Perception
I spent the end of last week, and the entire weekend thinking I was having issues in my relationship. At least that was my perception. I’m not entirely sure what KOAPH’s perception was, but when I finally got a chance to actually talk to him face to face last night, he acted like there was nothing wrong, and there never had been.
In fact, he wanted to know why I hadn’t texted or called him the whole weekend. Are you serious?? I told him I had texted him on Thursday, and hadn’t received even one reply from him, so I thought maybe it was best if I didn’t have any contact with him, until he decided to contact me, considering the two “space” talks we had had in the last month or so.
I knew he was having a hard time. He had been missing his son terribly, and his ex wasn’t exactly forthcoming with visitation. He even traveled the whole distance to see him a couple of weeks ago, and even though it was supposed to be his weekend with his son, she planned a trip and took him out of town. I called her a selfish bitch, but would have much preferred to use the term cunt. Mind you, I don’t know her at all, but I don’t have much patience for women who aren’t willing to co-parent with their children’s fathers. They bitch to everyone if they have a kid with a deadbeat dad who doesn’t want to see their child, but they’re not satisfied when their child’s father wants to participate either. What the fuck?? Bitches like this give the rest of us who are working to establish a positive co-parenting environment, a bad name.
Anyway, he decided he couldn’t take it anymore, and drove again to see his son. He even took an extra day off work, because he was very emotional and just needed to see his boy. The only reason I knew where he was, is because I saw a comment on FB. I was overjoyed he was with his son, because I knew that’s right where he needed to be, and where his son needed him too. When it was time to drop his boy back off with his mother, things didn’t go so well, because his son wanted to come home with him. There were tears, from father and son. By Monday evening though, he was feeling a bit better, because he had had a really positive weekend with his son.
I asked him why he didn’t tell me what was going on. He told me it was because that wasn’t how he was raised, and he feels like he should handle it on his own, that I shouldn’t have to deal with it. I told him that’s the beauty of being in a relationship–burdens can be shared. I don’t have to fix his issues, and he doesn’t have to fix my issues, but by sharing them with each other it lightens the other’s load. I just hope that next time he’s feeling down, and his load feels really heavy, he will open up a little more; at least leave the door cracked, instead of shutting it completely.
Fat Bottom Girl Said What 
He still has his man card for suffering in silence 🙂
Is that one of the things you have to do in order to be a card-carrying member?? lol
I’m glad things are making sense again. And yeah, the baby mama drama is INSANE… I am an awesome ex wife/co parent… we are totally flexible and cooperative. My (if he keeps it up soon to be ex) boyfriend has the opposite problem of yours… if a meeting runs late or he needs to work an additional day, there is HELL to pay from his baby mama. It’s ridiculous… if he loses his job because he can’t do it because he has to leave work by 2:30 multiple times a month to fetch his kids she loses her support, duh. Sigh… this is a reason I write a blog about men. I don’t get my fellow sisters, most of the time.
I am kind of like a guy when it comes to some things, and wish there were times when I could be less emotional. A lot of my issues stem from leftover low self-esteem after the abusive relationship I was in. I have anxiety attacks sometimes and am always trying to keep that beast at bay. My head is able to make up all sorts of shit because of previous things which happened. I am constantly trying to not have expectations of behavior. When I am sane, I trust him. When I am in a state of panic, I do not. There’s a lot of self-talk that goes on in my head. I long for the day when all of that crap I carry around is gone. How do I just set down that fucking bag the abuser left me with, & walk away from it?
Holy shit you sound exactly like the guy I’m seeing! His ex wife was verbally AND physically abusive and I have no doubt that part of his issues are residual from those experiences. Man, I dunno. I’ve been trying for two years to get him to ..at least…compartmentalize the effects (just like you he does the self talk, low self esteem, gets all up in his head, panics, and the person on the other side doesn’t have a chance in hell, etc…) and I have yet to be successful. But he’s an emotionally lazy fuck so that might be part of it. 😉 Maybe therapy?
But it will take time, you just need to be patient with yourself and open/honest with the man about where your head goes and why. At least then he can try to respond with informed sensitivity.
Yes, I probably do need therapy, but don’t have the time or the money, hence blog! lol KOAPH and I discuss some of my residual effects–the need to be smothering/controlling, because I feel like if he’s in contact with me, or physically with me all the time, then I know what he’s doing–translation: not fucking around on me. Which, as we all know doesn’t mean anything! If someone wants to cheat, they will find a way to do it. During one of our conversations he said, “You are going to have to trust me at some point.” And yes, yes I am. This is why I am really trying to be okay right now with backing off of him, and making myself be okay with not being with him every minute of our free time, plus not being worried about how much we are, or aren’t communicating. (See today’s post for my latest freak out!) I constantly have to get out of my warped mind. After 3 1/2 years I am still working through shit, but I haven’t had a man before who was willing to stick around while I did it. His bringing the issue to light has helped. Most guys would’ve just left and not said a word, except yelled as they were driving away that I am a whole bucket full of crazy! lol