Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

DITCHING THE DILDO

dd

 

Recently I was met with a dilemma. I wanted to ditch my dildo.

Our relationship wasn’t going so well. After giving myself a birthday present a couple of years ago of a lavender colored, pretty well-endowed, supposed feel closer to skin schlong with a multi-speed and pulse vibrator, I came to the conclusion I wasn’t satisfied. Our sex life wasn’t measuring up to my standards.

I decided I wasn’t into the schlong.

Now wait a second! Don’t take that to mean I’m not into schlong, because I totally am! I am so into schlong that my lesbian friends have a nickname for me–“Strictly Dickly”. True story.

I just wasn’t so sure about this particular schlong. Honestly, it was my first experience with “faux schlong”. It was my birthday, I thought I’d treat myself, and I went to the toy store and got it.

I even threw away my trusty sidekick, the “Betterfinger” vibrator, for the new faux schlong! Before I knew whether the relationship would work out. Bad move on my part.

Lesson learned. Sometimes you need to stick with what you know. I don’t know if it was what it was made out of, or the color, or the fact that it smelled kind of like a Dr. Scholls shoe insert, but after a few test runs I was done.

So what do you do with a lilac dildo? What do you do with a lilac dildo? What do you with a lilac dildo? Sorry, just got a damn sea shanty running through my head.

Seriously though, what the hell do you do with a dildo when you’re done with it? Just casually toss it in the dumpster? No.

Have a dildo burning party? That option sounded appealing. Get the fire pit stoked up. Gather copious amounts of alcoholic beverages and invite friends. But wait. I am a bit earth conscious. This thing had enough rubber in it to be used as a flotation device. What the hell would I do to the ozone if I burned it? So that option was out.

Cleverly camouflage and disguise? Yes. That was my best option. I stuffed it in an old sock, and double-bagged it, and tossed it in the kitchen trash amongst egg shells and coffee grounds, and hauled the whole mess to my dumpster.

Buh-bye lilac dildo! I’m going back to my vibrator! Wait. Oh hell. I threw the vibrator out! Now what’s a girl to do??

And then I had a thought!  Maybe my buddy Jack Chaser, over at The Things I See Up Here, knows where I can get a new vibrator. It seems he recently had a sex toy company (not sure if I’m allowed to say their name or not but it has something to do with The Garden of Eden and forbidden fruit), contact him about some guest posting.  I kind of want to know if he’s getting free sex toys out of this deal.  Like maybe a lifetime supply of pocket pussies or something?  Seriously, I think the guy has enough dildos already.  It’s all he ever talks about!  Of course if he does get more, he could spread the wealth around a little bit!  Hey Jack, don’t forget this loyal follower is in the market for a new vibrator!!  A rabbit, a dolphin, hell I’m not picky!  I’m lonely!!

Seriously folks, if you need a good tears rolling down the face belly laugh, go pay Jack a visit.  The guy knows how to tell a good story, even if he is a little kinky.

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34 thoughts on “DITCHING THE DILDO

  1. reinventionofmama on said:

    Looooved it! I recently had the thought of ditching the Rabbit. Then I realized I had lost my ever loving mind.

  2. The things I have never thought about…….

  3. Seems like it would have been less hassle to treat yourself to the real thing on your birthday. Plenty gigolos out there…

    Unless you want a more meaningful relationship with B.O.B.

  4. andthisiswhyiwilldiealonesurroundedbycats on said:

    This made me laugh a lot.

  5. I am planning a give away very soon.

  6. Evidently that wasn’t the model that I did the mold for.

  7. O.M.G.
    I think the word “vibrator” makes people more embarrassed than my go to word “vagina”.
    Excellent. I’m a dolphin fan myself, by the way.

    • I might have to go with the dolphin, as you’re not the first woman I’ve heard that from!

      I’m sure I make some people quite uncomfortable with most of the stuff I write! lol And if so, I guess I’m doing okay. 😉

    • Thanks dear!! Very sweet of you. I will let you know I am terrible with these awards things, so I apologize. Now if there was an award for profanity, I might really be able to get into that! lol

  8. Ahh you make me laugh! I had to ditch a dildo once when I went overseas. I was storing stuff at my parents house and just felt wrong hiding it in a box amongst books and kitchenware.

  9. It’s not often that I’m left speechless.
    Though I’m less concerned about the lack of words than I am about the eyebrows that have climbed up to my hairline and are stuck there.
    At work.

    Followed!

  10. Ha ha! I hope Jack was able to set you up with something. All women should have a toy. Absolutely!

  11. I can’t get your “sea shanty” out of my head. This is not the kind of ear worm that I can sing aloud.
    I’m in tears and my tummy hurts from laughing.

  12. Three words: Hitachi. Magic. Wand.

    I’m totally serious.

  13. I vote for Lelo vibeys. Best I’ve ever owned.

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