Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

02 Jul 2013

A Small Price to Pay

One month rent, 1/3 of the utilities for one month, groceries, razor blades and new socks and underwear – $468.00

Rental of a storage shed for 2 months, plus deposit, and a late fee and lock-out fee because the bill wasn’t paid on time due to him lying to me about paying it – $211.00

Gas money to make 2 round trips to pick up his son for visitation – $100.00 (which I would gladly pay again, because I just ADORE his son)

Vehicle registration, insurance, and gas money, for vehicle which I let him drive because his truck has a blown head-gasket – $95.00

Approximate amount spent on trying to keep him in beer and skoal – $250.00

Getting out of a shitty relationship before he choked me again, or drug me any further down into his pit of abusive alcoholism. . . . PRICELESS.

Posted in Relationships and tagged domestic violence, get out now before he drags you down any further, it's a small price to pay, save your fucking money, the cost of sanity, you must save yourself

01 Jul 2013

14 Comments

While reading on the exercise bike this morning, I flipped the page and came across this fortune. Seems the person reading before me, had stuck it in there to save their place. Sometimes the universe puts the exact thing in front of you that you need to see.

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged a message from the universe, thank god for books & good friends, where is serenity to be found

30 Jun 2013

22 Comments

Modern Conveniences

I did something stupid last night. After attending a party, and getting slightly inebriated, I texted The Fuck Stick. Yes, I used to refer to him as The Cowboy, but there’s really nothing cowboy-like about him except he wears boots and can rope some shit, so he will now be referred to as The Fuck Stick. Back to my stupidity. It was late, I was drunk and feeling sorry for myself, and lonely, and this is what it said: “Can you just admit to me that I was a convenience and you never cared about me? Because that’s how I feel.” He didn’t respond. He still hasn’t responded, and most likely he won’t. That’s okay. I think his not responding is telling. I don’t think he cares about me at all. I know that may seem strange that I wonder if he cares about me, but I do. Does he have the capacity to care about me? I don’t know. I just really don’t know anything right now, except that I am lonely. I know I will get past all this, but right now it’s still sucking. I have decided I am just going to be proud of the fact I didn’t tell him I miss him, or some sort of stupid shit like that.

Posted in Relationships and tagged harsh realities, I should have welcome stamped on my forehead because you walked all over me, I was just a convenience to you, used and abused

28 Jun 2013

11 Comments

Revelations

We loved the brokenness in each other.
The flaws, the shortcomings.
The healthy parts were an obstacle to our relationship.
The good things about me were overlooked, made fun of, trampled on.
I tried to find the goodness in you.
I really did.
Every once in awhile I thought I would catch a glimpse of it,
then it would vanish into thin air, propelled by negativity and harsh words.
Now what I thought was your handsome face, is gone too.
Your ugly soul has shown through, turning you into an ogre.

Posted in Bad Poetry, Relationships and tagged everything is revealed in time, I tried to find the good in you, you're so ugly to me now

28 Jun 2013

12 Comments

A Real Fine Place to Start

And in the endings, there are also beginnings.

Posted in Relationships and tagged if it didn't end badly most likely it wouldn't end, the ending is really a beginning

28 Jun 2013

18 Comments

D-Day

D-Day has come. He is here right now, loading things from the garage into his truck. I am a mess. I am shaking, my heart is racing. This would’ve been so much easier if I didn’t have to see him. A good friend of mine is here, to run interference. I am hoping, since it is early in the day, that he doesn’t have an abundance of alcohol on board already. I want this to be over with. I want all remnants of him gone, so I can get on with the healing process. I never want to be in this spot again. The next time I see the red flags, I want to be strong enough to turn tail and run. Wouldn’t it be so much easier to make that run in the beginning, than at the end?

Posted in Relationships and tagged domestic violence, get your shit and get, shaking and anxious every time I see him, thank god I don't have to live like this anymore

27 Jun 2013

16 Comments

Butcher Knives vs Butter Knives

Some people say do it cleanly. Cut all ties and be done. Others understand the pouring over of old text messages, and the slow removal of memories, items, possessions; bit by bit. Tomorrow is D-Day. D-Day, meaning Done Day. I am done. I want all of his possessions out of my house and my garage. He hasn’t even contacted me about coming to pick them up. He is taking advantage of me again. My house isn’t the storage shed. He has a storage shed. I know, because I gave him over $200 just so he could get, and keep, the storage shed. I know I will never see a dime of that money back, or for that matter, any of the money. Another expensive lesson; in more ways than one.

I just wanted you all to know that I have switched cutlery. I may have started out using the butter knife, but now I have picked up the butcher knife. I started chopping a couple of hours ago, and the first thing that went was all of the text messages. Oh, and if you see a whole bunch of smoke tomorrow night, it’s not wildfires burning, it’s his shit on fire in my front yard, and I’ll be dancing around it.

Posted in Relationships and tagged cut it off cleanly & don't drag it out, domestic violence, don't look back, kick him to the curb and never look back, kick rocks you abusive motherfucker, nothing is going to change so let it go

26 Jun 2013

23 Comments

The Spaces In Between Hurt & Healing

I am struggling tonight. I don’t miss him, necessarily, but I miss a presence. It is quiet except for the hum of the window air conditioners, and the tink, tink, tinking of the pull chain on the ceiling fan as it hits against the glass globe.

My heart hurts and I am lonely. I know it will pass, but I feel like I have a lump in my throat that won’t budge, and I can’t stop myself from crying as I write this.

I made the mistake of reading through all our text messages. He seemed to really like me at first. Everything seemed great. It didn’t last. He started accusing me of wanting to spend too much time together, of being too mistrusting. He started picking, and I started believing what he said. I went from being a confident woman to a meek girl who fell in line with his wishes.

I will be that confident woman again someday, but it will take time. It will take at least as much time to build myself back up, as it took for him to knock me down. Right now I have bursts of emotion, but quickly go back to feeling dead inside. It amazes me how I can still see the bruises on my face, but I can so easily separate myself from the reality of what has occurred. I guess it is a process which has to be worked through, and I must be in the first phase of it. I wonder how long the denial will last?

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged denial and numbness, domestic violence, the silence is deafening, where did the woman I know go?

26 Jun 2013

6 Comments

Today’s Note From the Universe

The following is my “Today’s Note From the Universe”. Is it just coincidence that I get this particular one today? Also kind of strange that I am from Kansas, and it makes reference to the Wizard of Oz. Spooky weird, just like my life.

By design, FBG, you are stronger than whatever you may create.

Including the lions and tigers and bears now in your life.

Oh, my!
The Universe

Posted in Uncategorized

26 Jun 2013

10 Comments

You know what they say about time….

…that it heals all wounds. This one is healing, but I think it’s going to leave a scar, not just on my face, but on my soul as well. Maybe someday, a man will come along who can love not only my scarred face, but also my scarred soul.

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged a man to love all my scars, beaten but not broken, domestic violence, scarred souls, time heals all wounds but it seems to leave scars