Coming Up Empty
she sought love wherever she could find it
in the back seats of cars
or dorm rooms
or on picnic tables at the lake
it really didn’t matter
she had no shame
when it came to seeking love
the shame came after
but the love never did
Fat Bottom Girl Said What
When my ass talks, people listen.
Archive for the tag “sex”
Sex Goop
Gwyneth Paltrow irritates the shit out of me.
For numerous reasons.
Maybe because she thinks she needs to tell everyone her cooch is now au naturel and how unhealthy shaving your bits is.
Or maybe because she tries to tell you what to feed your family when she has a celebrity chef and a ghostwriter for her cookbook.
Or maybe it’s because she CAN’T FUCKING STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW AMAZINGLY COPACETIC AND UNDERSTANDING HER AND CHRIS MARTIN’S DIVORCE WAS.
Yeah, and I fucking fart glitter.
Now Gwyneth and Goop, her website that’s named after the nastiness that collects in your shower drain where she sells overpriced organic shit, thinks they need to come into YOUR bedroom.
With their $15,000 gold dildo.
And organic lube, because she stole the idea for this off of the Netflix show “Grace & Frankie”, and because according to her extensive research, lube is toxic.
Well now you tell us Gwyneth.
Seriously, isn’t the toxic lube issue just a little more important than whether or not you’re walking around with a grizzly bear between your thighs? You couldn’t have mentioned this sooner?
We’re all out here flicking the bean with toxic lube, putting Chernobyl grade KY in our cooters, and you’re just trying to find the perfect juice cleanse.
I hate to tell you Gwyneth, but you’re the last person I’d come to for lube or sex toy advice.
Maybe you can get “Bae” to buy some. Sounds like she might need to liven things up in the bedroom to keep that man of her’s from straying.
Fat Tuesday
Ash Wednesday
was merely you stamping out your cigarette
and me standing there watching
as the last of the smoke escaped your lips
unable to give you up
for any sort of ridiculous religious conviction
atheist or otherwise
my sins paled in comparison to yours
and left me feeling pious and righteous
never worried about whose left hand I would be sitting at
when all was said and done
the food and the fucking both taste so much better
when someone tells you you can’t have them
so pour your communion wine into the dip of my shoulder
my belly button
and drink of life’s blood
drown out the trumpet sounds drifting through the windows
and toss aside all the beads
our Mardi Gras will never end
Skin Hunger
Like a blind person
I want to explore every inch of your skin
and commit it to memory
I want to taste your tattoos with my tongue
and bury my nose in your neck
so I can inhale the scent of you
and feel the goosebumps my lips create
as I brush them down your back
fingertips feather light
following the trail my lips make
grazing your ass with my hands
stopping only to grip your thighs
and feel the cord of muscle within
completing my journey
by pressing my nakedness
against yours
absorbing the rhythms of your body
through osmosis
so I can carry the song of you with me
wherever I go
Sex Lube and Fine Dining
Kiwi-Strawberry, Passionfruit, Sweet Cherry, Tropical Punch. None of those flavors gets me in the mood, and they actually make me feel like someone might yell out “Hey Kool-Aid” and a giant pitcher is going to come busting through the wall, so who in the hell ever thought fruit flavored sex lube was a good idea?
I like pina coladas, but I don’t want one slathered on my cooter, and I certainly don’t want to have to lick it off some dude’s meat sword!
My mouth may spew expletives and be crass, but I have a rather refined palette. I like good food and drinks. I want taste explosions in my mouth. I want my culinary experiences to be as pleasurable as sex, so that got me to thinking.
Why not combine the two?
I think lube should start coming in flavors like filet mignon, or merlot, or chocolate mousse,or maybe Texas BBQ brisket flavor, which would come with a bonus of Lonestar flavored edible undies.
Or maybe hot beef sandwich flavor, or apple pie, or cinnamon roll.
Or maybe even a sushi flavored one. (Lord help you if you don’t need a lube to attain that particular flavor!)
Pretty sure I need to get a patent for this stuff. Seriously. This could be the next big thing.
Just think about it.
When was the last time you saw your man tear into anything fruity? You want your man lusting after you like he lusts after a T-bone and a shot of whiskey.
And guys, can you think of a better way to get your woman to orally pleasure you than to rub some lube flavored like chocolate salted caramel on your weiner?
That’s what I thought.
If you need me I’ll be at the patent office.
P.S. I’m taking applications from men who’d like to help me taste test.
tongue speak
your tongue shall speak volumes
I eagerly await your recitations
syllables, meter, the morphology of it all
has me spewing jargon and expletives
the pitch and intonation of varying resonance
as you
articulate
pronunciate
narrate
syntax
the fuck out of me
with your literacy
you sir, are a cunning linguist
your particular sort of speech
music to the very core of my being
there shall never be an oral moratorium between us
DITCHING THE DILDO
Recently I was met with a dilemma. I wanted to ditch my dildo.
Our relationship wasn’t going so well. After giving myself a birthday present a couple of years ago of a lavender colored, pretty well-endowed, supposed feel closer to skin schlong with a multi-speed and pulse vibrator, I came to the conclusion I wasn’t satisfied. Our sex life wasn’t measuring up to my standards.
I decided I wasn’t into the schlong.
Now wait a second! Don’t take that to mean I’m not into schlong, because I totally am! I am so into schlong that my lesbian friends have a nickname for me–“Strictly Dickly”. True story.
I just wasn’t so sure about this particular schlong. Honestly, it was my first experience with “faux schlong”. It was my birthday, I thought I’d treat myself, and I went to the toy store and got it.
I even threw away my trusty sidekick, the “Betterfinger” vibrator, for the new faux schlong! Before I knew whether the relationship would work out. Bad move on my part.
Lesson learned. Sometimes you need to stick with what you know. I don’t know if it was what it was made out of, or the color, or the fact that it smelled kind of like a Dr. Scholls shoe insert, but after a few test runs I was done.
So what do you do with a lilac dildo? What do you do with a lilac dildo? What do you with a lilac dildo? Sorry, just got a damn sea shanty running through my head.
Seriously though, what the hell do you do with a dildo when you’re done with it? Just casually toss it in the dumpster? No.
Have a dildo burning party? That option sounded appealing. Get the fire pit stoked up. Gather copious amounts of alcoholic beverages and invite friends. But wait. I am a bit earth conscious. This thing had enough rubber in it to be used as a flotation device. What the hell would I do to the ozone if I burned it? So that option was out.
Cleverly camouflage and disguise? Yes. That was my best option. I stuffed it in an old sock, and double-bagged it, and tossed it in the kitchen trash amongst egg shells and coffee grounds, and hauled the whole mess to my dumpster.
Buh-bye lilac dildo! I’m going back to my vibrator! Wait. Oh hell. I threw the vibrator out! Now what’s a girl to do??
And then I had a thought! Maybe my buddy Jack Chaser, over at The Things I See Up Here, knows where I can get a new vibrator. It seems he recently had a sex toy company (not sure if I’m allowed to say their name or not but it has something to do with The Garden of Eden and forbidden fruit), contact him about some guest posting. I kind of want to know if he’s getting free sex toys out of this deal. Like maybe a lifetime supply of pocket pussies or something? Seriously, I think the guy has enough dildos already. It’s all he ever talks about! Of course if he does get more, he could spread the wealth around a little bit! Hey Jack, don’t forget this loyal follower is in the market for a new vibrator!! A rabbit, a dolphin, hell I’m not picky! I’m lonely!!
Seriously folks, if you need a good tears rolling down the face belly laugh, go pay Jack a visit. The guy knows how to tell a good story, even if he is a little kinky.
My Baby Plays a Mean Meat Whistle
The “B” is silent.
Bacon. Sex. Bacon. Sex. It’s kind of a toss-up. Seriously. That’s how much I love bacon. So I just came right out and asked him. “Would it bother you if I were to eat bacon while we were having sex?”
Now you might not be quite as enamored of the swine and bovine as I am, so that question might shock you. But to my warped mind, eating a pork product, or any other tasty meat treat while having sex makes perfect sense, and here are the reasons why:
1. In my neck of the woods, sex is sometimes referred to as “porkin'”. Example: “I was porkin’ this chick the other night. . .”
2. How many times have you heard of a man’s equipment being referred to in “meat” vernacular? For example:
Men can “beat their meat”, or “slap their salami”.
They can slip a woman the “hot beef injection”.
Hey baby, wanna ride the “bologney pony”?
Your wife or girlfriend’s favorite dinner? “Tube steak!”
“Pork sword”
“Weiner”. (Not to be confused with Anthony, whose weiner everyone has seen thanks to the internet.)
3. Let’s not forget that an erection is oft referred to as a “boner”. Meat often comes with bones in it. And as AC/DC says, I’m pretty sure “just givin’ the dog a bone” refers to putting your man meat in a chick’s mouth, but I could be wrong.
4. There’s also musical meat. Example: “Hey honey, why don’t you come over here and play a tune on my “meat whistle”. If you don’t know all the notes, you can just hum.”
4. Last but not least, meat terms you never want to be associated with your penis: vienna sausage, little smokie. When it comes to meat, the serving size does matter. Don’t let her bullshit you.
So you see, it all makes perfect sense now, doesn’t it?
Oh, and just in case you were interested? He told me it wouldn’t bother him a bit, just don’t forget to melt some cheese on it and dip it in mayo. I’m thinking he might be a keeper.
Honey Do (it for a blowjob?) List
Most of the time I don’t mind mowing, but last night was an exception. Due to unusually high amounts of rainfall here in “Oz”, the grass is growing at an alarming rate. Add to the rate of growth the fact that it’s near impossible to get it mowed between rain showers, and the fact the humidity is hovering around 85%, and you’ve got a virtual perfect recipe for knee-high vegetation and mosquitoes the size of a small child. All of these factors led to me wondering what it would take to get a man to mow my lawn; actually, to get a man to do numerous chores around my house. The answer? Blowjobs!! Seriously, I can’t be the first woman who has thought of this, right?? What is one thing a man always seems to want, but can never get enough of?? Besides beer! Yep, blowjobs. BJ’s. Oral copulation. Wouldn’t that be a fair trade?? He mows the lawn – blowjob. He fixes the roof – blowjob. He lifts heavy shit and kills bugs – blowjob. I think this is a perfect solution, and there must be a man out there who would be willing to enter into this sort of arrangement with me. Maybe I will just need to place an ad in the paper.
One Night Stand
Photo Credit: Harvey Nichols Walk of Shame Christmas Cards http://www.mirror.co.uk
walk of shame
played the game
what’s your name
whose to blame
I need the fame
now don’t feel the same
I’m just some dame
walk of shame
*I have never been fond of verse that rhymes for some reason, but am quite aware this one does. It might also be considered a type of alliteration. Really, I don’t have to have a name for it, and don’t really know why I am explaining myself–I used it specifically for effect.
Fat Bottom Girl Said What 