My Baby Plays a Mean Meat Whistle
Bacon. Sex. Bacon. Sex. It’s kind of a toss-up. Seriously. That’s how much I love bacon. So I just came right out and asked him. “Would it bother you if I were to eat bacon while we were having sex?”
Now you might not be quite as enamored of the swine and bovine as I am, so that question might shock you. But to my warped mind, eating a pork product, or any other tasty meat treat while having sex makes perfect sense, and here are the reasons why:
1. In my neck of the woods, sex is sometimes referred to as “porkin'”. Example: “I was porkin’ this chick the other night. . .”
2. How many times have you heard of a man’s equipment being referred to in “meat” vernacular? For example:
Men can “beat their meat”, or “slap their salami”.
They can slip a woman the “hot beef injection”.
Hey baby, wanna ride the “bologney pony”?
Your wife or girlfriend’s favorite dinner? “Tube steak!”
“Weiner”. (Not to be confused with Anthony, whose weiner everyone has seen thanks to the internet.)
3. Let’s not forget that an erection is oft referred to as a “boner”. Meat often comes with bones in it. And as AC/DC says, I’m pretty sure “just givin’ the dog a bone” refers to putting your man meat in a chick’s mouth, but I could be wrong.
4. There’s also musical meat. Example: “Hey honey, why don’t you come over here and play a tune on my “meat whistle”. If you don’t know all the notes, you can just hum.”
4. Last but not least, meat terms you never want to be associated with your penis: vienna sausage, little smokie. When it comes to meat, the serving size does matter. Don’t let her bullshit you.
So you see, it all makes perfect sense now, doesn’t it?
Oh, and just in case you were interested? He told me it wouldn’t bother him a bit, just don’t forget to melt some cheese on it and dip it in mayo. I’m thinking he might be a keeper.
HAHAHAHA!!! This is great. Now I want bacon and sex. Although I’m not sure how comfortable I would be having them together…
But you can certainly understand my logic, can’t you? lol
Are you having an affair with Farmer John or Oscar Meyer?
Jimmy Dean. Best pork(in) ever!
I’m hungry. Dang. Lemme see what’s in the ‘fridge…
And by “fridge” do you mean your pants? hahaha
It’s never frigid in my pants. Ohhhh! Snap! Your turn.
Don’t leave out Slammin the Salmon.
How many euphemisms do you think there are for it? And do they vary depending on location??
This sounds like it could lead to a very inappropriate Pavlovian response. One day when you’re in IHOP getting all moist and randy with no man around, you’ll regret this decision to eat pork while porkin’.
Don, are you saying my desire to indulge in crispy sticks of pork fat are a total turn-off to a guy? hahaha
I just learned some new euphemisms. I am now scarred for life.
Just wait until I start talking about woman bits! lol