Epiphanies and Aha Moments
I love the word epiphany, and every so often I actually experience one. They’re kind of like a little mental orgasm that in turn makes your soul feel better. The evening before the morning of my epiphany, KOAPH and I had been discussing something which occurred over the weekend, and caused me to reveal my little jealousy streak. Yes, she reared her ugly head–only slightly, but she is one ugly bitch and KOAPH definitely didn’t want to see her. You know why he didn’t want to see her? Because. Because he has tried to tell me, more than once, that I need to “whoa”, I need to “settle down”. That I need to trust him. He knows I have been cheated on, and fucked over, but he expects me to trust him. He said, “I fucking hate those other guys who did this to you, because now I have to deal with it”. I know he is irritated with me, but he doesn’t yell and scream at me, and he has been patient and understanding, but we all have our limits, don’t we? I worry he will reach his with me regarding my non-trustingness, so I really have been working towards letting this stuff go. I just didn’t know if it was ever going to happen!
And the next morning it happens: the epiphany. All of a sudden it seems clear. HE CARES!! He is with me, and not with any other woman, and I don’t believe he has any intention of going anywhere. And when I am jealous, I think it seems to him like I am questioning his loyalty, and I think that hurts him. He has never once acted untrusting of me. He has been left, he has been hurt, but still, he trusts me. He trusts me with his thoughts and his feelings, and a key to his house, and soon, he will trust me with the most important thing–his son. Even though he can’t seem to put all of it into words, I think maybe I finally have an idea of how he feels. I think he assumed I had known this for awhile, but I am kind of hard-headed and sometimes I need things spelled out for me. I had been overthinking and overanalyzing, something I do often, which he tells me to quit doing, but even with all the overthinking and overanalyzing, I never managed to come to the conclusion I did standing in front of the mirror yesterday morning. HE CARES. It’s all I need to know, because it makes all the difference in the world.
I guess for him it’s all very simple. I think he has made the decision to be with me, and unless he tells me differently, we are together. So maybe he’s right, and I do need to get it through my thick skull, and let it go. Could it be this simple, man-of-few-words, rough-around-the-edges, former bull riding, country man, has the ability to help me heal my soul?
Only you can heal your soul (you already know that), but he might just make it safe enough for you to feel okay to do that. This is good!! Yay for epiphanies!!
Just seems I have never been able to heal within a relationship, but I wonder if it’s the only way to heal from abuse? Don’t know, but guess I will see. 🙂
Think it will be pretty dependent on keeping the “he cares” epiphany in the front of your mind at all times, especially when you would rather mindf*ck yourself into sabotaging things. But hey, I think this is a huge breakthrough so CELEBRATE it!
I agree!! Working on being more confident & satisfied with myself. 🙂
Boy, after last Thursday’s activities this entry seems really fucked up!!