Fat Bottom Girl Said What
When my ass talks, people listen.
Archive for the month “March, 2013”
Hunting Lessons
Did I give you the ammunition?
That’s what it feels like right now.
Fuck, I feel like I almost loaded the damn gun for you!
I opened my big mouth and told you where the sweet spot was.
You know, right where you needed to aim for, if you wanted to shoot to kill.
So you took your shot, and you hit your target.
Would I expect any less out of a country boy like you?
You should be proud; one shot, one kill.
Maybe now you can have me stuffed and mounted.
You can hang me on your wall, so when all the other women come to fuck you they can see what a successful hunter you are.
Epiphanies and Aha Moments
I love the word epiphany, and every so often I actually experience one. They’re kind of like a little mental orgasm that in turn makes your soul feel better. The evening before the morning of my epiphany, KOAPH and I had been discussing something which occurred over the weekend, and caused me to reveal my little jealousy streak. Yes, she reared her ugly head–only slightly, but she is one ugly bitch and KOAPH definitely didn’t want to see her. You know why he didn’t want to see her? Because. Because he has tried to tell me, more than once, that I need to “whoa”, I need to “settle down”. That I need to trust him. He knows I have been cheated on, and fucked over, but he expects me to trust him. He said, “I fucking hate those other guys who did this to you, because now I have to deal with it”. I know he is irritated with me, but he doesn’t yell and scream at me, and he has been patient and understanding, but we all have our limits, don’t we? I worry he will reach his with me regarding my non-trustingness, so I really have been working towards letting this stuff go. I just didn’t know if it was ever going to happen!
And the next morning it happens: the epiphany. All of a sudden it seems clear. HE CARES!! He is with me, and not with any other woman, and I don’t believe he has any intention of going anywhere. And when I am jealous, I think it seems to him like I am questioning his loyalty, and I think that hurts him. He has never once acted untrusting of me. He has been left, he has been hurt, but still, he trusts me. He trusts me with his thoughts and his feelings, and a key to his house, and soon, he will trust me with the most important thing–his son. Even though he can’t seem to put all of it into words, I think maybe I finally have an idea of how he feels. I think he assumed I had known this for awhile, but I am kind of hard-headed and sometimes I need things spelled out for me. I had been overthinking and overanalyzing, something I do often, which he tells me to quit doing, but even with all the overthinking and overanalyzing, I never managed to come to the conclusion I did standing in front of the mirror yesterday morning. HE CARES. It’s all I need to know, because it makes all the difference in the world.
I guess for him it’s all very simple. I think he has made the decision to be with me, and unless he tells me differently, we are together. So maybe he’s right, and I do need to get it through my thick skull, and let it go. Could it be this simple, man-of-few-words, rough-around-the-edges, former bull riding, country man, has the ability to help me heal my soul?
Much Ado About Nothing?
Anxiety/panic attack last Friday because texts go unanswered. (He was napping after work.) Asks me if I want to rent a house in the country with him on Sunday.
States of Being
This morning I feel like I want to jump out of my skin. I want to break down and cry. I want to run screaming out of my office and jump in my car and drive to you as fast as I can, so I can see your face. I want you to make me feel better. I want you to fix what is wrong inside me. I want you to tell me that I am good and that you love even the broken parts of me. I want, I want, I want…
Why is it that no response to a text message sent to you can send me into such a tailspin? What is so fucked about my self-esteem that I can’t cope if you don’t respond right away when I am in a vulnerable state. And why can’t I just leave that state behind?
Wants…I imagine that I want all these things, but in the end, what’s more important is what I need. I need to learn to be okay with me, regardless of what’s going on around me. How in the fuck do I do that?
Perception
I spent the end of last week, and the entire weekend thinking I was having issues in my relationship. At least that was my perception. I’m not entirely sure what KOAPH’s perception was, but when I finally got a chance to actually talk to him face to face last night, he acted like there was nothing wrong, and there never had been.
In fact, he wanted to know why I hadn’t texted or called him the whole weekend. Are you serious?? I told him I had texted him on Thursday, and hadn’t received even one reply from him, so I thought maybe it was best if I didn’t have any contact with him, until he decided to contact me, considering the two “space” talks we had had in the last month or so.
I knew he was having a hard time. He had been missing his son terribly, and his ex wasn’t exactly forthcoming with visitation. He even traveled the whole distance to see him a couple of weeks ago, and even though it was supposed to be his weekend with his son, she planned a trip and took him out of town. I called her a selfish bitch, but would have much preferred to use the term cunt. Mind you, I don’t know her at all, but I don’t have much patience for women who aren’t willing to co-parent with their children’s fathers. They bitch to everyone if they have a kid with a deadbeat dad who doesn’t want to see their child, but they’re not satisfied when their child’s father wants to participate either. What the fuck?? Bitches like this give the rest of us who are working to establish a positive co-parenting environment, a bad name.
Anyway, he decided he couldn’t take it anymore, and drove again to see his son. He even took an extra day off work, because he was very emotional and just needed to see his boy. The only reason I knew where he was, is because I saw a comment on FB. I was overjoyed he was with his son, because I knew that’s right where he needed to be, and where his son needed him too. When it was time to drop his boy back off with his mother, things didn’t go so well, because his son wanted to come home with him. There were tears, from father and son. By Monday evening though, he was feeling a bit better, because he had had a really positive weekend with his son.
I asked him why he didn’t tell me what was going on. He told me it was because that wasn’t how he was raised, and he feels like he should handle it on his own, that I shouldn’t have to deal with it. I told him that’s the beauty of being in a relationship–burdens can be shared. I don’t have to fix his issues, and he doesn’t have to fix my issues, but by sharing them with each other it lightens the other’s load. I just hope that next time he’s feeling down, and his load feels really heavy, he will open up a little more; at least leave the door cracked, instead of shutting it completely.
In Case You Were Interested. . . .
If you’re going to love me, there are a few things you should know.
1. I expect you to love me with all of your being. Yes, all of it. You know why? Because if I love you, I will love you with all of mine, so I only think it’s fair you do the same. If you can’t love someone with all of your being, then what’s the point?
2. Some days I won’t be easy to love. I know some days you won’t be easy to love either, but on these days, I expect each of us to look at the other, and remember the reason we began loving each other in the first place. Then we need to make a conscious effort to make each other laugh, because I know one of the reasons we will have begun loving each other is because we can always make each other laugh.
3. Because you have a child (or if you have a child), I don’t always expect to come first, but I better be a damn close second. You might not need me to be a mother to your child, and I know I don’t need you to be a father to mine, but being in a relationship with someone who already has children can be tough sometimes, but we still need to remember we are in a relationship. I believe happy parents raise happy children, and well, just see #1, because if that’s what’s going on, everything will be okay.
4. I don’t have to spend every waking moment, or every day with you. However, I do expect to have daily contact with you. Daily contact to me means speaking on the phone for at least a few minutes, if we cannot see each other, and we are not living together. Texting doesn’t count. Texting is lazy.
5. I expect you to help me through tough times. This doesn’t mean I think you need to pay my bills. I need you to be there for me when I’m having a rough day, just like I will be there for you.
6. I expect you to help me with projects. No, I am not just trying to use you to do “man stuff” around my house. I expect it, but it is very hard for me to ask for help. I am stubborn, I am prideful, I am hard-headed, and I don’t like to be beholden to anyone. I would imagine you are the same, because if you’re not, we probably wouldn’t have ever gotten together in the first place. So please, volunteer to help me with stuff. You helping me is sexy, and will get you tons of sex!
7. I don’t have to have expensive gifts, but every once in awhile it would be nice to get thoughtful gifts. I try to give the people I love thoughtful gifts, something that speaks to the type of person they are, and the things they like. I like to receive thoughtful gifts, because it makes me feel like you’re paying attention, and that you really know me.
8. I just realized this list could go on for awhile. It’s not that I am telling you how to love me, I am just letting you know some of the ways I would like to be loved. Do I like hear someone telling me they love me? Of course. Do I need to hear it 50 times a day? No. Do I need to be shown, through actions, that I am loved? Yes, I do. Love is a verb.
The Man Test List
A joint effort between me and my son.
About two and a half years ago, after I had told my loser ex-boyfriend, Mr. ASPD, to kick rocks for the last time, and got a PFA to drive my point home, my son and I came up with “The Man Test List”. We happened to be sitting in a restaurant, waiting for our food, and I brought up the idea of making a list of qualities I would like to have in a guy. I had seen this list thing on Oprah awhile before this–you know, the one where they say to write a bunch of the qualities down you want in a man, and then put it away, and the guy with those qualities will come to you? After being with Mr. ASPD for 3 1/2 years and enduring loads of bullshit, I figured what the hell, I would try anything to get a good guy. So, my son and I put together the pictured list.
Pretty easy to tell the things he was concerned about—“knows how to sharpen sticks” and “good at video games”, but he also came up with the “good job he can stay at a long time and not get hurt”. I think that last one came from the fact that Mr. ASPD did concrete work, and had hurt his back about 9 months before I booted his ass out (I won’t go into the numerous pain killers he was on and what an ass he became when he was taking them). I guess I wasn’t the only one who got tired of hearing about how bad his back hurt! Funny how kids pick up on those things too.
I have never put these items in any order of importance. I’m not sure if I could. Do I have to have a man who dances country? No, I can live without him being able to dance, but it would probably be a good thing if he likes country music. Does he have to love cats? Well, not love them, but he would have to put up with them since we have 2 in this house. The sticks and the video games? I don’t think my son is very concerned about a guy having those particular talents anymore. The rest of the stuff on the list? I wouldn’t consider any of them negotiable. I think I am all of those things, so why wouldn’t I want a man who is all of those things?
Many of the guys I have come across since I came up with this list don’t have even half of these qualities. Most of them don’t possess the loyal and trustworthy traits, which are key, regardless of whether they have the funny, smart, and caring ones. I guess my point is this: you better bring it. Like I said, I pride myself on being pretty much all of these things, and more, so if you want to be with this girl, you best bring your “A” game, because I’m not fucking around. I can put up with a lot of shit from a good man, but I won’t put up with shit from just any man.
Allowances
And the Universe spoke and said, “You’re not allowed happiness, don’t you know that?”
“I thought everyone deserved their fair share!” I shouted back at the Universe.
“The fair is some place you can ride the Tilt-A-Whirl and buy a funnel cake and look at cows. It’s not a thing.” said the the Universe.
“But other people get happiness, why can’t I have it?” I asked.
Exasperated, the Universe said, “Because you’re not allowed! Haven’t you figured this out yet? How many times do I have to repeat it? Forty-three years I’ve been telling you the same fucking thing, and you won’t listen! Why do you have to be so hard-headed?”
“I guess because I want it so badly, and because I’m so hard-headed,” I said, “And you, you’re a cruel asshole, showing me glimpses of happiness, and then taking it away! If I can’t have it, then why do you tempt me with it?”
“Because everyone should know what they’re missing,” he said with a cruel asshole grin.
Fat Bottom Girl Said What 