at the universe some days and ask, “What about me?”. I am a good person and I deserve this!! I have waited a long time for my big love, where in the fuck is it??? Why does it seem that the universe is telling me I’m not worthy?
I realize that life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans, but this is not where I expected to be at my age. I didn’t expect to be fighting all of my battles solo, with no one else on my team. I get so damn tired of doing it all alone. When I get in this mood, this is the only song I can think about.
Can you love my dark side?
I have never met a man strong enough to love my dark side. Maybe one doesn’t exist.
Sunday Mornin’ Comin’ Down
I went to church today. Yes, I consider myself to be agnostic. I am not sure what I believe in. I believe there is some force at work in the world whether it be God, Buddha, just a general universal energy, whatever in the hell you want to call it. I am a bitter, cynical bitch at times, but I am not so close-minded that I won’t venture out of my agnosticism and go to church.
I chose this particular church because The Zen Master goes there. From the way he speaks of his belief in God, and how open-minded he was when he and I discussed religion, I figured I would go and try it. Like I said, this guy has got me thinking. Not only thinking about me, but also about my son and raising him to be a well-rounded individual. I think it’s only fair I present religion to him, so he can make informed choices about his beliefs, and know there are many options out there.
I almost didn’t make it to church this morning. My son and I were all ready to go, went out and got in the car, and nothing. The damn battery was dead. Now what the hell do I do?? I called The Zen Master–twice!! He didn’t answer, and he didn’t call me back. I called my mother and she came and picked us up and dropped us off. On the ride over I thought maybe we shouldn’t be going, that maybe someone was trying to tell me something. However, I am not usually one to listen to anything, or anyone, telling me not to do something when I have my mind set on it, so I didn’t listen this time either. I do have to say I am glad I didn’t.
I would call this particular church “new age”, because they have a band and the atmosphere is very casual, which I can really appreciate. I still wore a skirt today though, because I am always concerned with first impressions. Everyone was very nice, and welcoming. I was just amazed it didn’t rain fire and brimstone down on me as I walked in! Truthfully, I know I am not a bad person. I believe I am a genuinely good person. I just feel really lost anymore though. I am not content, and I have been seeking something to help me feel more peaceful, and more loving. Trust me, I don’t want to lose my sarcastic side, but I also feel as though there is more out there for me. I just don’t know how to go about finding the “more”.
I really enjoyed the pastor, but I couldn’t even tell you what his name is as I did not hang around to meet him. I am very uncomfortable with things like that, and he actually touched upon that very thing in his sermon today. He spoke of fear–fear of love imparticular, and trust. These two things really hit home with me today. So much so, that I found tears coming out of my eyes. You know I didn’t used to be fearful of loving people. I just did it, and if they didn’t love me back, it was okay. I always believed that me loving someone never diminished me or made me look foolish, it just made me a loving person. If a person didn’t want to accept my love, that didn’t make me stop loving them, I just loved them from afar and moved on.
And trust? When was the last time I really, truly trusted someone? I have major trust issues. I can’t even fucking trust myself! I feel like I have failed myself. The pastor said today that religion can get in the way of your relationship with God–too many rules, and do’s and don’ts. That right there is why I have so many issues with religion. But how does it apply to me? I have let my trust issues get in the way of my relationship with myself, and with other people.
I have a lot of work to do to get back that loving, happy person I used to be. I don’t know what the future holds for me and this church. I can’t say that I walked out of there a believer. I can only say I walked out of there thinking I might go back.
Fat Bottom Girl Said What 