Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

In Search of Respite

The weekend looms. I have decided I will not miss him. I will not allow myself to miss him. I will surround myself with friends and family and laughter. I will let it all go. Like the bruises are disappearing from my face, so are the prevalent thoughts of him. I now try to think of him only in the negative; of his downward, spiraling out of control alcoholism. It’s easier for me to think of him lost in his sickness, than to think of laughter we’ve shared.

I hope this isn’t just a phase. I hope that I am truly dealing with it, and not just pushing it to the back of my mind for sorting out later. I am afraid that is what I am doing though; pushing it into a dark corner. But really, isn’t that okay too? Just to leave it there for a little while, so I can come back to pick it up when I am rested and ready to fight the demons? Right now I am still so tired.

Similar to my view this weekend. Photo Credit:  www.lasr.net

Similar to my view this weekend.
Photo Credit: http://www.lasr.net

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26 thoughts on “In Search of Respite

  1. Lynette on said:

    You can do it! BBQ is a great healer of many things. The secret is in the sauce 🙂

  2. Ok. So.
    That picture looks awefully familiar.
    Like…very very familiar.

    Lets put all of this into true and real perspective. You hurt. Period.
    And it’s ok to say you still care for him. The heart does not let go as easily as the mind. You don’t wake up and rid yourself of love. And it’s easier for those on the outside to say “get over it”. Life and love hurt. In your case a bit more. Right now, let yourself heal. Ever how that is suppose to be. No one can tell you but you. Your inner gut knows. It does not lie ….it knows no boundaries.
    What I won’t let you do is blame yourself. Things happen and life happens. It is now in the past. Hold no grudges. Chin up and move past what you can not change.
    Love will find you.
    I’m having to do the same thing.
    I deeply deeply miss someone. I understand. Hugs and love to you….

  3. It’s not a phase, but part of the recovery process. But in those moments where you may feel weak because you miss him, that too — like those bruises — will eventually fade as you find things to fill the void. In those tough moments, remember the bruises and ask yourself, “Will I miss those?”

    I’m guessing the answer will be “No.”

    Hang in there. There a better things ahead.

    • I am getting to the point where I wonder if I miss him, or just the idea of him? When I decided he could move in, I had all the stuff with my son to deal with, I was afraid I would be lonely, and I was worried about money too. I am realizing maybe it wasn’t so much about me caring about him, but my own fears.

      • I’m so glad to hear you say that because I think you are 100 percent right. I didn’t want to say it early on, although I eluded to it briefly a couple of times; it was important you make that realization on your own — and it sounds like you are. Recognizing that fear is the first step to dealing with it and, eventually, eliminating it.

        You’re a strong woman, FBG, and your ability to look back and recognize things about yourself and the decisions you’ve made is proof of that.

      • I am stubborn, and always have to learn a lesson the hard way!! I know I will make it through this shit and come out the other side even stronger!!

      • Kind of like Andy Dufresne from “Shawshank Redemption,” one of my favorite movies 😉

        “Andy Dufresne crawled through a mile of shit inside that sewage tube and came out clean on the other side…”

      • One of my all-time favorite movies made from a Stephen King Book!! I think the sewage tube is my life! LOL

      • When I was in my 20s, I was really hating my job one week and told a friend: “Shit rolls downhill and I work at the bottom of A@#hole lane.” Life can feel like that some times 😉

  4. Even in your writing whether you realize it or not I can see you moving on. Maybe it is like a cigarette, if you can deny/ distract yourself for 5 minutes the urge might pass, ( like texting whilst lonely!). You are doing great. One day at a time.

  5. Go there for a little while but don’t build a house and move in. Long weekend ahead. All good wishes.

  6. Time at a lake or river is time well spent

  7. I am confident that your can move on to better relationships and not look back

  8. Love the view…both of them…yours on him and the lake. Water heals me…no matter the ailment. I can be at the lowest of lows, but get me near water and it chases it all away. Have a wonderful weekend – you deserve it!

  9. During my most difficult (lonely, painful) moments, I always go to the water. You’re so right — there is healing to be found there. Go to your place of healing — enjoy, relax, and let go. Little by little, you’re doing all of that! And, replenish your weary soul.

    Wishing you a wonder-filled weekend!

  10. Kira on said:

    Oh boy…we are going to do this together! I’m not gonna miss him…not gonna let him back in…standing strong! We can do this. Yours was one of the blogs that I read during my hiatus even though I wasn’t commenting or liking. My heart ached for you. I remember days like those when I was bruised and angry and hurt. You are amazing and the way your handling this is amazing. Stay strong sweet friend!

    • So glad you were still reading!! I missed your comments, but knew that you were struggling with your own demons. I am not proud of what happened, but new that I had to blurt it out in order to start dealing with it.

      • Kira on said:

        I was really proud of how courageous you were in blurting it out. I know how easy it can be to hide when that happens. I did it for years. You are a brave woman and I know you will get stronger each day!!

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