Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Archive for the category “Relationships”

The Island of Misfit People

“I feel broken. I feel different than everyone else.”

“How long have you felt this way?”

“For as long as I can remember. Even as I child I felt it.”

“I never knew. I don’t know why you feel that way.”

“Me neither. Maybe it’s just my nature. Maybe it’s just who I am and I need to accept it instead of trying to change it.”

“I am sorry you feel that way.”

“I am sorry only in the sense that I feel like it makes me difficult to love. Also, because I think my feeling of brokenness makes me attractive to broken men, and vice versa. It makes me think I will never have a normal relationship, because I am too broken. Why would any man who isn’t as broken as me, want to love me?”

Photo Credit:  favim.com

Photo Credit: favim.com

Raise The Bar

standards

Photo Credit: rehabtime.org

Cock-Eyed Optimist

Photo Credit:  thesinglenester.com

Photo Credit: thesinglenester.com

Yep, that’s me. Always seeing the potential in a man. “A victim of my own optimism” on numerous occasions. I have high expectations of myself, and therefore tend to have high expectations of men I become involved with. I know. . . most of them never seem to live up to the expectations, but I continue to have them! Is this the same as believing someone can change? Yes, I think it’s very similar, and we all know we can’t go into a relationship with someone expecting them to change. I wouldn’t want someone to go into a relationship with me, and expect me to change, so it seems silly for me to expect that. And, I can sit around and say that I don’t expect them to change, that I like them just as they are, but when it comes to the majority of the guys I’ve been with in the last 12 years, that isn’t true. Really, there were these glaring things about them I knew I couldn’t live with, but I glossed them over with my cock-eyed optimism.

I need to remember what Maya Angelou says, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” The first time The Fuck Stick kicked me and left the bruise on my leg he showed me exactly who he was, and I didn’t believe him. The second time, when he pushed me down and I almost hit my head on the paving stones, he confirmed it, and I knew, but I ignored him. The third time when he cut my face open, and had his hands around my throat, all optimism went out the window, and I saw him for the total fuck stick he was(is!).

I want to be optimistic about love, but I don’t want to be foolish. I want to be strong enough to walk away from men when they show me they aren’t worthy of my time. If they’re not worthy, and I stay, it is out of a sense of desperation, and I’m not desperate. I don’t need to be desperate. I just need to be happy.

Damage Control

I went to watch your daughter ride her horse last night
She said the last time she had seen you was at her graduation
That maybe she spoke five words to you

She is angry
She feels like you abandoned her
She doesn’t like your new wife
And it makes me glad
I was never put in that position

Not to say I told you so
However I tried to warn you
Years ago
But your need to run
Was greater than your devotion to your daughters

The whole thing breaks my heart
But there is nothing I can do about it
You shut me out of your life
Cast me off
Like dead weight
In your attempt to run faster
And farther
Away from your decisions
Instead of standing behind what you knew
In your heart was right

I hope some day
You realize what you are missing out on
And that you also try
To repair the damage that has been done
Because even though she might not need a lot
She will always need her daddy

63,113,852 Seconds

"Happy Birthday to Me!!" Photo Credit:  graphpaperpress.com

“Happy Birthday to Me!!”
Photo Credit: graphpaperpress.com

That’s 2 years in case you’re not a math geek. As you could probably tell, I am not even close to being a math geek. Geek, yes, but not in a mathy sort of way. Just the other day Word Press, in it’s “let me keep track of every little annoying milestone sort of way”, reminded me that I officially registered with them 2 years ago. Yes, thank you, I hear your little golf clap coming from the back of the room; thanks for the enthusiasm. To tell you the truth, I can’t get very enthusiastic about it myself, because when I look back on the last two years, it doesn’t seem as if I have come very far.

I started this blog not only because I enjoy writing, but also because I have found writing helps keep me sane. Those of you who read regularly know this hold on sanity is tenuous at best, but dammit I do try!! So, a cousin of mine had a blog, pointed me to Word Press, and another blogger was born! The beginning of my blog also happened to coincide with the ending of a relationship. Of course being my life, it wasn’t a simple parting of ways, but a Jerry Springeresque ending, with another of his “girlfriends” contacting me via text message to let me know I wasn’t the only one he had on the string. In hindsight, I knew something hadn’t been quite right with the relationship, or him, and after some research, concluded that he seemed to be a classic narcissist. Which, in itself, was a great relief to me, because I thought I was going crazy, but he was simply employing some very common gaslighting techniques. Just coincidence that his favorite band is The Gaslight Anthem? I think not!

I took to the blog with vengeance for the narcissist, and was met with some kindred souls who had also encountered some of the same kinds of slime bags. It made me feel so much better. Always makes a girl feel better to know that she’s not the only one who has been duped! After spewing the poison I needed to, in order to rid me of that relationship, I jumped back into the murky waters of the dating pool. I shared experiences about my disastrous dating life along the way, and last December started sharing about the latest in a long line of losers, The Fuck Stick. And you all know that ended badly!

Anyhoo, got me to thinking about the bullshit from men I have allowed myself to be subjected to over the last two years. And now I am asking myself, “What the fuck?” No, not just “What the fuck?”, but, “For the love of fucking fuck’s sake, what in the motherfucking bloody hell am I doing, for fuck??” Obviously, I am doing everything all wrong. Yes, even though these guys are big douche bags and fuck sticks, maybe I am attracting them because of. . . .ME. Yep, I said it. I think I have to change me. In order to attract the kind of guy I want, I am going to have to change some things about myself. I’m not saying drastic changes, not like my personality or anything, because we all know that totally rocks, but things like, not being so generous with someone who doesn’t deserve it, or not putting up with a man who isn’t respectful of me, or, not giving up the things I want to do in order just to hang out with a guy if he isn’t willing to do the same. Basically, stop setting aside my needs, and my happiness, for everyone else. What the fuck did you just say?? Yes, I said it. Gotta do it. It’s time to make ME, a priority in my life. Holy hell, I’ve got my work cut out for me. I hope you will continue to read as I try to cut this new path for myself.

Much love to all of you!! Now excuse me while I blow out some fucking candles.

Out Of Body Experiences

So yesterday I wrote about plausible deniability. It’s amazing to me how the mind works, how it can block shit out that’s too difficult for us to deal with. It has happened to me once before, when I became pregnant as a teenager, with my daughter. It’s like the knowledge is there, but it’s veiled, it’s in the periphery, just around the corner. It wants to break through sometimes, and come at you, full force, almost knocking you over with the knowledge, but something holds it back. Maybe it’s a security guard of your sanity. I wonder if some of you understand what I am talking about? I hope so. I hope I’m not the only one.

Until last night, I think my mind had sheltered me from the knowledge of what had happened. The first couple of incidents with The Fuck Stick, the kicking and subsequent bruise, and the shove to the ground, I dismissed easily. This last time, even though the evidence was on my face, and still is, I think my mind totally denied it even took place. Then I went to the farm last night. My friend, who dates The Farm Guy, came for the weekend, and invited me out, and I could go, since The Fuck Stick left this week. So, I went out, sat around and had a couple of beers, and chatted, and left for home. I took the same route The Fuck Stick and I had the night he tried to choke me out in the truck. The whole drive home was surreal, it was like I was reliving it, but in someone else’s body. I know this sounds all kinds of weird, but that’s the way it happened.

I don’t know why it seemed that way. Maybe it’s because I am so numb. While writing the first paragraph of this I think I shed a few tears, but then I stopped. I want to cry, I want to be angry about what he did to me, I want to. . . .hell, I don’t know, I want to feel something!! But I just can’t right now. I just can’t.

Hook, Line and Sinker–Take the bait bitch!

“Can you send my mail to such and such address in BFE, Kansas, please”. . . .this is the text I get from him this morning

“Oh, you moved home? What did you tell your parents?”. . . .yes, me playing dumb about him moving back down home, but knowing that the address he’s given me is his parents’

“the turth(sic)”. . ..he can’t spell for shit, when he texts “ain’t”, he spells it “ate”, but of course I wonder whose version of the truth would that be?? He has is own special brand of the truth, which doesn’t seem to come even a close to being accurate

“So you came clean about losing your job in April?”. . . .knowing he most likely hasn’t, because that would be a baby step towards wellness by getting rid of one secret, and he is buried under so many secrets I don’t know how he would ever dig himself out even if he could find a shovel

. . . no response from him, and I can’t resist, because remember, I am “the woman who doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up”, so I text him the following, knowing I won’t get any response from him, but that it will make ME feel better

“I realize you feel as though you owe me nothing, but a simple word of appreciation about allowing you to live in my home for 2 months rent free, plus me buying all food and beer, would’ve been nice. It would also be nice if at some point you could pay me the money you owe me for what I paid on the storage shed, the socks & underwear I bought you, & what it cost me to file your taxes for you.”

. . . .paused for about 40 minutes, then added the following

“You know at some point it would be nice if you would get some help & sober up so you could be around for your son. He worships you already & it would be great if you were actually the person he thinks you are. I wish I could have seen him ride the bike I got for him.”

I don’t think he even noticed that I never told him whether I would, or wouldn’t be sending his mail, but I am thinking that wasn’t even the point of the text message anyway. After all, he only gets bills, and it’s not like he is going to pay them. Plus, he could go to the post office and do a change of address if he was really worried about getting the mail. Him asking me to do it is a real crap shoot, because I’m not sure I really feel like doing it. My original point being though, that I think his purpose in texting me this morning was to dangle bait. He was fishing, trying to see if I would respond, and letting me know where he was at the same time. Nibble, nibble, I’m a fucking fish. He is an attention whore, and likes to keep numerous women on the string, just in case he gets lonely and needs a little ego stroke. It’s an abuser thing. And I know this, because I have been in this fucking pond before, but nibble, nibble, I am a fucking fish and I took the bait. . . .He wants to make sure he gets his mail, but he’s not concerned about all his tools and his tool box, which are still sitting in my garage??

I don’t know. Maybe I’m all wrong. Maybe he really doesn’t give two shits about the tools which help him to earn a living, and he’s more concerned about getting his bills and copies of Men’s Health which he can’t even pay for. And fuck forwarding those copies of Men’s Health, they’ve got some tasty smelling cologne inserts in those things, he ate (ain’t) ever getting them!!

**Be sure to chime in and let me know if I am thinking correctly about this, or if I’m just truly fucked up in the head.

Photo Credit: Flicker

Photo Credit: Flicker

The Running Man

So the night of baseball cap incident, with the splitting open of the face, and the fat lip, and the choking, The Fuck Stick dropped me at the house and went back out to “The Farm”, as I will call it. I am trying to protect all the innocent people in this, so am changing names, etc. The Fuck Stick never asked his friend if he could stay there, he just went back that night, and never left. The last three weeks he has been existing on his Speedy Cash money, trying to mete it out so he can support his beer and Skoal habit. Things were getting a bit desperate, as The Fuck Stick was draining his coffers, so he began stealing a few beers here, and a few beers there from his friends. I know all of this because one of my best friends, dates The Farm Guy. As a matter of fact, I introduced them about four months after I had been dating The Fuck Stick. Don’t worry, The Farm Guy is much nicer, and made it clear to The Fuck Stick that he doesn’t agree with ever putting hands on a woman, and he was none too happy with what The Fuck Stick had done to me.

Anyway, desperation is setting in. Depression has been around, but shit starts getting desperate for an alcoholic when they can’t fuel their addiction. The Farm Guy knows The Fuck Stick has been lying and stealing, and he can’t understand why he would do it. The Farm Guy is trying to be nice and help The Fuck Stick, but is also aware that he has to make sure his kids are digesting a lot of the crap which comes out of The Fuck Stick’s mouth. The Farm Guy also doesn’t understand why The Fuck Stick won’t help out around the farm, by mowing, etc., if he is letting him stay there for free. Welcome to my world! I wondered the same thing!

The Farm Guy knew that shortly he would have to tell The Fuck Stick to take a hike, because it had gotten to the point where he didn’t trust him not to take shit from his house and go and sell it to buy beer. I find out today from my friend, that The Farm Guy has received a text from The Fuck Stick telling him thanks (amazing he said that, because after all the shit I did for him, that word never escaped his lips), and he was going back down home. The Farm Guy didn’t have to say anything after all. Now The Farm guy doesn’t have to worry about any of his guns disappearing, or his beer, and doesn’t have to have The Fuck Stick sleeping on his couch anymore.

Hearing all of this was very strange for me. I think it is probably best for everyone involved that The Fuck Stick went back to where he came from. I can’t help but feeling like some of this was my fault. In reality I know it isn’t, but reality isn’t changing the way I feel. I met The Fuck Stick at the end of December. By the middle of April he had lost his job, and moved in with me by the end. By the end of May he had lost, or walked out on, two more jobs. By the end of June his shit was out of my house, and he was sleeping on The Farm Guy’s couch, and stealing beers out of his refrigerator because his title loan money was gone and had come due. It’s not my fault. My guess is this is his M.O. He has probably lived like this for years. He lives with a woman for awhile, they get sick of his shit and kick him out, and he go stays on a friend’s couch, until he can find some other stupid woman to take him in, and the cycle starts all over again.

All I have to say is this: You run motherfucker. You run far, and you run fast. But no matter how far, or how fast, eventually your shit is going to catch up with you. You should know from all those alcohol information classes that geographical change gets you nowhere. You can’t hide from alcoholism and the consequences of your beer-soaked actions.

In Search of Respite

The weekend looms. I have decided I will not miss him. I will not allow myself to miss him. I will surround myself with friends and family and laughter. I will let it all go. Like the bruises are disappearing from my face, so are the prevalent thoughts of him. I now try to think of him only in the negative; of his downward, spiraling out of control alcoholism. It’s easier for me to think of him lost in his sickness, than to think of laughter we’ve shared.

I hope this isn’t just a phase. I hope that I am truly dealing with it, and not just pushing it to the back of my mind for sorting out later. I am afraid that is what I am doing though; pushing it into a dark corner. But really, isn’t that okay too? Just to leave it there for a little while, so I can come back to pick it up when I am rested and ready to fight the demons? Right now I am still so tired.

Similar to my view this weekend. Photo Credit:  www.lasr.net

Similar to my view this weekend.
Photo Credit: http://www.lasr.net

A Small Price to Pay

One month rent, 1/3 of the utilities for one month, groceries, razor blades and new socks and underwear – $468.00

Rental of a storage shed for 2 months, plus deposit, and a late fee and lock-out fee because the bill wasn’t paid on time due to him lying to me about paying it – $211.00

Gas money to make 2 round trips to pick up his son for visitation – $100.00 (which I would gladly pay again, because I just ADORE his son)

Vehicle registration, insurance, and gas money, for vehicle which I let him drive because his truck has a blown head-gasket – $95.00

Approximate amount spent on trying to keep him in beer and skoal – $250.00

Getting out of a shitty relationship before he choked me again, or drug me any further down into his pit of abusive alcoholism. . . . PRICELESS.

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