Gwyneth Paltrow irritates the shit out of me.
For numerous reasons.
Maybe because she thinks she needs to tell everyone her cooch is now au naturel and how unhealthy shaving your bits is.
Or maybe because she tries to tell you what to feed your family when she has a celebrity chef and a ghostwriter for her cookbook.
Or maybe it’s because she CAN’T FUCKING STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW AMAZINGLY COPACETIC AND UNDERSTANDING HER AND CHRIS MARTIN’S DIVORCE WAS.
Yeah, and I fucking fart glitter.
Now Gwyneth and Goop, her website that’s named after the nastiness that collects in your shower drain where she sells overpriced organic shit, thinks they need to come into YOUR bedroom.
With their $15,000 gold dildo.
And organic lube, because she stole the idea for this off of the Netflix show “Grace & Frankie”, and because according to her extensive research, lube is toxic.
Well now you tell us Gwyneth.
Seriously, isn’t the toxic lube issue just a little more important than whether or not you’re walking around with a grizzly bear between your thighs? You couldn’t have mentioned this sooner?
We’re all out here flicking the bean with toxic lube, putting Chernobyl grade KY in our cooters, and you’re just trying to find the perfect juice cleanse.
I hate to tell you Gwyneth, but you’re the last person I’d come to for lube or sex toy advice.
Maybe you can get “Bae” to buy some. Sounds like she might need to liven things up in the bedroom to keep that man of her’s from straying.
HAH! That’s so awesome. LOVE this. Needed a good one and this didn’t not let me down. Thank you!
Thanks for reading! It’s been awhile since I’ve done a humor post, so I’m glad you enjoyed it!
Seriously thought this was funny as it was sarcastic and so deep! Pardon the pun.
I appreciate a good sexual innuendo!
Reblogged this on undercoverminx and commented:
Seriously. I am dying! One of the most annoyingly hypocrytical celebs torn to shreds with satire and sarcasm!
Thanks so much!! I’m glad I’m still on my sarcasm game. 🙂
Best thing I’ve read today fucking sick of these stars with their knowitall attitude about everything and we should buy their bullshit lines
She’s fucking wackadoo!! I wouldn’t buy anything from her.
At the risk of coming off as The Donald, I never thought this pencil neck Giraffe was all that good looking.
As with most celebreties, I muzzke may be appropriate to limit their ignorance,
Since her mother was an actress, she was kind of a shoe-in for acting roles, and she’s mediocre at best.