So yesterday I wrote about plausible deniability. It’s amazing to me how the mind works, how it can block shit out that’s too difficult for us to deal with. It has happened to me once before, when I became pregnant as a teenager, with my daughter. It’s like the knowledge is there, but it’s veiled, it’s in the periphery, just around the corner. It wants to break through sometimes, and come at you, full force, almost knocking you over with the knowledge, but something holds it back. Maybe it’s a security guard of your sanity. I wonder if some of you understand what I am talking about? I hope so. I hope I’m not the only one.
Until last night, I think my mind had sheltered me from the knowledge of what had happened. The first couple of incidents with The Fuck Stick, the kicking and subsequent bruise, and the shove to the ground, I dismissed easily. This last time, even though the evidence was on my face, and still is, I think my mind totally denied it even took place. Then I went to the farm last night. My friend, who dates The Farm Guy, came for the weekend, and invited me out, and I could go, since The Fuck Stick left this week. So, I went out, sat around and had a couple of beers, and chatted, and left for home. I took the same route The Fuck Stick and I had the night he tried to choke me out in the truck. The whole drive home was surreal, it was like I was reliving it, but in someone else’s body. I know this sounds all kinds of weird, but that’s the way it happened.
I don’t know why it seemed that way. Maybe it’s because I am so numb. While writing the first paragraph of this I think I shed a few tears, but then I stopped. I want to cry, I want to be angry about what he did to me, I want to. . . .hell, I don’t know, I want to feel something!! But I just can’t right now. I just can’t.